Friday, 23 September 2011

FW: Roundup!!!

George Brownridge



Think we all need one of these....


Nigella's best bits...Cleaverly cut. May couse...Offence?





TomTom for sale  a good sales pitch



Draw a stickman...... If you've got 5 minutes to doodle, try this...







A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."





The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable. 
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.






I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes

Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....Sex on the telephone - Direct Line ....

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ...

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ...

Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels ....

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....

Sex with a transvestite - :~)




I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.






I was telling a guy at work how useless I am with the ladies, and how I had to stand on a chair to kiss last night's date goodnight. 
He said, "Wow! She was that tall?"
I said, "No, she hanged herself."




A guy met a woman at a bar and they went to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says, "shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio."
She says, "you mean polio?"
He says, "no, I got toelio."
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts.
She looks again and says, "don't tell me - smallcox?"




I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.