Friday, 27 February 2009


 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Match Of The Day.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend could ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) £100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) impossible - she looks too gorgeous!
b) not a problem, she can join a gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Score 1 point for every answer "a" 
Score 2 points for every answer "b" 
Score 3 points for every answer "c" 

Your Score 

10 points: You are a saint, a liar, or a eunuch. 
11-20 points: You are an average joe. Good luck in the battle of the sexes. 
21-30 points: You are a real man's man. Your fear of intimacy with women and your love of men's sports screams latent homosexuality. You need a nice she-male dominatrix to teach you respect. 
31-40 You can't add, ( must be a Brummie ).

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Ireland's worst driver caught at last




Badge for our times




Monica's back.





Is this the quote of the decade?


Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?' 


Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'




An effigy of Christ on the cross has been stolen from the cathedral in liverpool. Just goes to show you - Scousers will even nick stuff that's nailed down!.



I was having another row with the wife last night. I told her: "You're pathetic. All you care about is getting the upper hand in these ridiculous arguments." 


She went off crying.


4-3 to me, I think.




A student comes to a young professor's office. 


She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. 


She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything... 


"He returns her gaze, "Anything?" 




His voice softens, "Anything?" 


"Anything," she repeats again. 


His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"





I see Paris Hilton won an alternative Oscar - those for the worst films etc. What was it - Dumb Slag Millionaire?



13y/o Alfie Patten has decided to join 'Fathers for Justice'.

This is primarily because he already has the spider-man outfit.


It was reported that Alfie Patten's girlfriend (Chantell Steadman) is hoped to 

be a good prospect for a cycling medal at the 2012 Olympics , the 

hardest thing will be sorting out whose going to ride her, but the 

trials have already started....






The future of nursery rhyme



It's Raining, It's Pouring

Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.



Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.



Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread.



Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its @rse

And turned its wool to nylon.


Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

And grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.



Mary had a little lamb

She and it were buddies

It followed her to school one day

Got an "A" in media studies





I thought of a brilliant joke earlier whilst at work, I rushed up to my mate on third floor, told him it and he fell about laughing. So I told it to my other mate on the fourth floor, my girlfriend on the seventh and my my boss on the eleventh and got the same resulting hilarity.


I'm telling you, that joke worked on so many levels.






A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ringpiece.

He goes to the shop and asks the shopkeeper, "Does tha' sell arse cream?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Aye, lad, we do.

Does tha want a Magnum or a cornetto?"



I don't know what's up with me of lately, I keep thinking I'm an RAC man.

If it carries on much longer, I'm convinced I'm heading for a breakdown.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Short Ones

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake? 

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him. 

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money. 

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. 

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it? 

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton. 

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese. 

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to. 

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers. 

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month. 

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep. 

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder. 

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed. 

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section. 

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself. 

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns. 

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons. 

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere. 

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed. 

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil. 

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time. 

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing. 

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head. 

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly. 

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet. 

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. 

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it. 

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways. 

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress. 

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back. 

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since. 

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you". 

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window. 

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on. 

I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been away. 

There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky. 

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. 

I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much cause to do so in the normal run of things. 

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it." 

This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know very little. 

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course. 

It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle. 

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself. 

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it. 

This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch. 

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter." 

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Topical advert.

Friday, 6 February 2009

Free guitars!

Thursday, 5 February 2009


cake wrecks

Men CAN Multitask!

After 18 years of marriage my missus still gets upset when I use her toothbrush. If you know of a better way of getting dog shit out from the tread of trainers I`m all ears.


if you cant stand spiders go no where near this............ 

Your own pet me the creeps!

Click on the site below, boy will you ever get a surprise. Read
Instructions below first.....

Poke and prod the spider with your mouse, also 'grab' one of its legs
With your mouse and drag it around the screen. Tell me it's not alive!

Also, anywhere on the map put the cursor and then hit the space bar and
It leaves little bugs. Watch the spider go after them and when she
Catches them they disappear; this is totally crazy and creepy too!


Hmmm, snow. The only time four inches can keep a woman in bed all day

Message from the Prime Minister
This snow started in Russia and is global snow which no one could have foreseen. I indicated ten years ago that such snow needed regulation and we must act together now, globally, to ensure that we survive this coming week. The government will not be diverted from spending some billions on addressing this snow and the consultation process will start within the next few months; meanwhile a special task force will be set up to find out why London buses continue to refuse to lend traction on snow covered surfaces and whether snow ploughs and gritters should, in the next few weeks, be deployed. As a part of this process we are not ruling out the nationalisation of tyres and need to see some change of behaviour in the next period. This country is best placed to grit the roads unlike other countries such as Tenerife and Corfu where they do not have gritting lorries; this is as long as we could have seen it coming. Like the do nothing Met Office did...

I found this helpful little note stuck on my refrigerator last week:

Put both lids of the toilet up. Then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse. 
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. 
The Dog

Click on the link below and a playing card will appear on your screen...wait for it to load (may take a little while), then look below the card and you will see a line that has a little red slider bar in it. 

Move the slider gradually to the right and stop and watch the show take place, then move it a little more to the right and stop and another show will take place and keep doing this till you are to the end.

Leave a lot of time for it all to load. I missed the dramatic ending first time around.

Not a joke, but entertaining.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold. And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful ... until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She, too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be pants down. And you thought your first date was embarrassing!

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.


RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'


Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.


On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.


Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.


Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'


Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.


There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Wednesday, 4 February 2009


Tuesday, 3 February 2009