Friday, 30 September 2011

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!


The modern world...



Another one!

Check the second paragraph, starting with "Samuel Tak Lee, who owns..." to learn the name of his long-term 'sexual companion'.


50% tax rate




Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!



A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk five paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk five paces behind women.
She asks the interpreter, “What brought about the change?”
He replies, “Landmines.” 




I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.



I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA. 
Should look cool on my black jeep.



When I was 15 I was on the sex offenders' register.
Or 'Mr. Jones' as we called him in class.



"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender. 
A neutrino walks into a bar.



Dear Greece,

Once you agree to pay your bills, you can have your weather back.

Great Britain



Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Lifts rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Pampers Nappies remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Andrex Tissue touched a new bottom.
And Durecell exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.




Next time you get grief from your Admin department about a late filed form or missing inventory just quote the Duke of wellington to them:

Message from Sir Arthur Wellesley, Earl of Wellington, to the British
Foreign Office in London, written in Spain, August 1812


Whilst marching from Portugal to a position, which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently
complying with your requests, which have been sent by H.M. ship from
London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen
of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible
carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are
war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe
that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I
shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,






Sunday, 25 September 2011

That’s one way to sort out problems


Friday, 23 September 2011

FW: Roundup!!!

George Brownridge



Think we all need one of these....


Nigella's best bits...Cleaverly cut. May couse...Offence?





TomTom for sale  a good sales pitch



Draw a stickman...... If you've got 5 minutes to doodle, try this...







A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."





The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable. 
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.






I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes

Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....Sex on the telephone - Direct Line ....

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ...

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ...

Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels ....

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....

Sex with a transvestite - :~)




I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.






I was telling a guy at work how useless I am with the ladies, and how I had to stand on a chair to kiss last night's date goodnight. 
He said, "Wow! She was that tall?"
I said, "No, she hanged herself."




A guy met a woman at a bar and they went to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says, "shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio."
She says, "you mean polio?"
He says, "no, I got toelio."
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts.
She looks again and says, "don't tell me - smallcox?"




I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.



Monday, 19 September 2011


The Harvard Museum of Natural History. . . are refreshingly honest about why they have removed one of their exhibits.


Laptop self charger

Brilliant. Now just for wireless power and were sorted


Joy of Photoshop (url)



What it’s like to play online games as an adult.



Got to admit I wouldn't have put the scissors there...




They say so many people die because of alcohol..
Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.





Most scousers can trace their family tree back at least 15 generations.

All the way back to 1980.





I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches




I just got sentenced to 15 years for assisted suicide and I'm really regretting my foolish actions. 
I should never have given that woman a 'pass' on her driving test.




Police quotes


"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."









3 old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you two are saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'






Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced. 

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Serves them right.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime. 

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.


The Strip Show 19-09-11