Speed Camera

Walking on Water

THERE HAVE BEEN ONLY THREE MEN TO WALK ON WATER...






Do you know who they were?






The 1st one was Christ...






The 2nd one was the apostle, Peter...






Then there was this Spanish guy, Jose...

Viz Letters

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing. (Christina Martin, London)

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem. (Martin Kristos)

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (Johnny Pring)

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm. (Alan Heath)

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (M Lovejoy)

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes. (Mrs Pinches, Hereford)

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good. (S Prodnipple, Scarborough)

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh. (D Antarctica, Rhyll)

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive. (Stella Matlock)

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. (T Potter)

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. (Warren)

This new police knife amnesty is a Bl**dy nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with. (Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire)

To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's a*se: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. (Joe McKeown)

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. (Neil Palmer)

I'm A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something. (A Terrorist)

Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. (Stu Bray)'

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. (Colum Hill)

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. (Raymond Wankybollocks)

Nativity in Dagenham!