Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Controlling Kids

Most of the populace think it improper to spankchildren, so Ihave tried other methods to control my kids when theyhave one of'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take thechild for a carride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others sayit's the timeaway from any distractions such as TV, Video Games,Computer, IPod,etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stopmisbehaving after ourcar ride together. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions withmy son, in caseyou would like to use the technique. Sincerely, Your FriendI think this will work with grandchildren, stepchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Friday, 15 February 2008

Rec Hoar

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Rec Time

Egg condemns 'prudent scum'

Star Trek meets Monty Python
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkTEIoJc&feature=relatedMust have taken him ages to do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkTEIoJc&feature=relatedMust have taken him ages to do.

Can't solve that Rubix cube?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QOvEG27Gt4

In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Asians andEastern European's appearing on TV, the BBC has decided that in the future'Crime watch' will be shown TWICE weekly.

One of the big problems in society is stupidity. I'm not advocating capital punishment for it, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

What does an Englishman's wife say after orgasm?No one knows.How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?Two, one to phone a Polish electrician and one to complain about Poles nicking their jobsWhy are the English like sperm?Only one in a million work

A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman. Did it hurt? No, not really, only the last bit. Was that when they cut it off? No, that didn't hurt, it was the last bit. Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest? No, it was just the last bit that hurt. Well what was the last bit? You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger. That was agony!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down todrink a beer.After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who ownsthe big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do. Why?"The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought youwould like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!"The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver wasabout dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some waterand made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a littlebetter.The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to runaround Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to makehim start to feel better."Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned tothe bar to finish his drink.A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar andannounces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong withhim this time?"The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know thatyou left your Injun running!"

The scene; Sir Rodney is at his London home in Chelsea... At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Sir Rodney? This is Albert" (the caretaker at Sir Rodneys country house)"Ah yes, Albert. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?""Um, I am just calling to advise you, Sir , that your parrot, he is dead""My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?""Yes, Sir, that's the one.""Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?""From eating the rotten meat, Sir Rodney.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?""Nobody, Sir. He simply ate the meat from the dead horse. " "Dead horse? What dead horse Albert?""The thoroughbred, Sir Rodney.""My prize thoroughbred is dead?""Yes, Sir, I am afraid he died from all that work pulling the water cart.""Are you insane What water cart?" screams Sir Rodney"The one we used to put out the fire, Sir.""Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man ""The one at the mansion, Sir ! Did you not get the message ... A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."" I have been away on a trip to the villa in Portugal with Sir Peter but anyway... What the hell !! Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle !!""Yes, Sir.""But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?""For the funeral, Sir Rodney... Why were you not there ??.""WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL !!""Your wife's, Sir Rodney",... She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her rather hard with your new Tailor-Made Super Quad 460 golf club."SILENCE..... ...... LONG SILENCE..... .....STILL SILENCE..... ....."Albert ....I am returning to the house immediately...You may have been in my employ for 37 years but if you broke that golf club, you're in deep shit!!"

A US air-force plane was preparing for departure from Thule,in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The aircraft commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the airman was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.The aircraft commander berated the airman for his lack of speed and promised punishment.The airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

Paul gets his share of the divorce settlement!