Friday, 25 November 2011


Engineering Flowchart


What the British say / What they really mean


Simon Cowell is a sissy

Just bonkers, quite mad act.




I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.




How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - One to remove the bulb and drop it - the other to try and flog it before it crashes through the floor!



I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder.
This really brought home to me the horror of the situation.
That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need!!





I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia






(From the North Wyoming News, 2nd April 2010, "Letters to the Editor")
"Dear Sir,
I object and take exception to people saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.
As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
Bruce L. Hargreaves
USN Retired



Saw a shit mind reader today. 
Mind reader: Think of a card, any card. 
Me: OK
Mind reader: Visualize it in your mind. 
Me: OK
Mind reader: Is it the nine of clubs?
Me: No
Mind reader: Ace of spades?
Me: No
Mind reader: What is it then?
Me: 'Condolences on your loss'




Status update from female friend of mine on Facebook - 
Right Girlies we don't like the men thinking they are doing some hard work not shaving for 'movember' sooo..... Wait for it let's do FANNUARY!!! keep ourselfs warm through winter!!! Happy growing :))))))
And one of her friends has replied:
The boys have taken update pics of theirs! There is no way I'll be takin pics of mine and postin on Facebook thanks!!! Lol x





Duck walks to the edge of the pavement looks each way. Chicken shouts "For goodness sake mate, don't. You'll never hear the end of it"




A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. 
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing


Friday, 11 November 2011


Get ripped
for all the wanna-be bodybuilders and musclemen sitting on the internet reading this... you need a different website.

Online shopping vs In-Store shopping
How would you cope with online checkout . . . in-store?

First World Problems

How things change!

The art of being a newsreader . . . . . . is knowing when to utilise a pause in your spiel.

Keeping your balls clean

While waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans, funny, when I woke I had 26 missed calls.
It can't have been that important though, as when I rang back no one answered.

“Walking Eagle”
On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for he UK and Europe
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap that it can no longer fly.
I can think of one or two others who are well in line for that award indeed I am sure we all can!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.

American kids

TEACHER:              Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:                Here it is.
TEACHER:              Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:                Maria.

TEACHER:              John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:                 You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:              Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:                K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:              No, that's wrong
GLENN:                Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   
(I Love this child)

TEACHER:              Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:               H I J K L M N O
TEACHER:              What are you talking about?
DONALD:               Yesterday you said it's H to O.   

TEACHER:              Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:               Me!

TEACHER:              Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:                 Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   

TEACHER:              Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
MILLIE:               I is..
TEACHER:              No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:               All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'   

TEACHER:              George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
                      Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:                Because George still had the axe in his hand....   
TEACHER:              Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:                No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
TEACHER:              Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:                No, sir. It's the same dog.   
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER:              Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people aren't interested?
HAROLD:               A teacher?

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $1,999,999.75.

Thursday, 3 November 2011


5 ball juggling with hands and feet



Jobs in heaven



Got to sympathise with the travellers at Dale Farm. I too have a lifestyle choice that attracts persecution from the government.
I have a Job!!



My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.



My mother-in-law came round to our Halloween party dressed in a witch's hat, big black cape and a broomstick.
Then she went upstairs to change into her party clothes.




I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after noseying through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's uniform. a french maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's obvious, she can't hold down a job...



Getting the Dale Farm Travellers down from their scaffolding is going to be the best game of Ker-plunk ever.



Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.



First child swallows a coin: You rush to the hospital
Second child swallows a coin: You check the nappies religiously
Third child swallows a coin : You dock it from their pocket money

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.



A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".....
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"....
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."




Clint Eastwood's Birthday

It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood’s birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.
  I don’t think it worked out the way they wanted it to …