Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Friday, 8 October 2010

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Well, Well

Pope Coming

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Cosmetic Surgery Procedure

Most of you have heard of a small surgical procedure called a butt lift.
I wanted to show you how it turns out.
Please, refrain from having this done, you will regret it.
...(scroll down)...




Tuesday, 2 March 2010

fsf




David Cameron Poster

Make your own, every one's a winner.

http://www.andybarefoot.com/politics/cameron.php?poster=82470







Human Spiderman. Whoa! This guy is just amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzLuFiL8tPc&feature=related





Best Fails of 2009

http://www.maxim.co.uk/video/comedy/19786/best_fails_of_2009.html?CMP=NLC-Newsletters





It's Finished!

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/win7.jpg











Cadburys

Only the crumbliest flakiest government would allow this to happen........................







Why do they call it Fox News?

Because that's what it does!









Due to the icy conditions lately, a lady has slipped and fatally died while leaving Sainsbury’s….... very sad news.... she had just bought a bag for life!









A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer, football and women with big tits."







Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service, and she's in tears.



He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"



She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed

away last night."



The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always

cheating on you, wasn't he?"



"Yes, that he was." she replied.



"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying

to find at least a little good in Mary's time of woe. "Tell me,"

he went on, "did he have any last requests?"



"That he did, Father..."



"What did he ask, Mary?"



"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'"







At the bank: "I'm here to speak to the loan arranger." "He's not here." "Well then, can I talk to Tonto?"







During a recent phone conversation, I asked my Mother if I was a gifted

child. She told me that they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.





Saturday, 27 February 2010

Friday, 19 February 2010

Roundup!!!

I enjoy a bit of lowbrow slapstick.

http://www.mediabum.com/videos/Really-Dirty-Trick-on-Wife.html

 

 

Follow the road in Google street view, but watch out behind you as you go!

 

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=rugdeveien+39+bergen&sll=59.913801,10.73882&sspn=0.000449,0.001635&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Rugdeveien+39,+5097+Bergen,+Hordaland,+Norway&t=h&layer=c&ll=60.360883,5.36923&spn=0.000361,0.005681&z=18&cbll=60.360881,5.369057&panoid=BY_5XvRgiDLdoZMJGdTTlw&cbp=12,82.09,,0,14.69

 

 

A brief history of pretty much everything. Toptastic

http://laughingsquid.com/a-brief-history-of-pretty-much-everything

“A Brief History of Pretty Much Everything”, a flipbook animation by Jamie Bell made for an art course with biro pens on 2100 pages in 50 jotter books.

 

 

 

The Human Sexuality Story (told with pens)

http://9gag.com/photo/17170_full.jpg

 

 

 

You shouldn't laugh but...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1qDpQYMjqs&feature=related

 

 

Labrador having dinner... very well done and very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S519ziFdcuk&feature=related

 

 

 

 

As I was walking to work this morning I passed a bloke sitting in an RAC van, he was sobbing uncontrollably and looked really miserable. I thought to myself, that bloke's heading for a breakdown..............

 

 

 

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Mary, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

 

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

 

Walter leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently, and whispered,

 

'Waitrose Self-Raising, isn't it?'

 

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........

 

 

 

The reason that I am against assisted suicide is due to the potential for misunderstandings.

Apparently Ray Gosling's chap's last words were 'Would you mind finishing me off?'

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between Gordon Brown's government and the Mafia?

 

One of them is organized.

 

 

The reason that I am against assisted suicide is due to the potential for misunderstandings.

Apparently Ray Gosling's chap's last words were 'Would you mind finishing me off?'

 

 

Signs

 

Over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 

On a plumber’s van: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

 

On the vans of a plumbing company: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

 

Outside an exhaust fitter's: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

 

In a vet’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

 

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”

 

On an electrician’s van: “Let us remove your shorts.”

 

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

 

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

 

At an optician’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

 

In the front of a funeral parlour: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

 

 

#

 

#

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Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Roundup!!!

The end!!! I found it

http://www.otoons.de/joke&game/end.htm

'Oh well, the house badly needs decorating'

 

 

 

 

Spotted on the Jubilee Line recently:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2692/4275803709_81e73cb080.jpg

 

 

The night is young..... .....and you are enormous

http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2010/02/03/ambassador_at_very_large

 

 

http://sorisomail.com/email/12428/strip-duma-mulheraca-mesmo-boa-vale-a-pena-ver.html

Amusingly clever!

 

 

 

 

 

After the success of Michael Palin's travels, Paul Merton in europe, Billy Connelly etc I wonder if there would be scope to do some travel programmes with other comedians.

I'd like to see Bernard Manning's Pakistan or Jim Davidson's Africa.

 

 

 

 

 

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra

 

"Can I have 6 tablets cut in quarters please?"

 

"I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. "

 

"I am 96 " said the old man .

 

"I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. "

 

 

It seems that these days most Americans & British think it is improper to spank a child. Recently the California state legislators introduced legislative proposed action against spanking. Over the years a friend of mine has tried other methods to control their kids when they had one of "those moments".

 

One method he found effective is to take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after their car ride together.

 

I included a photo below of one of his sessions with his son, in case anyone would like to use the technique.

 

http://heartgauctionandrealty.com/images/Tough_Love.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Survival Tip #1

 

If you have water with you, drink it all immediately. There is a good chance you will be rescued before long so it is pointless being dehydrated. If you do run out of water, the trick to finding more in the wilderness is to remember that water always flows downhill. Find a hill and wait at the bottom. I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine so I always take a two litre bottle of it wherever I go just in case.

 

 

Survival Tip #2

 

Do not eat the bright purple mushrooms. Once while lost, I found and ate some bright purple mushrooms figuring such a friendly colour could not possibly be dangerous. A short time later, a beetle and I discussed the differences between the director's cut of Bladerunner and the cinematic release. Always remember that bark is an excellent source of nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees celcius.

 

Things that should not be eaten:

 

Bright purple mushrooms

Rocks

Cha-Chi's Mexican Restaurant food

Wasps

 

 

Survival Tip #3

 

Building yourself a shelter is an integral part of survival. A small bungalow or cottage will be sufficient unless you have a lot of furniture. Always remember that when tiling a roof, it is important to use a rope and harness to avoid falling. If you do fall, land horizontally with your arms and legs stretched out to maximise surface area. Always check with your local council on required permits prior to building.

 

Protect yourself from hungry animals by fortifying your shelter. A wall of no less than two metres with a lockable gate should be sufficient. Always build your wall out of non combustible materials as wild animals will often attempt to gain access by using fire. Befriend large animals such as bears to protect you from smaller ones. A bear can easily be mollified by running towards it yelling.

 

Materials that are not suitable for building shelter with:

 

Water

Angry words

Live ants

 

 

Survival Tip #4

 

Building a fire without the use of matches or a lighter is a simple matter. Most forest fires are caused by lightning strikes so run a steel cable from the top of a tall tree to a pile of sticks and then be patient. Construct your fire under a group of trees and stack large piles of leaves around the edge to serve as wind breaks. Wolves are attracted to firelight but have a highly developed sense of smell and detest the odour of petrol so be sure to douse the surrounding area and yourself well.

 

If you do not have petrol with you and wolves enter your campsite, curling up into a small ball and making a high pitched sound like a wounded bird will confuse and deter them. If you are being attacked by a wolf, do not accidentally grab a snake to fight it off with. If you have emergency flares, taping several dozen to your legs and setting them off at the same time will allow you to hover above the wolves for several seconds, safe from their snapping jaws.

 

 

Survival Tip #5

 

Having the appropriate clothing and medical equipment in preparation for any weather condition or emergency situation is the key to survival. If you are camping in a cool climate such as the Antarctic, make sure you take a scarf. Watching the movie Castaway will give you an idea of what items would be useful should you find yourself lost for several years and comes down to personal preference. If I was Tom Hanks, I would have taken several hundred cartons of cigarettes and a suitcase of pornography.

 

I read somewhere about a guy who, while camping, cut his leg and as he was sleeping, a spider laid eggs in the wound. I would rather amputate my leg than have baby spiders hatching in it so a surgical grade bone saw is an essential component in any backpack. It is always better to pre-empt these things so any limbs that receive cuts, scratches or bites should be removed immediately.

 

 

Survival Tip #6

 

Find some means of alerting rescuers to your whereabouts. If you are lost in a desert, writing a large SOS in the sand with your water is an effective means of drawing attention. If you are lost in a jungle, a simple two way radio can be constructed from kits available at any Tandy or RadioShack store. Waving your arms at passing rescue planes expends precious energy so it is better to dig a small hole, lay in it, cover yourself with leaves to keep warm and relax while you wait for them to find you.

 

Use the time you are waiting to be rescued wisely. Sort your DVD collection into alphabetical order or fix that broken tap that you have been meaning to for months but did not get around to because it would mean driving to the hardware store and buying a new rubber washer. Scrapbooking is apparently a fun and satisfying hobby.

 

Having someone to talk to will help the time pass much more quickly. The last time I was lost and feeling lonely, I constructed company to talk to from mud. I called her Anne and after realising we had a lot in common, we fell in love. Sadly, she disappeared a few nights later during a rainstorm and though I searched desperately for her throughout the wilderness for many weeks, I eventually gave up hope and sought recluse from the outside world inside a dam where I lived for eight years with my pain and a family of angry beavers.

 

 

Survival Tip #7

 

If you become bored while waiting to be rescued and decide to walk, it is helpful to have a map. As you have no way of knowing where you may become lost, a map of everywhere is required. Simply marking everywhere on the map you are not will pinpoint where you are. A simple compass can be constructed by rubbing a small round pebble up and down polyester slacks to generate static magneticity then floating the pebble in a small pool of water. The pebble will sometimes face north.

 

Keeping a collection of pebbles in your pocket is also handy for when you come to a stream as you can use them as stepping stones. In case of deeper rivers, it is wise to carry a collection of larger rocks in your backpack at all times. If the river is still too deep, constructing a canoe can easily be accomplished by pouring a mixture of liquid polymer and setting agents into a precast mould.

 

 

#

 

#

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Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Friday, 22 January 2010

Roundup!!!

David Cameron Poster

Make your own, every one's a winner.

http://www.andybarefoot.com/politics/cameron.php?poster=82470

 

 

 

Human Spiderman. Whoa! This guy is just amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzLuFiL8tPc&feature=related

 

 

Best Fails of 2009

http://www.maxim.co.uk/video/comedy/19786/best_fails_of_2009.html?CMP=NLC-Newsletters

 

 

It's Finished!

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/win7.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

Cadburys

Only the crumbliest flakiest government would allow this to happen........................

 

 

 

Why do they call it Fox News?

Because that's what it does!

 

 

 

 

Due to the icy conditions lately, a lady has slipped and fatally died while leaving Sainsbury’s….... very sad news.... she had just bought a bag for life!

 

 

 

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer, football and women with big tits."

 

 

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service, and she's in tears.

 

He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed

away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always

cheating on you, wasn't he?"

 

"Yes, that he was." she replied.

 

"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying

to find at least a little good in Mary's time of woe. "Tell me,"

he went on, "did he have any last requests?"

 

"That he did, Father..."

 

"What did he ask, Mary?"

 

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'"

 

 

 

At the bank: "I'm here to speak to the loan arranger." "He's not here." "Well then, can I talk to Tonto?"

 

 

 

During a recent phone conversation, I asked my Mother if I was a gifted

child. She told me that they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

 

#

 

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Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Roundup!!!!

 

 

Siblings eh! Hell hath no fury and all that..........

Sister grasses up brother for having beer in room, parents ground him for 3 months, he finds her "list" and posts it on facebook, tags everyone on the list....

http://www.woosk.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/facebook-karma.jpg

Character assasination...Total

 

 

The truth of the Internet

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/net_a.jpg

 

 

 

Do I want that ?

I'm not sure if I want this book or not

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0023XAE0I/sr=1-1/qid=1263806803/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1263806803&sr=1-1&seller=

 

 

 

Amusingly named Japanese scientist

http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=Pxq&q=%22yu+arafuka

 

 

photo manipulation at its finest

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/photo-manipulation-at-its

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ricky Gervais hosts The Golden Globes

Excerpts from Ricky at the Awards show last night . . .

"Looking at all these faces reminds me of all the great work that's been done this year... by cosmetic surgeons.”

"I had a penis reduction. Just got the one now. It's pretty tiny. So are my hands. So when I hold it, it looks pretty big. I wish I was doing that now, to be honest.“

"Now let's get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno."

"Actors aren't just loved here in Hollywood, they're loved the world over because they're recognisable. You can be in the Third World and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better. You can be a little child, a little Asian child, with no possessions, no money - but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and you think, 'Mummy!'"

"I was on the same plane as Paul McCartney to get here. I was in first and he was behind me in coach. Well, he spent a lot of money last year."

"I've had a couple of beers... I'm not going to lie to you. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I like a drink as much as the next man... Unless the next man is Mel Gibson."

"A particular stereotype is that Irishmen are drunk, hairy hell raisers. Now please welcome Colin Farrell."

Introducing Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler as "Rachel from Friends and the guy from 300."

Gervais also took a shot at his American counterpart for The Office', Steve Carrell. In answer to Gervais' joke about people wondering where Steve Carrell gets his ideas from, Carrell mouthed at him “I will break you.”

"I will be making the most of this; I'm not used to these viewing figures - let's face it, nor is NBC." He said in reference to his hosting of the Golden Globes.

 

 

Satan writes to Rev Pat Robinson about his 'pact with Haiti'.

 

 

Dear Pat Robertson,

 

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

 

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

 

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

 

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

 

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

 

Best,

 

Satan

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two women are sitting next to each other on an aeroplane. One is in her twenties, the other in her fifties.

 

The younger woman says to the elder, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help notice that beautiful diamond ring you're wearing. It's just incredible."

 

The older woman replies, "Thank you. This is the famous 'Plotnick Diamond' "

 

"The Plotnick Diamond? I've never heard of it."

 

"Oh yes, it's very famous. The Plotnick Diamond."

 

"Well," says the younger woman, "it really is beautiful. I would give anything to have a diamond like that."

 

"NO! Don't even say that!" exclaims the older woman. "Believe me, darling, you do not want to own this diamond!"

 

"But why not?"

 

"Because there is a terrible curse attached to this diamond, that' why."

 

"A curse?" the younger woman asks.

 

"Yes, a curse. A curse so awful and horrible that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!"

 

"What kind of curse could possibly be so terrible?"

 

The older woman replies, lowering her voice slightly, "Mister Plotnick."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recommendations: 50 A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a

parrot sitting on a little perch, It has a

For Sale sign at £200 for defective Parrot.

 

The guy calls out to the staff, so whats

wrong with the parrot?

 

The parrot says,Hi my names Pete,I was born

without legs, so I am defective

 

Wow!! the guy replies. "You

actually understood and answered me!

 

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I

happen to be a highly intelligent

thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this

-- how do you hang onto your perch

without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very

embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap

my winkle around this wooden perch like a

little hook. You can't see it because of

my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can

understand and speak English can't you?"

 

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and

English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic:

politics, religion, sports, physics,

philosophy. I'm especially good at

ornithology. You really ought to buy me.

I'd be a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

 

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm

defective, so the truth is, no body wants

me cause I don't have any feet. You can

probably get me for £20; just make them

an offer!"

 

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the

parrot.

 

Weeks go by, Pete the parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's

interesting, he's a great pal, he

understands everything, he sympathizes,

and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and

Pete goes, "Psssssssssssst," and

motions him over with one wing. "I don't

know if I should tell you this or not, but

it's about your wife and the postman."

 

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

 

"When the postman delivered the mail

today, your wife greeted him at the door

in a sheer black nightie."

 

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?"

 

"Well, then the postman came into the

house and lifted up her nightie and began

petting her all over," reported the

parrot.

 

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

 

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the

nightie, got down on his knees and began

to kiss her all over....."

 

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT

HAPPENED?"

 

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and

fell off my perch!"

 

 

#

 

 

 

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Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Roundup!!!

I don't fancy going there:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20100107/tuk-steady-hand-for-a-genital-emergency-6323e80.html

"Steel yourself and pipe down, because this might hurt..." ;0)

A simpler solution would have been the application of lots of ice.

That would have reduced the problem to nothing - literally.

I understand that our local hospital has a Susan Boyle DVD which is used for similar emergencies.

 

 

WOW!!!!!

Hooters Calendar 2010

http://i676.photobucket.com/albums/vv130/geekdrop/Smartmom/hooters.png

 

 

Church Mice

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/churchmice.jpg

 

 

 

 

Day 8 of the "Big Freeze"............. ...............and some residents of the small sleepy Sussex village cannot take any more...

 

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/sh_a.jpg

 

 

Igloo for sale

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=190363198105#description

Checkout the Q & A too :-)

 

 

 

Three animal rights protesters made a BIG mistake....

http://www.best-news-site-ever.com/index.php?p=1_115

LMAO!!

 

If Star Wars had Facebook . . .

http://themovieblog.com/2009/12/if-star-wars-had-facebook

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peter Robinson went to the optician complaining that his eyes had been watering since March.

The optician told him it was because there was something stuck in his Iris...

 

 

 

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service monkey, please."The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The engineer paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.

Why did that one cost so much?"

 

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey.

He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes.

He's well worth the money."

 

With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked.

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

 

The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000. Reading that the customer said, "$50,000!!!! Holy smoke, what does this one do?"

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot!"

 

 

 

 

Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.

 

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

 

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand motherly types used to come up

to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

 

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals......

 

 

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

 

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

 

They went for a coffee and pondered the situation.

 

Tiger Woods, who was sitting at the next table, leaned over and said; "It's quite simple, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home."

 

 

 

 

#

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Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Monday, 11 January 2010

Suicide bombers set to strike tomorrow!

 

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by

management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 25,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

 

Speaking from a shed somewhere in the West Midlands , where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that

they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

 

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that...it's too much to swallow".

 

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using explosives from the waist down, in order to express solidarity with

their striking brethren.

 

 

Further talks will be held.....

 



#

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___________________________





Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

Friday, 8 January 2010

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP


FW: Roundup!!!!

8 inches of snow URL

http://tweetphoto.com/8271174

(might offend some)

 

 

 

 

Girls are dime a dozen but an icecream…

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_07_09_27_romario_nm_ru_sva_177.jpg

 

 

 

The count of eggie christo

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_14_11_58_www_inpic_ru_pic_3552_a7747c10.jpg

 

 

 

 

New way of doing captcha codes

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_10_05_11_52_4_bp_blogspot_com__F4yinVt5IS8_R4vY9AEi60I_AAAAAAAACm0_h5HJJRTW7co_s1600_h_funny_captcha_12.jpg

 

 

One place to avoid then

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Q5wa7ttQiZk/Szt30ELO_kI/AAAAAAAAO9k/NHsQJHt3rmk/s400/Vo7f3_Irony_at_its_best-s580x434-31649-580.jpg

 

 

 

 

Found on a bulletin board thread:

 

"Ok here's what you do for real. Get minesweeper, play it exactly 33 times then wait 5 seconds. Ok, then you'll hear an inaudible tone, then wait 5 seconds. Now, play minesweeper 6 more times and it will happen."

 

 

 

 

Sung to 'Send In the Clowns' from A Little Night Music.

 

(Apologies to Sondheim, who won't see this anyway).

 

SEND IN THE PLOWS

 

Isn't it white? Isn't it flat?

The street is somewhere over there, beneath all of that.'Send in the plows'.

 

Don't we get weird, cooped up all day?

Regress 'til we're bored all day, Go out and play!!

But where are the plows? 'Send in the plows'.

 

Just when I'd dug out to the cars,

Finally brushing them off to see which one was ours,

Tried the ignition again, even got it to run, Another foot fell,

Back to square one.

 

I don't mean to bitch, or be unkind.

But cross-country skiers on motorways are out of their minds!

Call for the plows. How can they plow a street they can't find?

 

Isn't it white? Isn't it bleak?

Home on the computer today, one more net-geek.

And where are the plows? There ought to be plows,

'send in the plows'.

 

Well, maybe next week??.         

 

 

Hi, I'm from the Government. If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see the solutions.

 

 

 

This maths test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.  Try it without looking at the answers.  It works! 
  
  
Pick a number from 1 - 9. 
  
Multiply by 3. 
  
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again. 
  
You will get your answer by adding the  two digits together to find your all time favourite movie. 
 
Good Luck 
  


 

It is: 
  
1.   Gone with the wind. 
  
2.   Aliens. 
  
3.   Oliver 
  
4.   Star Wars 
  
5.   Forrest Gump. 
  
6.   Saving Private Ryan. 
  
7.   Jaws. 
  
8.   Grease. 
  
9.   The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad rent boys. 
  
10.   Mary Poppins.

 

 

 

How come, when my wife says "we need to talk," it's never about football?

 

 

 

 

#

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Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

FW: Why men don't write advice columns......

 

 

 

 

 



www.FunAndFunOnly.org

 

 

 

 

__._,_.___
FFFFFFFFF
FF
#

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FFFFFFF
FF
FF
FF

UU     UU
UU     UU
UU     UU  & Fun Only - A Group For Friends !!!!!
UU     UU
   UUUU

NN      NN
NN N   NN
NN  N  NN
NN   N NN
NN      NN

.

 

 



Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP

FW: Roundup!!!!

 

8 inches of snow URL

http://tweetphoto.com/8271174

(might offend some)

 

 

 

 

Girls are dime a dozen but an icecream…

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_07_09_27_romario_nm_ru_sva_177.jpg

 

 

 

The count of eggie christo

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_09_14_11_58_www_inpic_ru_pic_3552_a7747c10.jpg

 

 

 

 

New way of doing captcha codes

http://data.dump.iof.ru/data/2009_10_05_11_52_4_bp_blogspot_com__F4yinVt5IS8_R4vY9AEi60I_AAAAAAAACm0_h5HJJRTW7co_s1600_h_funny_captcha_12.jpg

 

 

One place to avoid then

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Q5wa7ttQiZk/Szt30ELO_kI/AAAAAAAAO9k/NHsQJHt3rmk/s400/Vo7f3_Irony_at_its_best-s580x434-31649-580.jpg

 

 

 

 

Found on a bulletin board thread:

 

"Ok here's what you do for real. Get minesweeper, play it exactly 33 times then wait 5 seconds. Ok, then you'll hear an inaudible tone, then wait 5 seconds. Now, play minesweeper 6 more times and it will happen."

 

 

 

 

Sung to 'Send In the Clowns' from A Little Night Music.

 

(Apologies to Sondheim, who won't see this anyway).

 

SEND IN THE PLOWS

 

Isn't it white? Isn't it flat?

The street is somewhere over there, beneath all of that.'Send in the plows'.

 

Don't we get weird, cooped up all day?

Regress 'til we're bored all day, Go out and play!!

But where are the plows? 'Send in the plows'.

 

Just when I'd dug out to the cars,

Finally brushing them off to see which one was ours,

Tried the ignition again, even got it to run, Another foot fell,

Back to square one.

 

I don't mean to bitch, or be unkind.

But cross-country skiers on motorways are out of their minds!

Call for the plows. How can they plow a street they can't find?

 

Isn't it white? Isn't it bleak?

Home on the computer today, one more net-geek.

And where are the plows? There ought to be plows,

'send in the plows'.

 

Well, maybe next week??.         

 

 

Hi, I'm from the Government. If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see the solutions.

 

 

 

This maths test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.  Try it without looking at the answers.  It works! 
  
  
Pick a number from 1 - 9. 
  
Multiply by 3. 
  
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again. 
  
You will get your answer by adding the  two digits together to find your all time favourite movie. 
 
Good Luck 
  


 

It is: 
  
1.   Gone with the wind. 
  
2.   Aliens. 
  
3.   Oliver 
  
4.   Star Wars 
  
5.   Forrest Gump. 
  
6.   Saving Private Ryan. 
  
7.   Jaws. 
  
8.   Grease. 
  
9.   The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad rent boys. 
  
10.   Mary Poppins.

 

 

 

How come, when my wife says "we need to talk," it's never about football?

 

 

 

 

#

Roundup!!!

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SUBSCRIBE

roundup-subscribe@suncreative.co.uk

 

Do you really need to print this email?

Save trees - Eat a beaver.

 



Sun Creative Group Limited. Registered in England Company Number: 5050538
Registered Address: 138 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey KT8 0HP