Priceless Observations Department:

 
 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' 
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 
- Eleanor Roosevelt  
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
- Mark Twain 
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
- George Burns 
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
- Victor Borge 
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
- Mark Twain 
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
- Socrates 
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
- Groucho Marx 
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
- Jimmy Durante 
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
- Zsa Zsa Gabor 
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
- Alex Levine 
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 
- Rodney Dangerfield 
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Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
- Spike Milligan 
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . 
- Joe Namath 
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
- Bob Hope 
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 
- W. C. Fields 
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
- Will Rogers 
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 
- Winston Churchill 
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
- Phyllis Diller 
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
- Billy Crystal 
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.