Thursday, 26 February 2009

Ireland's worst driver caught at last




Badge for our times




Monica's back.





Is this the quote of the decade?


Judge Judy to prostitute : 'When did you realize you were raped?' 


Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'




An effigy of Christ on the cross has been stolen from the cathedral in liverpool. Just goes to show you - Scousers will even nick stuff that's nailed down!.



I was having another row with the wife last night. I told her: "You're pathetic. All you care about is getting the upper hand in these ridiculous arguments." 


She went off crying.


4-3 to me, I think.




A student comes to a young professor's office. 


She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. 


She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything... 


"He returns her gaze, "Anything?" 




His voice softens, "Anything?" 


"Anything," she repeats again. 


His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"





I see Paris Hilton won an alternative Oscar - those for the worst films etc. What was it - Dumb Slag Millionaire?



13y/o Alfie Patten has decided to join 'Fathers for Justice'.

This is primarily because he already has the spider-man outfit.


It was reported that Alfie Patten's girlfriend (Chantell Steadman) is hoped to 

be a good prospect for a cycling medal at the 2012 Olympics , the 

hardest thing will be sorting out whose going to ride her, but the 

trials have already started....






The future of nursery rhyme



It's Raining, It's Pouring

Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.



Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.



Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread.



Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its @rse

And turned its wool to nylon.


Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

And grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.



Mary had a little lamb

She and it were buddies

It followed her to school one day

Got an "A" in media studies





I thought of a brilliant joke earlier whilst at work, I rushed up to my mate on third floor, told him it and he fell about laughing. So I told it to my other mate on the fourth floor, my girlfriend on the seventh and my my boss on the eleventh and got the same resulting hilarity.


I'm telling you, that joke worked on so many levels.






A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ringpiece.

He goes to the shop and asks the shopkeeper, "Does tha' sell arse cream?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Aye, lad, we do.

Does tha want a Magnum or a cornetto?"



I don't know what's up with me of lately, I keep thinking I'm an RAC man.

If it carries on much longer, I'm convinced I'm heading for a breakdown.