Friday, 14 December 2007
Monday, 10 December 2007
Walking on Water
THERE HAVE BEEN ONLY THREE MEN TO WALK ON WATER...
Do you know who they were?
The 1st one was Christ...
The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...
Then there was this Spanish guy, Jose...
Do you know who they were?
The 1st one was Christ...
The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...
Then there was this Spanish guy, Jose...
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Viz Letters
If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing. (Christina Martin, London)
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem. (Martin Kristos)
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (Johnny Pring)
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm. (Alan Heath)
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (M Lovejoy)
"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes. (Mrs Pinches, Hereford)
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. (S Prodnipple, Scarborough)
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh. (D Antarctica, Rhyll)
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. (Stella Matlock)
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. (T Potter)
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. (Warren)
This new police knife amnesty is a Bl**dy nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. (Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire)
To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's a*se: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. (Joe McKeown)
I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. (Neil Palmer)
I'm A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something. (A Terrorist)
Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. (Stu Bray)'
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. (Colum Hill)
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. (Raymond Wankybollocks)
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem. (Martin Kristos)
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (Johnny Pring)
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm. (Alan Heath)
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (M Lovejoy)
"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes. (Mrs Pinches, Hereford)
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. (S Prodnipple, Scarborough)
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh. (D Antarctica, Rhyll)
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. (Stella Matlock)
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. (T Potter)
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. (Warren)
This new police knife amnesty is a Bl**dy nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. (Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire)
To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's a*se: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. (Joe McKeown)
I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. (Neil Palmer)
I'm A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something. (A Terrorist)
Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. (Stu Bray)'
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. (Colum Hill)
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. (Raymond Wankybollocks)
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Some more Jokes...
Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England's Euro 2008 campaign.It's called the Laughing Stock
“The Three Lions on the England Team Shirts are to be replaced with three tampons. This is to reflect the worst period in their history.”
Crinmble No 1
And here's the album cover:http://www.b3tards.com/u/a609ede35986cfd048a1/nowrecords450.jpg
Everybody's Pin Number - Revealed!
More lost data - they just can't help themselves!http://www.positiveatheism.org/crt/pin.htm(Not intended for criminal use)
The professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple:Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary.First paragraph by Rebecca:At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.Second paragraph by Gary:Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluishparticle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.Rebecca:He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War andSpace Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...Gary:Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered theatmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"Rebecca:This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinisticsemi-literate adolescent.Gary:Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."Rebecca:Asshole.Gary:Bitch.Rebecca:DICK!Gary:Slut.Rebecca:Get F%$%#$d.Gary:You wish; eat shit.Rebecca:F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!Gary:Go drink some tea - whore.TEACHER:A+ - I really liked this one.
Bloke sitting in train, in otherwise empty carriage, sees two blokes in opposite pair of seats to him, they look like Hitler and Goebbels only more ancient. He can't believe it, thinks they must be a stage act or something, but they're chatting away in German, he finally leans over;Excuse me, you look like Adolf Hitler and Dr. Goebbels?That's right, we are, says HitlerBut I thought you guys were dead?No, that was just disinformation, Goebbels says, as you see we're alive and well, we're getting on a bit but, um Gotteswillen, here we are.But if anyone sees you they'll call the cops or MI5 or something!No, no, British have short memories, all that ancient stuff is over and gone now, Hitler says, it's global warming now, isn't it?Well, okay, the bloke says after a bit, but what on earth are you doing in England?Well, we've come to kill another two million Jews and a postman, says Hitler.A postman? Why a postman? What postman, for God's sake?You see, Goebbels says to Hitler, I told you, nobody gives a damn about the Jews.
...A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Britain. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. British man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Polish.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!' The person says, 'I not British, I am from Croatia.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Iran, I am not British!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an British?' She says, 'No, I am from Latvia!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?' The Latvian lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'
“The Three Lions on the England Team Shirts are to be replaced with three tampons. This is to reflect the worst period in their history.”
Crinmble No 1
And here's the album cover:http://www.b3tards.com/u/a609ede35986cfd048a1/nowrecords450.jpg
Everybody's Pin Number - Revealed!
More lost data - they just can't help themselves!http://www.positiveatheism.org/crt/pin.htm(Not intended for criminal use)
The professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple:Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary.First paragraph by Rebecca:At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.Second paragraph by Gary:Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluishparticle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.Rebecca:He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War andSpace Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...Gary:Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered theatmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"Rebecca:This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinisticsemi-literate adolescent.Gary:Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."Rebecca:Asshole.Gary:Bitch.Rebecca:DICK!Gary:Slut.Rebecca:Get F%$%#$d.Gary:You wish; eat shit.Rebecca:F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!Gary:Go drink some tea - whore.TEACHER:A+ - I really liked this one.
Bloke sitting in train, in otherwise empty carriage, sees two blokes in opposite pair of seats to him, they look like Hitler and Goebbels only more ancient. He can't believe it, thinks they must be a stage act or something, but they're chatting away in German, he finally leans over;Excuse me, you look like Adolf Hitler and Dr. Goebbels?That's right, we are, says HitlerBut I thought you guys were dead?No, that was just disinformation, Goebbels says, as you see we're alive and well, we're getting on a bit but, um Gotteswillen, here we are.But if anyone sees you they'll call the cops or MI5 or something!No, no, British have short memories, all that ancient stuff is over and gone now, Hitler says, it's global warming now, isn't it?Well, okay, the bloke says after a bit, but what on earth are you doing in England?Well, we've come to kill another two million Jews and a postman, says Hitler.A postman? Why a postman? What postman, for God's sake?You see, Goebbels says to Hitler, I told you, nobody gives a damn about the Jews.
...A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Britain. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. British man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Polish.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!' The person says, 'I not British, I am from Croatia.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Iran, I am not British!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an British?' She says, 'No, I am from Latvia!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?' The Latvian lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'
Just to keep smiling :O)
“A dog is for life, not just for Christmas……… So be careful at the Christmas party.”
“Our chip shop has gone green, they no longer sell cod but the alternatives are substandard. I went there last night and it was tough, a choice between a Rock and hard Plaice”.
Helpful Wedding Magazine
http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/wedding.jpg
“David Abrahams - understandable behavior ? You can see why a millionaire donor wouldn't want to give his real details to the Labour Party.They'd only go and lose them ...”
During one of her classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, askedher class the following question: "Michael, if you were on a datehaving dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that youneed to go to the toilet?"Michael said, "Just a minute 'luv I have to go for a pee."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."What about you Andrew, how would you say it?"Andrew said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the loo, I'll beback in a tic.""That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word loo.""And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show usyour good manners?""I would say: darlin, may I please be excused for a moment, I have toshake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduceyou to after dinner."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the sales assistant, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'Now she's feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feelaround very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''I promise I won't' she says.'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
“Our chip shop has gone green, they no longer sell cod but the alternatives are substandard. I went there last night and it was tough, a choice between a Rock and hard Plaice”.
Helpful Wedding Magazine
http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/wedding.jpg
“David Abrahams - understandable behavior ? You can see why a millionaire donor wouldn't want to give his real details to the Labour Party.They'd only go and lose them ...”
During one of her classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, askedher class the following question: "Michael, if you were on a datehaving dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that youneed to go to the toilet?"Michael said, "Just a minute 'luv I have to go for a pee."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."What about you Andrew, how would you say it?"Andrew said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the loo, I'll beback in a tic.""That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word loo.""And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show usyour good manners?""I would say: darlin, may I please be excused for a moment, I have toshake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduceyou to after dinner."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the sales assistant, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'Now she's feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feelaround very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''I promise I won't' she says.'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
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