Saturday, 20 December 2008

Winnie the POOH!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008


Friday, 12 December 2008


Thursday, 11 December 2008

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Monday, 8 December 2008


Back during the 1929 Financial Crash it was said that some Wall Street Stockbrokers and Bankers JUMPED from their office windows and committed suicide when confronted with the news of their firms' and clients' financial ruin. Many people were said to almost feel a little sorry for them.  
In 2008 the attitude has changed somewhat


Saturday, 6 December 2008


Ladies! Advice for you...



How you know... ...your dog needs "sensitivity training"




Some guys are baffled over how to do an oil change on their car. This video should help...





One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' 
So he tied her up and went golfing.




I'm not getting 'er indoors anything this year. I got her one of those vacuum cleaners last year and all its done is gather dust.






When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.


She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers.


Job done!



Swapped my wife’s chapstick for a pritt stick last Friday and had a very peaceful weekend.





Did you hear the price of lamb in wales has just gone up?


It's now £4.95 per hour.





My acting career started and ended at school when I misunderstood the cue for "Enter Lady MacBeth from the rear".

I got such a shock but not as big one as the lad who was playing her.





I knew a man who was into bestiality, necrophilia and flagellation.

I told him, “Your flogging a dead horse”



I knew an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.

He used to lie in bed all night wondering if there was a Dog








A few weeks ago it was "Sack everyone at the BBC" because of Sachs-gate. Then it was "Sack everyone in Haringsey because of Baby P. Now it's "Sack the Strictly Come Dancing Judges" because of John Sergeant.


And then people wonder why unemployment figures are rising again!





A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.


"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"


Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.


"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."


"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."


"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"


The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."


"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"






Somali Pirates are in Discussions to Acquire RBS. November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of RBS. The pirates would buy RBS with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to £0.10 per share for the bank, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. 


The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said. ``You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything," said Ali. The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.



Man goes to the doctors with a hearing problem, doctor says, can you describe the symptoms?



Man says, Homer's a fat keyunt and Marge has blue hair...........







Artistic: Gay, with painting by numbers hanging above the fireplace.


Average: 5ft 1in weakling with cheap suit and novelty tie.


Computer Literate: Into internet porn.


Creative: Gay, but keen to experiment.


Cuddly: 19 stones of spot-covered blubber.


Demanding: Spoilt brat.


Experienced: “Merchant Banker”


For friendship: Axe murderer.


For Occasional Meetings: Married.


Intellectual: Once had a reader’s letter published in Penthouse.


Into photography: Pervert, pure & simple.


Masculine: Covered in thick black hair from head to toe as a result of hormone treatment in his teens when his testicles failed to drop.


No ties: Vagrant.


Rugged: As in “masculine” but with a few teeth missing.


Sensitive: Liar


Shy: 2 inch willy.


Sporty: Spends Saturday’s on the terracing at a football match, drinking Special Brew from a can while someone urinates down the back of his trousers.


“To meet on my return from abroad.”: In jail


Wealthy: Wants kinky sex but willing to pay for it.


Don't ever question the bravery of soldiers again!

Wednesday, 3 December 2008


Are you expecting a heart wrenching story about a cat that got run over by a truck, lost a leg, dragged himself 100 kilometers after being bitten by a snake??? 


W R O N G !!!!!!!..........  

He finally did it......



Recommendations: 27 Gordon Brown will today gamble on you buying things you don't need because they are slightly cheaper, and then believing that rich people are going to pay for it all.

The government is expected to cut the price of novelty smoothie makers from £24.99 to £24.36 while at the same time increasing income tax for the hoity-toity chairman of the company that produces novelty smoothie makers.





MFI are having a closing down sale this weekend.


Have they never heard of the boy who cried wolf.



I was in a restraunt last night and got into a fight with one of the waiters


He threw a prawn cocktail at me


And that was only for starters





When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.


She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers.


Job done!




On my divorce we split the house,


I got the outside.




Two men at a party and one says to the other "So what do you do for a living?" 


"I'm a plastic surgeon," says the other. "I tuck up features!" 


"Thats a coincidence!" says the first man, "because I'm an OFSTED inspector."






I went to a German Restaurant the other day. Not a pleasant experience.


The starter was saurkraut, and it was bloody awful.


But the wurst was yet to come.






  As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
  we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
  Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
  thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
  Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
  fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
  This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged 
  Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
  outside the company.
  SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
  actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
  called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
  All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
  upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher
  Authority Following Termination).
  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
  SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
  If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
  H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
  CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
  As H.E.RP.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee 
  has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or 
  by the company.
  Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board 
  the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
  Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
  We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
  given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
  employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
  immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure 
  receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
  And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
  The Management








A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a stutter.


"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.


Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui.."


Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th................."


"Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.


"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman.


"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.


And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th..........."


"Look" says the beautiful landlady, "who loves a bet? If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"


Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman.


"Where do you live then boyo?"


"C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ."


"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,


"Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.


"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."


"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.


"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.


"London" blurts out the Irishman.


"Oh no!" says the landlady.


A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.


Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out..


".......D D D Derry!!"




Dear Friend  
  As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails  
you have forwarded to me over the past year.  
  I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on  
envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.  
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in  
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000  
that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email  
programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million  
dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died  
And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for  
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and  
make a wish within five minutes.  
I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial  
killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.  
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll  
get a  
phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .  
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under  
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.  
I can't even pick up the five bucks I found dropped in the car park because it was  
probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.  
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large  
pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels  
will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.  
I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's  
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning  
By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study,  
discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough s*x, always read their emails  
while holding the mouse.  
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.  
  Your friend  

Don't complain about your job.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Repeat After Me


I'm never drinking again.

I'm never drinking again.?

I'm never drinking again.

I'm never drinking again.


Tax Disc Holder


TOP TEN Crosswind and Scary Aircraft Landings




Not strictly speaking a joke, but have a look at the review of this pub written “pgazz” – about half the way down the page and dated 18th August 2008.



Take a look at the attached picture of a typical back garden melon patch. If you concentrate on the centre of a picture, after about 30 secs, you should see the image of a girl appear:

Remarkable isn't it?



All because the lady loves.....






It's time to stamp out atheists in America.

A reader voices strong opinion on atheists...

A convincing argument if ever I heard one!



According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog...




"Would anyone else like to see hostages in videos being a bit cheekier? Someguy who's about to get his head chopped off with a sword turning around going: ‘Short back and sides please, big man!'"


"You see Amy Winehouse in the papers? She looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses. She got done for assault. Kicked out at some guy that tried to put a saddle on her."


"One of the side effects of the smoking ban in Scotland is that every pub has tables and chairs outside. Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war."


"Did anyone see that thing where Jordan came out and said she's only had 10 lovers? Did anyone else think she just ran out of fingers?"




They say that the average male has sex 2580 times during their life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197.




I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, "Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!"


I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

"What did you call it?" I asked.


"It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!" he said,


... and so it did,


A F R I C A N Elephant.






A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. 

She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. 

She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”







I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you at this time of year. It was to me. 


The imagery, the phrasing, it is truly magnificent.









a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre 





Bugger me sideways

It's cold.









The anti terrorist squad are looking into claims that some tins of Alphabeti Spaghetti have been tampered with and that explosive devices could have been placed in them, a spokesman has said "If one of these tins were to explode it could spell disaster".




The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed

into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.


He climbed down from his truck and looked at the wreckage, not quite

sure what to do. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and

unloaded a crew of workers.


The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread

some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces

together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth

reconstructed and good as new.


"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that

white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"


The crew chief said, ........


Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Monday, 17 November 2008



By chance is anyone interested in a dog ?

Hi ! I need a favour 

Our neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids. 

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the dog (see below). 

Saturday, 15 November 2008




Where Can I Get One?





I loved this e-mail about a guy trying to talk his way out of debt:




Yet Another Personal Data Blunder (URL)





A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”









He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. 


He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole. 


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 


The guy says "No, what?" 


The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" 


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." 


He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. 


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. 

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. 


While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. 


He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. 


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. 


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 


"No, what?" replies the guy. 


"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. 


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. 


"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."




Two gents go to London to donate sperm. 


It was a disaster! Jim missed the tube & Fred came on the bus!!






This Brummy goes for a job interview. 


He turns up wearing a orange polyester shirt, platform shoes and a pinstripe suit with massive flared trousers.


The interviewer says to him, "Blimey! All you need now is a Kipper Tie!"


The brummie replies, "Yes please, two sugars."



Brummie meets his mate coming back from day's fishing at the local canal.


"Yow ketch anything?" he asks


"Arrrr! I caught a whale!" comes the reply.


"Coblers! Yow cort ketch a whale in the cut!"


"I did!" he said "But it day ave no tyre on it."



An explorer is hacking his way through the African jungle when he comes across a clearing, littered with the bones and rotting flesh of dead elephants. Amazed that he had found the mythical elephant' graveyard, he pauses for a while to take in the view when he hears a voice.


"Bluddy 'ell. I cort believe ov endid up eya!"


Startled by the vice, the explorer looks cross the clearing and sees the source of the voice, a very ropey looking elephant, obviously on his last legs.


"Wot yow lookin' at?" asks the elephant


Feeling a little embarrassed to be conversing with a pachyderm the explorer asks.


"Excuse me, are you a talking elephant?"


"Arrr!" comes the reply. "Wim ever so rare y'know!"


"And is that a Brummie accent you have."


"Arrr!" he says "Oim frum Dudlay Zoo!"


Totally bewildered now, the explorer looks around at the elephant carcasses and then at the sickly looking elephant.


"Did you come here to die?" he asks.



To which the elephant replies......


"No. I come here yesterday!"




On my way home from work I stopped off at the BP station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.

So I put the air in and went inside to pay.

The cashier said to me "£2 please".

"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!"

"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".







Irregular verbs

I'm curious you're inquisitive s/he's gullible

I'm consistent you're in a rut s/he's inflexible

I'm flexible you're inconsistent s/he's unpredictable

I'm persistent you're stubborn s/he's obsessed



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation

- Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be sh*tting herself

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: 'What's my favourite flower?' And you murmur to yourself: 'Sh1t, I wasn't listening ... was it self-raising?'

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time

-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: 'I'd like a job please'. The hardware store owner says: 'We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?' The dog replies: 'What would the circus want with a plumber'

- Steven Alan Green at C34


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.














A Golfer got up early, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed his clubs, slipped into the garage, loaded his clubs into the car and proceeded into torrential rain towards the golf course.


The rain was mixed with sleet and the wind was 50 mph. So he returned to the garage, turned on the radio and discovered the weather would be bad throughout the day.


He went back into the house and quietly undressed, slipping back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife and whispered, "The weather outside is absolutely terrible."


Sleepily, she replied, "I know, can you believe my husband went out golfing in that."

Wednesday, 5 November 2008


Not strictly a joke - just a challenge!



Finally America has come to terms with its past and elected a black President. A spokesman for the new administration was quoted as saying, "He's made his owners very proud."





About a month before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother covered his back with lard.


He went downhill pretty quickly after that!




Happy & Sad 


A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said... 


"Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."


She said .. 


"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."





Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.


They spent the entire film going through the fridge labeling everything..




An elderly couple went on a world cruise. They hadn't been on the

liner very long when the old man's prostate demanded that he visited

the Gents. To his dismay he found the cubicle doors were coin operated

and he had no change on him. Just then a steward came by, "Excuse me,

steward," the old man called out, "I find myself caught short without

any change. It is a matter of some urgency so could you possibly

unlock the door and I will pay you later?"

The rather haughty steward replied, "I regret, sir, this is the Cunard

Line not the P&O."




Jonathan Ross says he is leaving the BBC "without rancour".


That's funny, I thought he was taking Russell Brand with him.






Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?


A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart

will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of

your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?


A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat

chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of

vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?


A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that

means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the

goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?


A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If

you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise



A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?


A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad

for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the



A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should

only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?


A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best

feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?


A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?


A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

food and diets.


And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in

sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly

used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'





An impression of an extractor fan...


"I used to like tractors."






What do cannibals spread on their toast? 


I Can't Believe It's Not Buttocks



Friday, 31 October 2008

Happy Halloween!!

You've been Mooned!!


Thursday, 30 October 2008

Tuesday, 21 October 2008


Breast Feeding

Howard in Dragon's Den

London 2008

When its time to hang up the thong!

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've calledin the retrievers.

Palin as president (URL) your mouse around the Oval Office, some things just need hovering over, others need a click - and some things work differently when you click a second or third time. (some audio)

Listen up." Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your dicks and hand them to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you dicks back."After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick." he said "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there."Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet.""Shit." and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?""Look." said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT."

2 doctors just had sex together , he said to her" u must be a surgeon , u washed ur hands before and after " ! she replied " u must be a anethastist , cause i never felt a thing !"

COMING SOON 2 UR TV: As a result
of the growing number of foreigners coming2the UK we now have
'The immigrant channel'
with these great shows:
Currynation Street,
Middle Eastenders,
Britain's Got Talibans,
You've Been Bombed,
Big Buddah,
Postman Pak,
I'm A Immigrant Get Me Into Here,
Black Peter,
and for our Israeli friends, Scooby Jew.

The uk blind football team that use a ball with bells inside for detection have been withdrawn from the forthcoming para olympics after a morris dancer was brutally kicked to death at their training ground.

A blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic, "Nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter." She replies "Brilliant, how often do i have to do that?''

Paddy was driving home pissed. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A police car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the tree in the road. The cop says 'For fuck sake Paddy, thats your air freshner.'

Married couple in their sixtys are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. I want to travel around the world with my husband said the wife..2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand... Husband says_sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.. So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92... Moral of the story; men who are ungrateful bastards should remember_ fairies are fuckin female!

Man in hospital with 60% burns.
Dr.says "give him 2 Viagras".
Nurse asks "do u think that'll help?"
Dr replies "no but it'll keep the sheets off his legs".

Tom Cruise's Film Career

Tom Cruise plays a cocktail waiter. Quite a good cocktail waiter. Then he has a crisis of confidence and can’t be a cocktail waiter anymore. He meets a woman who gives him his confidence back and he becomes a pretty good cocktail waiter again.Tom Cruise plays a racing car driver. Quite a good racing car driver. Then he has a crisis of confidence and can’t be a racing car driver anymore. He meets a woman who gives him his confidence back and he becomes a pretty good racing car driver again.Tom Cruise plays fighter pilot. Quite a good fighter pilot. Then he has a crisis of confidence and can’t be a fighter pilot anymore. He meets a woman who gives him his confidence back and he becomes a pretty good fighter pilot again.Spot the pattern yet…..?

WALKING ON WATERBubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.So, when Bubba’s 21st birday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Bubba stepped out of the boat….and nearly drowned!! Jim Bob just barely managed top pull him to safety.Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “It’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?”Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen. You were born in July, you dumbass!”

And then the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too' And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Monday, 20 October 2008

Friday, 17 October 2008

Monday, 13 October 2008

Team spirit


What does a blonde do to hide a picture that she accidentally installed as a background on her computer and doesn'tknow how to delete?


Foreign Call Centres
Don't they just annoy you.

Ninja Cat [URL]

Icesave..... what they called the account.So why are people surprised that their funds have been frozen?

What's the capital of Iceland?Currently about £4.50!

Brown stood on the burning deck,His buttocks to the mast,He dare not move a f—ing inch,’till mandelson walked past,Now Peter, he was wily,He threw old Gord a fritter,when he bent down to pick it up,

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eveand says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that yourmother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so youcall your sister in Leeds and tell her.'Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' hesays,'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Another bailout..... game of Monopoly being played by the Henderson family of Watford took a surprise twist today when the Bank of England stepped in with a rescue package to save one of the key players, Mr Henderson, from what the Chancellor described as ‘almost certain bankruptcy.'...In an emergency statement to the House of Commons, Gordon Brown gave his backing to the rescue package, warning that there was simply no option. ‘If we allow Mr Henderson to go bankrupt, others will follow, and in time there will only be one winner.’ Ignoring cries of ‘Isn’t that the whole point?’ the Prime Minister went on to reveal that as a condition of the loan, players would have to show more responsibility in future. ‘There will be no more of this paying yourself £200 just for passing Go. Players have to learn that there is no such thing as a Get Out Of Jail Free Card… Oh hang on what’s this?’

the French make the best loversbut the Japanese make them smaller and cheaper

Women are Like...1...the stock market.They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful. 2...computers.They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one. 3...Film Wrap.Useful but clingy. 4...horses.Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after. 5...parking meters.If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences. 6...fax machines.Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights. 7...political campaign contributors If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them. 8...refrigerators.They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one. jeans.They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced. western songs.They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

Model Sues

Model sues Mexican plastic surgeon for not making her nipples even after a breast implant!!

The doctor said, "They looked good to me!"

Monday, 6 October 2008

Keep waiting lists down


Thursday, 2 October 2008

Here's a legal question

Is this statutory rape?

Tuesday, 30 September 2008


I was away last week. But thought I’d do a bit of campaigning myself while in the states. Give Obama and McCain a run for their money

Abu Hamza first up against the wall

Montana State Trooper

My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it !The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."The villagers hurried round with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only bloody monkeys everywhere!Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Hosting last night's venture capital awards dinner, BBC newsreader Emily Maitlis commented that given the ongoing consolidation in the travel sector she wouldn't be surprised to see a deal between Cunard and Aer Lingus, but she "wasn't sure what the new company would be called"!

Microsoft's latest multi-million dollar ad campaign is based around the theme "Life Without Walls." if you've got no walls, why would you want windows?

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

Dear American:I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. You may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.Yours FaithfullyMinister of Treasury Paulson

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems?Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.Also, my wife became mother -in-law of her father-in-law."Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother."This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!

The current banking situation explained in a nutshell.Pat and Mick live in adjacent villages in an unnamed country. Pat acquiresan old car and sells it to Mick for £ 50. The following week Mick sells itback to Pat for £ 100. The next week Pat returns the favour for £ 150 andtheir transactions keep going until Pat sells it to a stranger for £ 1,000. Mick's gets very upset and complains "Why did you do that? We were making a good living out of that car".

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that ;and think I've been in a whorehouse,'The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Friday, 19 September 2008


[URL]New Lloyds logo

Investing Advice from Matt [URL]

Shut it! your cornflakes quietly and go to work, or your new cardboard box, anyway..........

Corn Flakes

Definition of an Optimist
An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.

Retailers say there could be a shortage of fireworks for Bonfire Night because Chinese manufacturers used so many for the Beijing Olympics.In fact there are worries there will be none left at all for November 5th if Gordon Brown resigns before then.

Inflation rates are up, banks are bankrupt and holiday firms going bust. I think this government has seriously misunderstood the promise to Make Poverty History.

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce.. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said "Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody."The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose. "Your Honour, if I put a coin in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it; the machines or mine?"

I was invited to the premature ejaculation society dinner.when i contacted them about dress code the girl on the phone said just come in your pants.

What's the difference between Tottenham Hotspur and a cocktail stick?A cocktail stick has 2 points.

Hugh Hefner is breaking up with his 28-year-old girlfriend.Strange couple: elderly man in his robe and pajamas and a hot, youngbabe... oh, wait - that's the Republican ticket.............

Banning shorts selling isn't going to do much for the economy. With summer over I cant see what the problem is, but I'm glad I dont have any JJB Sports shares.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Golf joke!

First Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy: 'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to pla y the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

How a REAL man uses a Post-It note...

Tuesday, 16 September 2008


"Darling. That young banker next door wants to know if we'd like to buy a copy of 'Big Issue?"

Friday, 12 September 2008


That CERN thing explained (URL) explains all you need to know about the Hadron collider thing at CERN

............A DUCK!!!!!!!!!!! me, I always thought it was just a figure of speech...

All they found was the Camera.....

A particle physicist is caught speeding on the Swiss French border."Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the gendarme."No, but I know where I am"

Man goes into a post office in a tiny village down in deepest Devon and says to the buxom young wench behind the counter."Excuse me, do you keep stationery?""Oh yes sirr, roight up till the larst minute then I go absolutely WOILD! "

On Winning a competition at school to meet the Queen young Johnny was over the moon.He set off to London with his dad and got to Buckingham palace, there was a sign on the gates that said the queen would be seeing people at 11:00am and 2pm.

They decided to go at 11:00 am so they could go and see a bit of London after.Whilst waiting in the queue Johnny proudly wearing his new Rangers shirt, noticed a young lad wearing a Celtic Top! To his horror when the queen came out to see the visitors she made straight for the lad in the Celtic top.

Johnny was so distraught he immediately left the line and ran to his dad in floods of tears, and told him what had happened!'Don't worry said his dad, we'll go and buy a Celtic top and we can come back at 2:00, Johnny was a little hesitant but really wanted to visit the queen so off they went.

Come 2:00 Johnny is standing waiting outside the palace when the queen appears, to his delight the queen without hesitation came straight over to Johnny bent down and whispered in his ear'I thought I told you to f*** off'

Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and givesbirth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when theyhear the news - they know of no-one who has had triplets before.As soon as she hears the news, Miriam's mother-in-law Fay goes tovisit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fayhands over the bunch of grapes and says, "What a surprise, Miriam.No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, let alonetriplets.""Yes, it was a bit of a shock," replies Miriam, "but I'm getting over it.By the way, my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once everyhundred thousand times.""Oy vey, Miriam," says Fay, "how on earth did you find the time to doyour housework?"s

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott wasshot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

This is allegedly the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents, to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their, children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester, and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:To lie about why your child is absent -
Press 1To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -
Press 2To complain about what we do -
Press 3To swear at staff members -
Press 4To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -
Press 5If you want us to raise your child -
Press 6If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -
Press 7To request another teacher, for the third time this year -
Press 8To complain about bus transportation -
Press 9To complain about school lunches -
Press 0If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and Responsible for his/her own Behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice Day!If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

With the imminent destruction of the world when they switch on the LCH, I thought I'd recycle this one.-----The EU have decided that from today the following warning labels will appear in future on all products offered for sale:
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

All they found was the Camera.....

............A DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Silly me, I always thought it was just a figure of speech...

Quiz for 2012 Olimpic Games Tickets

See Picture below and Answer the following questions to win tickets to the Olympic games.
1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2.. Which ones are male twins?
3.. Which ones are the female twins?
4.. How many women are in the group?
5.. Which one is the teacher?
6.. Which two just finished a joint?

Friday, 5 September 2008

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Monday, 1 September 2008

Roundup !!!

Note to Webmasters...before advertising your work, make sure you close down stuff that you don't want others to see before taking screenshots the IE labels on the taskbar....

Beer Goggles

Darth Vader calls the Emperor

Am I alone in thinking this picture advertising the above is more than a little, erm, dubious?

I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''

I think my favourites are 'Planet of the Grapes' Wine Store and William the Concreter. :-)))

In his speech last week, Barack Obama said that "God loves America".Well, God may love America, but he really hates New Orleans.

Friendship among Women:A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.Friendship among Men:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed he had slept over and two said he was still there.

Picture the scene . . you come home from work and the door is opened by your woman who's wearing nothing apart from one of your shirts. Her long legs disappear invitingly up into the shirt and she walks slowly up the stairs, beckoning you with her finger and a 'come hither' look in her eye.Isn't it great how a woman wearing a man's shirt can be so sexy. Of course, if it's the other way around and she comes home and finds you wearing one of her frocks, things don't run quite so smoothly.

Job Descriptions

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Concerned that people weren't washing their hands after using the toilet, our boss put up a sign over the sink in the gents bearing just one word: "Think".The next day, someone had put another sign over the soap dispenser which read: "Thoap".

A Bottle-nosed dolphin captured off Tokyo last month has an extra set of fins that could be the remains of hind legs. Japanese Scientists described the find as a breakthrough; a delicious, delicious breakthrough.

Sunday, 31 August 2008