Roundup!!!

2012-01-20T17:19:00.001Z

Light-hearted gadget relief.

http://www.wimp.com/pageturner/

Anagram Tube Map

http://www.anagramtubemap.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

Street Some fantastic stuff here!!!

http://www.tout-bon.com/best-of-street-art-2011/

Scottish referendum question

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02106/120112-MATT-web_2106904a.gif

Holiday Advert Placement...

http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/jamesfallows/assets_c/2012/01/photo%20%281%29-74992.php

Screen Capture of the Year Award

I think we have a winner . . . .

http://www.bitterwallet.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/BQA6.jpeg

A man phones an airfix model shop an says
"have u got a model of an italian cruise liner?" "yes" replies the owner.
"thats great" says the man "can u put it to one side for me?"

I completed a magazine quiz entitled "How straight or gay are you?"
I carefully considered each answer and then turned to the back to check my score.
It said "Straight guys don't do magazine quizzes."

"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

I got burgled last night, but all they took were Mars bars, Kit Kat's and Bountys.
The Police reckon it could have been snackheads...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning.
He said, "Where were you between 9pm and 9:30pm last night?"
I said, "I was at the pub arguing with my wife on the phone. She wanted me home by 10 and I told her no. I'm having a drink with my mates and I'll be in when I want."
"Anybody back you up on that?" he asked.
I said, "No, they all just told me that I should go home."

More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner

A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?"Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a very well-dressed French lady, but when he got there, he saw it was taken
by the woman's poodle.
The some what tired Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said out loud but to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."
So the Marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat available
was under Fifi. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it straight out of the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his
place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive what we call a car on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, to cap it all you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window.

But.

This one just doesn't ring true. In real life, the marine would have shot the dog, then pissed on it.

Rob Sutton

2012-01-11T12:20:00.002Z

Roundup!!

2012-01-11T12:20:00.000Z

Just one more use for a Dyson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rwy_0xwRgVU

Back to work... . . . . and it's important to be focussed.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NTK-pBKD_7s/TwMg9EDG9aI/AAAAAAAADac/ZVVsr5UuXdE/s1600/tumblr_l7bjp2XQcy1qczj9xo1_500.jpg

Strangers in the day . . . exchanging glances.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac238/Madcapmagician2009/02%20Humour/2011%2006%20dec/acid_picdump_02_2.jpg

Should've gone to Specsavers

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac238/Madcapmagician2009/02%20Humour/2011%2006%20dec/acid_picdump_04_3.jpg

You've got to admire the Tories' plan to ruin Liverpool forever.
Getting them to appoint Derek Hatton as council leader was a masterstroke.

I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home - The box from my new 65 inch TV.
I hate it when people take their dog for a walk and they crap right outside my house - It's bad enough when the dog does it.
People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins - But take a look at me now...
Saw a Chameleon today - So I guess its safe to say it was a rubbish one then.
I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she said. "What gave it away?" I asked. "The scissors mainly" she answered.
If sex between 3 people is a threesome and between two, a twosome, why is "Handsome" still a compliment?
I struggle to stay in a stable relationship because I'm Bi-Sexual. Once we've had sex I say "Bye".
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while my mum said "Use a spoon - you are not a Jedi"
You think seven years is bad if you break a mirror.Try breaking a condom.
I'm making a fortune out of promoting security systems. The pitch is easy - All I say is "Hello" - at 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet. Obviously they have never tested a man surfing porn whilst his wife is asleep.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.
Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"

Cat New Years Resolutions

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

-----------------------------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.

They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.

Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.

---------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
it….soldier on.

---------------------------------------------------

Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”

--------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

-------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a
Thai”.

----------------------------------

Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched
off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s
burning my bum”.

--------------------------------------------------------------

You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

-----------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it
up!

FW: Roundup!!!

2011-12-16T14:34:00.001Z

What a split second looks like....

http://www.slideshare.net/ngwk/what-a-split-second-looks-like-3219740

Is nothing Sacred any more?

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac238/Madcapmagician2009/02%20Humour/2011%2006%20dec/acid_picdump_11.jpg

Want to be healthy?

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/378558_10150499859827463_108605392462_10411934_1746814208_n.jpg

awkward family photos

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/category/photos/awkward-hall-of-fame/

Guantanamo eBay

http://www.guantanamoebay.com/

New doubts about Frozen Planet authenticity.

https://p.twimg.com/Agju2PMCEAAmbWP.jpg

Tube dancer video sparks web row An amusing video

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4001437/Tube-dancer-vid-sparks-web-row.html

There's a sign above the door where I work that says, "Once you go black you never come back".
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "No, it's going in the living room."

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

With the Christmas Season fast approaching, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many; knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I'd never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got this one.

I was a bit disappointed with my Anne Frank advent calendar. There's loads of chocolate crammed in to one window but all the others are empty.

What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?
Their heads.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually assaulted from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty petrol Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like such an idiot on the bus this morning.

Roundup!!!

2011-11-25T09:48:00.001Z

Engineering Flowchart

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384685_1921484816430_1821361368_1311735_1082397659_n.jpg

What the British say / What they really mean

http://www.flickr.com/photos/54571402@N02/6384495755/in/photostream

Simon Cowell is a sissy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2SUaoVy_iU

Just bonkers, quite mad act.

I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - One to remove the bulb and drop it - the other to try and flog it before it crashes through the floor!

I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder.
This really brought home to me the horror of the situation.
That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need!!

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

(From the North Wyoming News, 2nd April 2010, "Letters to the Editor")
"Dear Sir,
I object and take exception to people saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.
As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
Bruce L. Hargreaves
USN Retired
Worland"

Saw a shit mind reader today.
Mind reader: Think of a card, any card.
Me: OK
Mind reader: Visualize it in your mind.
Me: OK
Mind reader: Is it the nine of clubs?
Me: No
Mind reader: Ace of spades?
Me: No
Mind reader: What is it then?
Me: 'Condolences on your loss'

Status update from female friend of mine on Facebook -
Right Girlies we don't like the men thinking they are doing some hard work not shaving for 'movember' sooo..... Wait for it let's do FANNUARY!!! keep ourselfs warm through winter!!! Happy growing :))))))
And one of her friends has replied:
The boys have taken update pics of theirs! There is no way I'll be takin pics of mine and postin on Facebook thanks!!! Lol x

Duck walks to the edge of the pavement looks each way. Chicken shouts "For goodness sake mate, don't. You'll never hear the end of it"

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

Roundup!!!

2011-11-11T15:13:00.002Z

Get ripped

for all the wanna-be bodybuilders and musclemen sitting on the internet reading this... you need a different website.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAePUXO_gLs

Online shopping vs In-Store shopping

How would you cope with online checkout . . . in-store?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sk7cOqB9Dk

First World Problems

http://www.hahastop.com/pictures/First_World_Problems.jpg

How things change!

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/297132_2429249123159_1009524845_2699321_1689626831_n.jpg

The art of being a newsreader . . . . . . is knowing when to utilise a pause in your spiel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loWFypHb48k

Keeping your balls clean

http://brightcove.vo.llnwd.net/pd13/media/694922499001/694922499001_722165839001_Axe-CleanYourBalls10.mp4

While waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans, funny, when I woke I had 26 missed calls.
It can't have been that important though, as when I rang back no one answered.

“Walking Eagle”
On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for he UK and Europe
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap that it can no longer fly.
I can think of one or two others who are well in line for that award indeed I am sure we all can!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.

American kids

TEACHER:              Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:                Here it is.
TEACHER:              Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:                Maria.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER:              John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:                 You told me to do it without using tables.
_________________________________________________________________
TEACHER:              Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:                K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:              No, that's wrong
GLENN:                Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER:              Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:               H I J K L M N O
TEACHER:              What are you talking about?
DONALD:               Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER:              Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:               Me!
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER:              Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:                 Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER:              Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
MILLIE:               I is..
TEACHER:              No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:               All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________________________________________

TEACHER:              George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
                      Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:                Because George still had the axe in his hand....
_________________________________________________________________
TEACHER:              Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:                No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
_________________________________________________________________
TEACHER:              Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:                No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
_________________________________________________________________
TEACHER:              Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people aren't interested?
HAROLD:               A teacher?

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $1,999,999.75.

Roundup!!!

2011-11-03T14:41:00.001Z

5 ball juggling with hands and feet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSR3jhRjzfk

Jobs in heaven

http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/i-5ft546K/0/M/i-5ft546K-M.png

Got to sympathise with the travellers at Dale Farm. I too have a lifestyle choice that attracts persecution from the government.
I have a Job!!

My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

My mother-in-law came round to our Halloween party dressed in a witch's hat, big black cape and a broomstick.
Then she went upstairs to change into her party clothes.

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after noseying through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's uniform. a french maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's obvious, she can't hold down a job...

Getting the Dale Farm Travellers down from their scaffolding is going to be the best game of Ker-plunk ever.

Babies
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:

YOUR CLOTHES:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

Swallowing

First child swallows a coin: You rush to the hospital
Second child swallows a coin: You check the nappies religiously
Third child swallows a coin : You dock it from their pocket money

THE BABY'S NAME:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

THE LAYETTE:
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

ACTIVITIES:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

GOING OUT:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

AT HOME:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".....
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"....
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."

Clint Eastwood's Birthday

2011-11-03T14:37:00.000Z

It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood’s birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.

I don’t think it worked out the way they wanted it to …

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!

2011-10-07T09:46:00.001+01:00

Grinding the crack

No, nothing to do with drugs or porn.....Just one amazing video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWfph3iNC-k

Cinema Prank

Carlsberg fill up a cinema with heavy metal rockers/bikers and see if unsuspecting cinema go-ers will take the final 2 seats in the middle of them . . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RS3iB47nQ6E

Quote of the Day

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/314090_2117890702824_1112432587_31868210_1057461772_n.jpg

The modern world...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s720x720/303762_10150313765828303_9171233302_8287273_1708360573_n.jpg

Amazing photo!

Aircraft Narrowly Misses a Crowd Gathered for the Airshow and Slams Into Four Buildings.
Brace yourself before looking at the attached image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/files.posterous.com/yourbadneighbor/eEukOzRsGFYOO6OWOjrPZGoiG7u94iQ9zgApyrrQnqXd5TsNJnTRGZPY4IZi/unknownname.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJFZAE65UYRT34AOQ&Expires=1317821493&Signature=JyA3z8ajNRXslezn%2FI4WATlV9Gg%3D

11th November 2011
The day America will finally get a numerical date right!!

Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint."
"What is it" asks Peter.
"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."
"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."

This bloke from over the road was talking to me earlier,
"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided.
"What? That fat ugly bugger I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" He laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to have an affair with that?"...

Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors

I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great
philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second
test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not
certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful,
why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.It also explains why
Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Crazy Russians

2011-10-04T09:20:00.001+01:00

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!

2011-09-30T12:42:00.001+01:00

The modern world...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s720x720/303762_10150313765828303_9171233302_8287273_1708360573_n.jpg

Another one!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2041984/Revealed-Identity-property-billionaire-centre-alleged-blackmail-plot-secretary.html

Check the second paragraph, starting with "Samuel Tak Lee, who owns..." to learn the name of his long-term 'sexual companion'.

50% tax rate

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/299220_10150460263068154_736988153_10954758_1056255660_n.jpg

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk five paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk five paces behind women.
She asks the interpreter, “What brought about the change?”
He replies, “Landmines.”

I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.

When I was 15 I was on the sex offenders' register.
Or 'Mr. Jones' as we called him in class.

"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.

Dear Greece,

Once you agree to pay your bills, you can have your weather back.

regards
Great Britain

STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Lifts rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Pampers Nappies remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Andrex Tissue touched a new bottom.
And Durecell exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Next time you get grief from your Admin department about a late filed form or missing inventory just quote the Duke of wellington to them:

Message from Sir Arthur Wellesley, Earl of Wellington, to the British
Foreign Office in London, written in Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position, which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently
complying with your requests, which have been sent by H.M. ship from
London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen
of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible
carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are
war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe
that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I
shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

Thats one way to sort out problems

2011-09-25T14:21:00.001+01:00

FW: Roundup!!!

2011-09-23T12:44:00.001+01:00

George Brownridge

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lcufe2O8Ed1qeodf5.jpg

Think we all need one of these....

http://piquanthumour.blogspot.com/2011/09/manslater.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PiquantSaltyHumour+%28Piquant+Salty+Humour%29

Nigella's best bits...Cleaverly cut. May couse...Offence?

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2011/09/19/nigella-talks-dirty/

Classic

TomTom for sale a good sales pitch

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/180726587776

Draw a stickman...... If you've got 5 minutes to doodle, try this...

http://www.drawastickman.com/index.htm?o=66-69-32-67-82-69-65-84-73-86-69s69-86-69-82-89-32-68-65-89

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes

Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....Sex on the telephone - Direct Line ....

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ...

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ...

Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels ....

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com. :~)

I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

I was telling a guy at work how useless I am with the ladies, and how I had to stand on a chair to kiss last night's date goodnight.
He said, "Wow! She was that tall?"
I said, "No, she hanged herself."

A guy met a woman at a bar and they went to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says, "shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio."
She says, "you mean polio?"
He says, "no, I got toelio."
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts.
She looks again and says, "don't tell me - smallcox?"

I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.

Roundup!!!

2011-09-19T20:12:00.001+01:00

The Harvard Museum of Natural History. . . are refreshingly honest about why they have removed one of their exhibits.

http://www.bitterwallet.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/376459643-500x226.png

Laptop self charger

http://www.b3tards.com/v/d81a83cf6d5a93144ba7/usb_laptop_self-charger_cable_500.jpg

Brilliant. Now just for wireless power and were sorted

Joy of Photoshop (url)

http://www.boredpanda.com/worst-photoshop-mistakes/

What it’s like to play online games as an adult.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/online_gaming

Got to admit I wouldn't have put the scissors there...

http://t.co/qV7KeKrY

They say so many people die because of alcohol..
Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.

Most scousers can trace their family tree back at least 15 generations.

All the way back to 1980.

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches

I just got sentenced to 15 years for assisted suicide and I'm really regretting my foolish actions.
I should never have given that woman a 'pass' on her driving test.

Police quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

3 old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you two are saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030?

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Serves them right.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

The Strip Show 19-09-11

2011-09-19T19:38:00.000+01:00

Funny picture from FaceBook - read the second comment below the photo!

2011-01-21T09:11:00.002Z

A Posh Shop In Newcastle - TRUE

2010-11-02T11:02:00.000Z

HOW TO SERVE CHICKEN WINGS TO A MAN!

2010-10-29T14:27:00.002+01:00

YOU THINK IT'S TIME SHE RETIRED??

2010-10-29T14:23:00.002+01:00

ROONEY SIGNS NEW CONTRACT

2010-10-26T21:07:00.000+01:00

Don't ever park illegally in England!

2010-10-08T08:39:00.002+01:00

Well, Well

2010-09-16T12:50:00.002+01:00

Pope Coming

2010-09-16T10:41:00.000+01:00

Cosmetic Surgery Procedure

2010-06-16T14:22:00.000+01:00

Most of you have heard of a small surgical procedure called a butt lift.

I wanted to show you how it turns out.

Please, refrain from having this done, you will regret it.

...(scroll down)...

fsf

2010-03-02T17:12:00.000Z

David Cameron Poster

Make your own, every one's a winner.

http://www.andybarefoot.com/politics/cameron.php?poster=82470

Human Spiderman. Whoa! This guy is just amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzLuFiL8tPc&feature=related

Best Fails of 2009

http://www.maxim.co.uk/video/comedy/19786/best_fails_of_2009.html?CMP=NLC-Newsletters

It's Finished!

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/win7.jpg

Cadburys

Only the crumbliest flakiest government would allow this to happen........................

Why do they call it Fox News?

Because that's what it does!

Due to the icy conditions lately, a lady has slipped and fatally died while leaving Sainsbury’s….... very sad news.... she had just bought a bag for life!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer, football and women with big tits."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service, and she's in tears.

He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed

away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always

cheating on you, wasn't he?"

"Yes, that he was." she replied.

"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying

to find at least a little good in Mary's time of woe. "Tell me,"

he went on, "did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father..."

"What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'"

At the bank: "I'm here to speak to the loan arranger." "He's not here." "Well then, can I talk to Tonto?"

During a recent phone conversation, I asked my Mother if I was a gifted

child. She told me that they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Who Said Romance is Dead in Scotland

2010-02-27T16:34:00.001Z

Roundup!!!

2010-02-19T09:35:00.001Z

I enjoy a bit of lowbrow slapstick.

http://www.mediabum.com/videos/Really-Dirty-Trick-on-Wife.html

Follow the road in Google street view, but watch out behind you as you go!

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=rugdeveien+39+bergen&sll=59.913801,10.73882&sspn=0.000449,0.001635&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Rugdeveien+39,+5097+Bergen,+Hordaland,+Norway&t=h&layer=c&ll=60.360883,5.36923&spn=0.000361,0.005681&z=18&cbll=60.360881,5.369057&panoid=BY_5XvRgiDLdoZMJGdTTlw&cbp=12,82.09,,0,14.69

A brief history of pretty much everything. Toptastic

http://laughingsquid.com/a-brief-history-of-pretty-much-everything

“A Brief History of Pretty Much Everything”, a flipbook animation by Jamie Bell made for an art course with biro pens on 2100 pages in 50 jotter books.

The Human Sexuality Story (told with pens)

http://9gag.com/photo/17170_full.jpg

You shouldn't laugh but...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1qDpQYMjqs&feature=related

Labrador having dinner... very well done and very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S519ziFdcuk&feature=related

As I was walking to work this morning I passed a bloke sitting in an RAC van, he was sobbing uncontrollably and looked really miserable. I thought to myself, that bloke's heading for a breakdown..............

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Mary, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently, and whispered,

'Waitrose Self-Raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........

The reason that I am against assisted suicide is due to the potential for misunderstandings.

Apparently Ray Gosling's chap's last words were 'Would you mind finishing me off?'

What's the difference between Gordon Brown's government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.

The reason that I am against assisted suicide is due to the potential for misunderstandings.

Apparently Ray Gosling's chap's last words were 'Would you mind finishing me off?'

Signs

Over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a plumber’s van: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the vans of a plumbing company: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Outside an exhaust fitter's: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a vet’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”

On an electrician’s van: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optician’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In the front of a funeral parlour: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Roundup!!!

2010-02-09T15:11:00.001Z

The end!!! I found it

http://www.otoons.de/joke&game/end.htm

'Oh well, the house badly needs decorating'

Spotted on the Jubilee Line recently:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2692/4275803709_81e73cb080.jpg

The night is young..... .....and you are enormous

http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2010/02/03/ambassador_at_very_large

http://sorisomail.com/email/12428/strip-duma-mulheraca-mesmo-boa-vale-a-pena-ver.html

Amusingly clever!

After the success of Michael Palin's travels, Paul Merton in europe, Billy Connelly etc I wonder if there would be scope to do some travel programmes with other comedians.

I'd like to see Bernard Manning's Pakistan or Jim Davidson's Africa.

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra

"Can I have 6 tablets cut in quarters please?"

"I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. "

"I am 96 " said the old man .

"I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "

It seems that these days most Americans & British think it is improper to spank a child. Recently the California state legislators introduced legislative proposed action against spanking. Over the years a friend of mine has tried other methods to control their kids when they had one of "those moments".

One method he found effective is to take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after their car ride together.

I included a photo below of one of his sessions with his son, in case anyone would like to use the technique.

http://heartgauctionandrealty.com/images/Tough_Love.jpg

Survival Tip #1

If you have water with you, drink it all immediately. There is a good chance you will be rescued before long so it is pointless being dehydrated. If you do run out of water, the trick to finding more in the wilderness is to remember that water always flows downhill. Find a hill and wait at the bottom. I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine so I always take a two litre bottle of it wherever I go just in case.

Survival Tip #2

Do not eat the bright purple mushrooms. Once while lost, I found and ate some bright purple mushrooms figuring such a friendly colour could not possibly be dangerous. A short time later, a beetle and I discussed the differences between the director's cut of Bladerunner and the cinematic release. Always remember that bark is an excellent source of nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees celcius.

Things that should not be eaten:

Bright purple mushrooms

Rocks

Cha-Chi's Mexican Restaurant food

Wasps

Survival Tip #3

Building yourself a shelter is an integral part of survival. A small bungalow or cottage will be sufficient unless you have a lot of furniture. Always remember that when tiling a roof, it is important to use a rope and harness to avoid falling. If you do fall, land horizontally with your arms and legs stretched out to maximise surface area. Always check with your local council on required permits prior to building.

Protect yourself from hungry animals by fortifying your shelter. A wall of no less than two metres with a lockable gate should be sufficient. Always build your wall out of non combustible materials as wild animals will often attempt to gain access by using fire. Befriend large animals such as bears to protect you from smaller ones. A bear can easily be mollified by running towards it yelling.

Materials that are not suitable for building shelter with:

Water

Angry words

Live ants

Survival Tip #4

Building a fire without the use of matches or a lighter is a simple matter. Most forest fires are caused by lightning strikes so run a steel cable from the top of a tall tree to a pile of sticks and then be patient. Construct your fire under a group of trees and stack large piles of leaves around the edge to serve as wind breaks. Wolves are attracted to firelight but have a highly developed sense of smell and detest the odour of petrol so be sure to douse the surrounding area and yourself well.

If you do not have petrol with you and wolves enter your campsite, curling up into a small ball and making a high pitched sound like a wounded bird will confuse and deter them. If you are being attacked by a wolf, do not accidentally grab a snake to fight it off with. If you have emergency flares, taping several dozen to your legs and setting them off at the same time will allow you to hover above the wolves for several seconds, safe from their snapping jaws.

Survival Tip #5

Having the appropriate clothing and medical equipment in preparation for any weather condition or emergency situation is the key to survival. If you are camping in a cool climate such as the Antarctic, make sure you take a scarf. Watching the movie Castaway will give you an idea of what items would be useful should you find yourself lost for several years and comes down to personal preference. If I was Tom Hanks, I would have taken several hundred cartons of cigarettes and a suitcase of pornography.

I read somewhere about a guy who, while camping, cut his leg and as he was sleeping, a spider laid eggs in the wound. I would rather amputate my leg than have baby spiders hatching in it so a surgical grade bone saw is an essential component in any backpack. It is always better to pre-empt these things so any limbs that receive cuts, scratches or bites should be removed immediately.

Survival Tip #6

Find some means of alerting rescuers to your whereabouts. If you are lost in a desert, writing a large SOS in the sand with your water is an effective means of drawing attention. If you are lost in a jungle, a simple two way radio can be constructed from kits available at any Tandy or RadioShack store. Waving your arms at passing rescue planes expends precious energy so it is better to dig a small hole, lay in it, cover yourself with leaves to keep warm and relax while you wait for them to find you.

Use the time you are waiting to be rescued wisely. Sort your DVD collection into alphabetical order or fix that broken tap that you have been meaning to for months but did not get around to because it would mean driving to the hardware store and buying a new rubber washer. Scrapbooking is apparently a fun and satisfying hobby.

Having someone to talk to will help the time pass much more quickly. The last time I was lost and feeling lonely, I constructed company to talk to from mud. I called her Anne and after realising we had a lot in common, we fell in love. Sadly, she disappeared a few nights later during a rainstorm and though I searched desperately for her throughout the wilderness for many weeks, I eventually gave up hope and sought recluse from the outside world inside a dam where I lived for eight years with my pain and a family of angry beavers.

Survival Tip #7

If you become bored while waiting to be rescued and decide to walk, it is helpful to have a map. As you have no way of knowing where you may become lost, a map of everywhere is required. Simply marking everywhere on the map you are not will pinpoint where you are. A simple compass can be constructed by rubbing a small round pebble up and down polyester slacks to generate static magneticity then floating the pebble in a small pool of water. The pebble will sometimes face north.

Keeping a collection of pebbles in your pocket is also handy for when you come to a stream as you can use them as stepping stones. In case of deeper rivers, it is wise to carry a collection of larger rocks in your backpack at all times. If the river is still too deep, constructing a canoe can easily be accomplished by pouring a mixture of liquid polymer and setting agents into a precast mould.

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Roundup!!!

2010-01-22T22:52:00.001Z

David Cameron Poster

Make your own, every one's a winner.

http://www.andybarefoot.com/politics/cameron.php?poster=82470

Human Spiderman. Whoa! This guy is just amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzLuFiL8tPc&feature=related

Best Fails of 2009

http://www.maxim.co.uk/video/comedy/19786/best_fails_of_2009.html?CMP=NLC-Newsletters

It's Finished!

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/win7.jpg

Cadburys

Only the crumbliest flakiest government would allow this to happen........................

Why do they call it Fox News?

Because that's what it does!

Due to the icy conditions lately, a lady has slipped and fatally died while leaving Sainsbury’s….... very sad news.... she had just bought a bag for life!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer, football and women with big tits."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service, and she's in tears.

He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed

away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always

cheating on you, wasn't he?"

"Yes, that he was." she replied.

"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying

to find at least a little good in Mary's time of woe. "Tell me,"

he went on, "did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father..."

"What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'"

At the bank: "I'm here to speak to the loan arranger." "He's not here." "Well then, can I talk to Tonto?"

During a recent phone conversation, I asked my Mother if I was a gifted

child. She told me that they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Roundup!!!!

2010-01-19T11:19:00.001Z

Siblings eh! Hell hath no fury and all that..........

Sister grasses up brother for having beer in room, parents ground him for 3 months, he finds her "list" and posts it on facebook, tags everyone on the list....

http://www.woosk.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/facebook-karma.jpg

Character assasination...Total

The truth of the Internet

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/net_a.jpg

Do I want that ?

I'm not sure if I want this book or not

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0023XAE0I/sr=1-1/qid=1263806803/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1263806803&sr=1-1&seller=

Amusingly named Japanese scientist

http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=Pxq&q=%22yu+arafuka

photo manipulation at its finest

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/photo-manipulation-at-its

Ricky Gervais hosts The Golden Globes

Excerpts from Ricky at the Awards show last night . . .

"Looking at all these faces reminds me of all the great work that's been done this year... by cosmetic surgeons.”

"I had a penis reduction. Just got the one now. It's pretty tiny. So are my hands. So when I hold it, it looks pretty big. I wish I was doing that now, to be honest.“

"Now let's get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno."

"Actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved the world over because they're recognisable. You can be in the Third World and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better. You can be a little child, a little Asian child, with no possessions, no money - but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think, 'Mummy!'"

"I was on the same plane as Paul McCartney to get here. I was in first and he was behind me in coach. Well, he spent a lot of money last year."

"I've had a couple of beers... I'm not going to lie to you. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I like a drink as much as the next man... Unless the next man is Mel Gibson."

"A particular stereotype is that Irishmen are drunk, hairy hell raisers. Now please welcome Colin Farrell."

Introducing Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler as "Rachel from Friends and the guy from 300."

Gervais also took a shot at his American counterpart for The Office', Steve Carrell. In answer to Gervais' joke about people wondering where Steve Carrell gets his ideas from, Carrell mouthed at him “I will break you.”

"I will be making the most of this; I'm not used to these viewing figures - let's face it, nor is NBC." He said in reference to his hosting of the Golden Globes.

Satan writes to Rev Pat Robinson about his 'pact with Haiti'.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best,

Satan

Two women are sitting next to each other on an aeroplane. One is in her twenties, the other in her fifties.

The younger woman says to the elder, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help notice that beautiful diamond ring you're wearing. It's just incredible."

The older woman replies, "Thank you. This is the famous 'Plotnick Diamond' "

"The Plotnick Diamond? I've never heard of it."

"Oh yes, it's very famous. The Plotnick Diamond."

"Well," says the younger woman, "it really is beautiful. I would give anything to have a diamond like that."

"NO! Don't even say that!" exclaims the older woman. "Believe me, darling, you do not want to own this diamond!"

"But why not?"

"Because there is a terrible curse attached to this diamond, that' why."

"A curse?" the younger woman asks.

"Yes, a curse. A curse so awful and horrible that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!"

"What kind of curse could possibly be so terrible?"

The older woman replies, lowering her voice slightly, "Mister Plotnick."

Recommendations: 50 A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a

parrot sitting on a little perch, It has a

For Sale sign at £200 for defective Parrot.

The guy calls out to the staff, so whats

wrong with the parrot?

The parrot says,Hi my names Pete,I was born

without legs, so I am defective

Wow!! the guy replies. "You

actually understood and answered me!

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I

happen to be a highly intelligent

thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this

-- how do you hang onto your perch

without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very

embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap

my winkle around this wooden perch like a

little hook. You can't see it because of

my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can

understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and

English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic:

politics, religion, sports, physics,

philosophy. I'm especially good at

ornithology. You really ought to buy me.

I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm

defective, so the truth is, no body wants

me cause I don't have any feet. You can

probably get me for £20; just make them

an offer!"

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the

parrot.

Weeks go by, Pete the parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's

interesting, he's a great pal, he

understands everything, he sympathizes,

and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and

Pete goes, "Psssssssssssst," and

motions him over with one wing. "I don't

know if I should tell you this or not, but

it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail

today, your wife greeted him at the door

in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the

house and lifted up her nightie and began

petting her all over," reported the

parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the

nightie, got down on his knees and began

to kiss her all over....."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT

HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and

fell off my perch!"

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Roundup!!!

2010-01-12T18:34:00.001Z

I don't fancy going there:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107/tuk-steady-hand-for-a-genital-emergency-6323e80.html

"Steel yourself and pipe down, because this might hurt..." ;0)

A simpler solution would have been the application of lots of ice.

That would have reduced the problem to nothing - literally.

I understand that our local hospital has a Susan Boyle DVD which is used for similar emergencies.

WOW!!!!!

Hooters Calendar 2010

http://i676.photobucket.com/albums/vv130/geekdrop/Smartmom/hooters.png

Church Mice

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/churchmice.jpg

Day 8 of the "Big Freeze"............. ...............and some residents of the small sleepy Sussex village cannot take any more...

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/sh_a.jpg

Igloo for sale

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=190363198105#description

Checkout the Q & A too :-)

Three animal rights protesters made a BIG mistake....

http://www.best-news-site-ever.com/index.php?p=1_115

LMAO!!

If Star Wars had Facebook . . .

http://themovieblog.com/2009/12/if-star-wars-had-facebook

Peter Robinson went to the optician complaining that his eyes had been watering since March.

The optician told him it was because there was something stuck in his Iris...

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service monkey, please."The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The engineer paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.

Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey.

He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes.

He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked.

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000. Reading that the customer said, "$50,000!!!! Holy smoke, what does this one do?"

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot!"

Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand motherly types used to come up

to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals......

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

They went for a coffee and pondered the situation.

Tiger Woods, who was sitting at the next table, leaned over and said; "It's quite simple, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home."

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Suicide bombers set to strike tomorrow!

2010-01-11T09:10:00.000Z

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by

management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 25,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from a shed somewhere in the West Midlands , where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that

they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that...it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using explosives from the waist down, in order to express solidarity with

their striking brethren.

Further talks will be held.....

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

___________________________

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP

2010-01-08T19:54:00.002Z

FW: Roundup!!!!

2010-01-08T15:32:00.001Z

8 inches of snow URL

http://tweetphoto.com/8271174

(might offend some)

Girls are dime a dozen but an icecream…

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_07_09_27_romario_nm_ru_sva_177.jpg

The count of eggie christo

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_14_11_58_www_inpic_ru_pic_3552_a7747c10.jpg

New way of doing captcha codes

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_10_05_11_52_4_bp_blogspot_com__F4yinVt5IS8_R4vY9AEi60I_AAAAAAAACm0_h5HJJRTW7co_s1600_h_funny_captcha_12.jpg

One place to avoid then

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Q5wa7ttQiZk/Szt30ELO_kI/AAAAAAAAO9k/NHsQJHt3rmk/s400/Vo7f3_Irony_at_its_best-s580x434-31649-580.jpg

Found on a bulletin board thread:

"Ok here's what you do for real. Get minesweeper, play it exactly 33 times then wait 5 seconds. Ok, then you'll hear an inaudible tone, then wait 5 seconds. Now, play minesweeper 6 more times and it will happen."

Sung to 'Send In the Clowns' from A Little Night Music.

(Apologies to Sondheim, who won't see this anyway).

SEND IN THE PLOWS

Isn't it white? Isn't it flat?

The street is somewhere over there, beneath all of that.'Send in the plows'.

Don't we get weird, cooped up all day?

Regress 'til we're bored all day, Go out and play!!

But where are the plows? 'Send in the plows'.

Just when I'd dug out to the cars,

Finally brushing them off to see which one was ours,

Tried the ignition again, even got it to run, Another foot fell,

Back to square one.

I don't mean to bitch, or be unkind.

But cross-country skiers on motorways are out of their minds!

Call for the plows. How can they plow a street they can't find?

Isn't it white? Isn't it bleak?

Home on the computer today, one more net-geek.

And where are the plows? There ought to be plows,

'send in the plows'.

Well, maybe next week??.

Hi, I'm from the Government. If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see the solutions.

This maths test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.  Try it without looking at the answers.  It works!


Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.

You will get your answer by adding the  two digits together to find your all time favourite movie.

Good Luck

It is:

1.   Gone with the wind.

2.   Aliens.

3.   Oliver

4.   Star Wars

5.   Forrest Gump.

6.   Saving Private Ryan.

7.   Jaws.

8.   Grease.

9.   The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad rent boys.

10.   Mary Poppins.

How come, when my wife says "we need to talk," it's never about football?

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

FW: Why men don't write advice columns......

2010-01-08T15:31:00.003Z

__._,_.___
FFFFFFFFF
FF#

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

FFFFFFF
FF
FF
FF

UU     UU
UU     UU
UU     UU & Fun Only - A Group For Friends !!!!!
UU     UU
   UUUU

NN      NN
NN N   NN
NN N NN
NN   N NN
NN      NN

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

FW: Roundup!!!!

2010-01-08T15:31:00.001Z

8 inches of snow URL

http://tweetphoto.com/8271174

(might offend some)

Girls are dime a dozen but an icecream…

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_07_09_27_romario_nm_ru_sva_177.jpg

The count of eggie christo

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_14_11_58_www_inpic_ru_pic_3552_a7747c10.jpg

New way of doing captcha codes

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_10_05_11_52_4_bp_blogspot_com__F4yinVt5IS8_R4vY9AEi60I_AAAAAAAACm0_h5HJJRTW7co_s1600_h_funny_captcha_12.jpg

One place to avoid then

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Q5wa7ttQiZk/Szt30ELO_kI/AAAAAAAAO9k/NHsQJHt3rmk/s400/Vo7f3_Irony_at_its_best-s580x434-31649-580.jpg

Found on a bulletin board thread:

Sung to 'Send In the Clowns' from A Little Night Music.

(Apologies to Sondheim, who won't see this anyway).

SEND IN THE PLOWS

Isn't it white? Isn't it flat?

The street is somewhere over there, beneath all of that.'Send in the plows'.

Don't we get weird, cooped up all day?

Regress 'til we're bored all day, Go out and play!!

But where are the plows? 'Send in the plows'.

Just when I'd dug out to the cars,

Finally brushing them off to see which one was ours,

Tried the ignition again, even got it to run, Another foot fell,

Back to square one.

I don't mean to bitch, or be unkind.

But cross-country skiers on motorways are out of their minds!

Call for the plows. How can they plow a street they can't find?

Isn't it white? Isn't it bleak?

Home on the computer today, one more net-geek.

And where are the plows? There ought to be plows,

'send in the plows'.

Well, maybe next week??.

Hi, I'm from the Government. If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see the solutions.

How come, when my wife says "we need to talk," it's never about football?

Roundup!!!

UNSUBSCRIBE

roundup-unsubscribe@suncreative.co.uk

SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Global reaction to terrorist threat

2010-01-07T19:25:00.001Z

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "pi**ed Off" to "Let's get the barstewards"

They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert, Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

2010-01-07T19:21:00.001Z

Oh well I'm still snowed in, but to some peoples credit they will try to get to the office in their iced up car, but often this can be very frustrating and a time consuming experience. (As this office worker found out to add to his woes).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVIabdmN4ns

Picture posed by model
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/01/06/warrant-issued-for-arrest-of-man-accused-of-having-sex-with-a-donkey-115875-21947163/
Just incase any reader thought the photo of the donkey was actually of the very same donkey in the article...

Anatidaephobia . Google it (work safe). And if you don't laugh - I give up!!

Then

It’s true, and also.. Great advert placement
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1249339/anatidaephobia_the_fear_that_you_are.html?cat=70
I hope none was fooled by the vowel change in the author's name. They're EVERYWHERE I tell you...

Ironic: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words
Then why has Lisp got an “S” in it?

Fathers Day at the Skywalker residence
http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs225.snc1/7222_156470442912_711292912_2720320_55218_n.jpg

Paignton Ice Skating for Cars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MPRmOUxRMY
Our car is sliding out of control on ice. I know, we'll bail out. D'oh!

I received a letter this morning giving me the results of my medical. It said "I regret to inform you that you have dyslexia and you're impotent".
Well, it's a shame about the dyslexia but I already knew I was impotent; I'm the CEO of a multinational company and an advisor to the government.

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath

3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Airport Security!

2010-01-06T13:27:00.001Z

2010-01-06T10:38:00.001Z

The Rake
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

Eckie-Gnumph
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/8439446.stm
And he looks soooo normal….

Avatar, have we not seen this before perchance?
http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/ava.jpg

The greatest thing about Celebrity Big Brother is when the celeb's first enter the house, walk down the stairs and they look at themselves in the mirror to their left and ask themselves, "What the hell happened to my career?"

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.......... 1024×768

After being made redundant I retrained to become a Police Officer.
Well it beats walking the streets everyday!!

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in
front of him; the other a Star of David. Many people pass by and look at both
beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is
the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of
spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the
beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing."

A girl texted me saying what does idk,ly &ttyl mean? So I said ' I don’t know, love you, talk to you later' And she said "Okay I'll ask someone else"

A guy goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars.

On the seat is the latest Hustler Magazine.

Finally, the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to

confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more

inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're in my side."

Roundup!!!

2009-12-18T09:27:00.002Z

Police presence......

http://i.imgur.com/rKRYV.jpg

I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

I said "Look Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make... I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy."

Oh yes? Who was it?"

"Tiger Woods".

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's the bloody par for this hole!

From the Glasgow Herald Today: Pilot gets a rough ride

BAD weather meant a few bumpy landings at Heathrow this week, particularly one flight from JFK. A little Glasgow granny had to register her discontent to the rather sheepish pilot as he stood alongside the flight crew,.

“Did you land the plane, son,” she asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Thank God for that,” she said. “I thought we’d been shot down.’

I just totally wasted £25 !

I bought a book called "Tiger's Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out its about golf.

Gutted.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All

the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm

smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through

the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"

A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

At Last a Magazine for Married Men

2009-09-17T13:51:00.002+01:00

Circle of no life

2009-08-29T08:38:00.002+01:00

Beware Facebook!!

2009-08-11T09:23:00.000+01:00

What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia

2009-07-29T13:13:00.002+01:00

What does a Al-Qaeda pussey look like?

2009-07-28T14:41:00.000+01:00

Sack the Gardener

2009-07-16T14:27:00.002+01:00

An unfortunate mix of cypress and shrubs...

Just before the water visability turned brown.......

2009-07-13T14:16:00.001+01:00

England Quidditch Team

2009-07-07T10:01:00.002+01:00

This doggie is toast

2009-07-02T22:14:00.001+01:00

African Miners Trapped Underground....amazing pic

2009-06-24T11:41:00.002+01:00

READ FIRST, THEN LOOK AT PICTURE ATTACHED!

THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN WITH UNDERGROUND CAMERAS, OF 2 AFRICAN MINERS TRAPPED, WAITING TO BE RESCUED.

REALLY HEARTWRENCHING STUFF. PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT PHOTO IF YOU ARE A SENSITIVE VIEWER

The End is Near

2009-06-23T20:32:00.001+01:00

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

2009-06-23T08:07:00.000+01:00

Speaker's Ballot Paper
carefully prepared by the House of Commons Authorities
Here

Try to encircle the cat . . . not easy!!

Here

Anyway - do your kids spend all their time texting, messaging, twittering?
Here

Paddy: "What you got in da sack, Mick?"
Mick: "Ducks"
Paddy: "If I guess how many, can I have one?"
Mick: "Better than that, you can have 'em both"
Paddy "Seven?"

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on-board.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Q. Why don't black people go on cruises?

A. They aren't falling for that one again.

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+
years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a
mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
notes. Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in
the door and saw me he said...

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

A man from Essex parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming
off. More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile and
calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche,
my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the
panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody essex boys are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Essex boy looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he
screams... 'Where's my Rolex?'

Caution

2009-06-16T12:27:00.002+01:00

Nice Headline

2009-06-15T21:22:00.002+01:00

I see Monica Lewinsky is back!

2009-06-10T18:27:00.002+01:00

Spots Photograph of the Year 2009

2009-06-10T13:21:00.002+01:00

Surely a winner of best photograph of Sports Illustrated 2009




advertising behind him.....

Ikea to make cars...

2009-06-05T10:12:00.001+01:00

IKEA to take over General Motors ...

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED IT'S INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM, AND TO SELL CARS.

WE ARE IN DEEP, DEEP TROUBLE....ever tried to assemble an Ikea wardrobe?

New Magazine

2009-06-04T16:30:00.002+01:00

We're closing in!!

2009-06-04T09:27:00.002+01:00

Treating a BLACK EYE

2009-06-01T08:51:00.002+01:00

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of cold, raw meat on it.

While the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually delays the recovery

of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes.

Studies have shown that application of warm meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage.

See treatment below!

Sweet!!

2009-06-01T08:40:00.001+01:00

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
There also used to be a very pleasant parking attendant at the Bristol Zoo with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just Didn't turn up for work...
"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council
And get them to send a new parking attendant" ......
"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....
"Err NO!"
Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car Park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last
25 years.

YES, I've done the sums = 3,650,000 Pounds

Best holiday snap

2009-05-28T16:56:00.001+01:00

Air Asia advert!

2009-05-27T21:33:00.001+01:00

Is this why....

2009-05-19T13:16:00.001+01:00

....mummy won't let me be King?

The Haircut

2009-05-18T18:08:00.001+01:00

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks for his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again says, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

New for 2009 Harleys for him and her

2009-05-15T09:22:00.002+01:00

His......

Hers...

Hello Barbie :)

2009-05-12T12:13:00.002+01:00

Caught Sleeping At The Office? Excuses Here.

2009-05-10T12:52:00.000+01:00

So what do you do when your boss walks in and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get fired, or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 10 best things to say when getting caught asleep are:

10) ”They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

9) ”This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

”Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!”

7) ”I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6) ”I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5) ”I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?”

4) ”Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3) ”The coffee machine is broken…”

2) ”Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…”

1) ”…..in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Shearer's rescue plan for Newcastle

2009-05-08T20:07:00.002+01:00

A victim of swine flu!

2009-05-05T21:27:00.002+01:00

Winnie the Poo

2009-04-30T23:00:00.002+01:00

Do not take sweets from a stranger!

2009-04-30T16:32:00.000+01:00

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO
TAKE SWEETIES FROM STRANGE MEN....

...THIS IS THE ONE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!

Grab your Free BBQ QUICK!

2009-04-29T20:49:00.001+01:00

An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first....

Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them.
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

· ASDA
· Morrison's
· Costco
· Kwik Save
· Somerfield
· Aldi
· Sainsbury
· Tesco
· Iceland
· Lidl

All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.

If you wish to see a picture of this product please scroll down.

Be prepared...

2009-04-29T20:45:00.001+01:00

Meanwhile in Scotland......

2009-04-28T13:10:00.002+01:00

This week is walk for MS week

2009-04-22T16:06:00.002+01:00

Fox Hunting

2009-04-20T20:07:00.001+01:00

I don't normally forward on this sort of thing but this is important.

PLEASE HELP TO STOP FOX HUNTING.

This inhumane practice is abhorrent to all thinking individuals.

We MUST stop this atrocity.

A Thought...........

2009-04-17T19:20:00.000+01:00

Why is it that when we talk to God it's called praying, but when God talks to us it's called paranoid schizophrenia?

Long Life Secret

2009-04-15T13:57:00.001+01:00

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.

Budget Security

2009-04-14T09:00:00.002+01:00

Miss Wales 2009

2009-04-14T08:58:00.002+01:00

How many lawyers to change a bulb

2009-04-09T14:51:00.003+01:00

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

Newsflash - Button Hurt in Horrific F1 Accident

2009-04-09T14:51:00.001+01:00

2009-04-07T11:15:00.003+01:00

Thought these were fun - click the photos to see famous buildings switch off their lights for Earth Hour last weekend : HERE

Bad Morning

Great Trick for April Fools Day, or any day
Instructions here:

and the test video itself here:

419 Scammer Honesty..Toptastic

Sterile man pays neighbour to impregnate wife . . . but man fails after 72 attempts!

This is brilliant.

A woman arrived at a dinner party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she said. "Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the
things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen'. What's your name?"

After a brief, thoughtful moment, he responded "B.J. Titsengolf!"

There have been so many entries for the X Factor this year, the show had to separate them into 3 categories:

Bullied Children
Dead Dads
And Teenage Mums

Life before the computer

* Memory was something that you lost with age
* An application was for employment
* A program was a TV show
* A cursor used profanity
* A keyboard was a piano
* A web was a spider's home
* A virus was the flu
* A CD was a bank account
* A hard drive was a long trip on the road
* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
* And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out...

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

I never have understood swiss army knives, they suggest to me that the Swiss are at war with corks.

Divorce pending

2009-04-07T11:12:00.002+01:00

You know when you've been spending just a little too much time on the PC every night . . .

NEWSFLASH

2009-04-07T11:07:00.000+01:00

NEWS JUST IN !

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'

Sluts, There easy to spot

2009-04-07T11:06:00.000+01:00

419 Scammer Honesty

2009-04-03T20:04:00.001+01:00

Dressing down in the City...

2009-04-02T15:55:00.001+01:00

...is a bit pointless when you have friends like these

At Home Secretary

2009-03-30T13:53:00.001+01:00

"Richard, did you download the videos I asked you to get?"

"Yes honeybuns, and I've also got something 'special' for you to wear."

"What do you mean 'SPECIAL TO WEAR'? You did get the films on Toryism and Socialism, I wanted didn't you?"

"Oh rats Jacqui, I thought you said Troilism and Sadism!"

Here

Milked dry!!!

2009-03-29T19:58:00.001+01:00

Easter is cancelled

2009-03-28T08:53:00.002Z

Roundup!!!

2009-03-27T14:13:00.000Z

What does your teenager get up to .... .. when left alone in the house with a paintbrush?!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm

Pie Chart

http://spacebit.org/2008/09/19/pie-i-have-eaten-and-pie-i-have-not-eaten

Excellent add - with excellent questions.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/1997-ROVER-214-SI-RED_W0QQitemZ280324899952QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAutomobiles_UK?hash=item280324899952&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1683%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318

12 Year Old Boy Scouts volunteer to give Breast Examinations
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/12_year_old_boy_scouts_volunteer

(Now why didn't *I* think of that???)

Madoff Behind Bars - Day 1
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/madoff31309

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a dickhead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders
sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give
him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the
pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There
was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion !" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull
loose?"

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained
sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit
down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know
what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound
98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the
actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a
representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during
Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

WARNING. This is a scam

2009-03-26T12:33:00.002Z

I found it!!!!!

2009-03-26T12:32:00.002Z

Time Travel

2009-03-24T12:19:00.000Z

THAT MOMENT BEFORE THE PAIN BEGINS!

2009-03-22T20:28:00.002Z

Finally, a Magazine for Married Men

2009-03-19T08:44:00.001Z

Question: What kind of bow is this?

2009-03-18T10:54:00.003Z

Question: What kind of bow is this?

Answer: Who Gives a Shit?

Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

Rob Sutton

Roundup!!

FW: Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

Clint Eastwood's Birthday

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!

Crazy Russians

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!

Thats one way to sort out problems

FW: Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

The Strip Show 19-09-11

Funny picture from FaceBook - read the second comment below the photo!

A Posh Shop In Newcastle - TRUE

HOW TO SERVE CHICKEN WINGS TO A MAN!

YOU THINK IT'S TIME SHE RETIRED??

ROONEY SIGNS NEW CONTRACT

Don't ever park illegally in England!

Well, Well

Pope Coming

Cosmetic Surgery Procedure

fsf

Who Said Romance is Dead in Scotland

Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!

Roundup!!!!

Roundup!!!

Suicide bombers set to strike tomorrow!

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP

FW: Roundup!!!!

FW: Why men don't write advice columns......

FW: Roundup!!!!

Global reaction to terrorist threat

Airport Security!

Roundup!!!

At Last a Magazine for Married Men

Circle of no life

Beware Facebook!!

What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia

What does a Al-Qaeda pussey look like?

Sack the Gardener

Just before the water visability turned brown.......

England Quidditch Team

This doggie is toast

African Miners Trapped Underground....amazing pic

The End is Near

Caution

Nice Headline

I see Monica Lewinsky is back!

Spots Photograph of the Year 2009

Ikea to make cars...

New Magazine

We're closing in!!

Treating a BLACK EYE

Sweet!!

Best holiday snap

Air Asia advert!

Is this why....

The Haircut

New for 2009 Harleys for him and her

Hello Barbie :)

Caught Sleeping At The Office? Excuses Here.

Shearer's rescue plan for Newcastle

A victim of swine flu!

Winnie the Poo

Do not take sweets from a stranger!

Grab your Free BBQ QUICK!

Be prepared...

Meanwhile in Scotland......

This week is walk for MS week

Fox Hunting

A Thought...........

Long Life Secret

Budget Security

Miss Wales 2009

Thats one way to sort out problems

NEWSFLASH