At Home Secretary

"Richard, did you download the videos I asked you to get?"

"Yes honeybuns, and I've also got something 'special' for you to wear."

"What do you mean 'SPECIAL TO WEAR'? You did get the films on Toryism and Socialism, I wanted didn't you?"

"Oh rats Jacqui, I thought you said Troilism and Sadism!"

Here

Milked dry!!!

Easter is cancelled

Roundup!!!

What does your teenager get up to .... .. when left alone in the house with a paintbrush?!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm

Pie Chart

http://spacebit.org/2008/09/19/pie-i-have-eaten-and-pie-i-have-not-eaten

Excellent add - with excellent questions.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/1997-ROVER-214-SI-RED_W0QQitemZ280324899952QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAutomobiles_UK?hash=item280324899952&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1683%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318


12 Year Old Boy Scouts volunteer to give Breast Examinations
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/12_year_old_boy_scouts_volunteer

(Now why didn't *I* think of that???)



Madoff Behind Bars - Day 1
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/madoff31309





Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. 

So my wife called him a dickhead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. 

It's important at our age.





An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders
sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give
him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the
pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There
was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion !" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull
loose?"



During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained
sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit
down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know
what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound
98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the
actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a
representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during
Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

WARNING. This is a scam

I found it!!!!!

Time Travel

THAT MOMENT BEFORE THE PAIN BEGINS!

Finally, a Magazine for Married Men

Question: What kind of bow is this?

Question: What kind of bow is this? 

Answer: Who Gives a Shit? 

Australian Letter of the Year - Fabulous!

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected wanker who wouldn’t otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication…

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my Father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!…

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin’ there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. That’d be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! …you fucking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. And Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am; You know.. Someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!!……a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the ‘right sort of government.’

You are all Fucking idiots

QEd

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1162520/RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN-Share-pain-No-woman-doesnt-deserve-penny.html

[Scroll to the bottom]

'A plot to flood Britain with fake pound coins has been foiled by police in Italy. Two men have been charged with quantitative easing.'

Depressed

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?” 
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, “I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. “Wow”, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, “No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one’s on the house.” 
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, “So what did you do?” “I walked over to my wife”, the man replied, “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.” “That makes sense”, said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?” “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ‘Bad dog!’”

MAN FLU - The Facts.....

1. Man-flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single man-flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract man-flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have man-flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from man-flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from man-flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown man-flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-flu germs are more powerful than He-man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of man-flu.

10. While it may seem like a man-flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by man-flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

Dont be fooled by Rabbits

Priceless Observations Department:

 
 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' 
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 
<><>  
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 
- Eleanor Roosevelt  
<><> 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
- Mark Twain 
<><> 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
- George Burns 
<><>  
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
- Victor Borge 
<><>  
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
- Mark Twain 
<><>  
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
- Socrates 
<><>  
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
- Groucho Marx 
<><>  
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
- Jimmy Durante 
<><>  
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
- Zsa Zsa Gabor 
<><>  
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
- Alex Levine 
<><>  
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 
- Rodney Dangerfield 
<><>  
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
- Spike Milligan 
<><>  
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . 
- Joe Namath 
<><>  
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
- Bob Hope 
<><>  
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 
- W. C. Fields 
<><>  
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
- Will Rogers 
<><>  
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 
- Winston Churchill 
<><>  
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
- Phyllis Diller 
<><>  
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
- Billy Crystal 
<><> 
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out. 

Insurance claim

A New Mouse for Women

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of Psychological problem. 

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women. 

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design: 

Julie 
from Oldham said:- 

'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be' 

Susan 
from Ashton added:- 

'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle' 

Hillary 
from Birmigham :said - 

'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'! 

 

 

Picture below:

 

2009 Motivational Posters

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

Women reading this will be finished now. 

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Going down on the Titanic?

Students at a US high school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My
Life' by Bill Clinton. And to write a book report on them.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories....


Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Gordon and the Donkey

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"

Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon , with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge profit"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize.

So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, then PM and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

Trip

Hi. Just had a business trip to Toronto. While there I managed to get a great shot of the CN Tower. Thought you would like me to share on the Fool Board. Being new to photography, I normally find it hard to capture the majesty of such large and impressive structures....