Howard in Dragon's Den
When its time to hang up the thong!
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've calledin the retrievers.
Palin as president (URL)
http://www.palinaspresident.us/Move your mouse around the Oval Office, some things just need hovering over, others need a click - and some things work differently when you click a second or third time. (some audio)
Listen up." Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your dicks and hand them to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you dicks back."After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick." he said "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there."Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet.""Shit." and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?""Look." said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT."
2 doctors just had sex together , he said to her" u must be a surgeon , u washed ur hands before and after " ! she replied " u must be a anethastist , cause i never felt a thing !"
COMING SOON 2 UR TV: As a result
of the growing number of foreigners coming2the UK we now have
'The immigrant channel'
with these great shows:
Britain's Got Talibans,
You've Been Bombed,
I'm A Immigrant Get Me Into Here,
and for our Israeli friends, Scooby Jew.
The uk blind football team that use a ball with bells inside for detection have been withdrawn from the forthcoming para olympics after a morris dancer was brutally kicked to death at their training ground.
A blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic, "Nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter." She replies "Brilliant, how often do i have to do that?''
Paddy was driving home pissed. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A police car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the tree in the road. The cop says 'For fuck sake Paddy, thats your air freshner.'
Married couple in their sixtys are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. I want to travel around the world with my husband said the wife..2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand... Husband says_sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.. So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92... Moral of the story; men who are ungrateful bastards should remember_ fairies are fuckin female!
Man in hospital with 60% burns.
Dr.says "give him 2 Viagras".
Nurse asks "do u think that'll help?"
Dr replies "no but it'll keep the sheets off his legs".
Tom Cruise's Film Career
Tom Cruise plays a cocktail waiter. Quite a good cocktail waiter. Then he has a crisis of confidence and can’t be a cocktail waiter anymore. He meets a woman who gives him his confidence back and he becomes a pretty good cocktail waiter again.Tom Cruise plays a racing car driver. Quite a good racing car driver. Then he has a crisis of confidence and can’t be a racing car driver anymore. He meets a woman who gives him his confidence back and he becomes a pretty good racing car driver again.Tom Cruise plays fighter pilot. Quite a good fighter pilot. Then he has a crisis of confidence and can’t be a fighter pilot anymore. He meets a woman who gives him his confidence back and he becomes a pretty good fighter pilot again.Spot the pattern yet…..?
WALKING ON WATERBubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.So, when Bubba’s 21st birday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Bubba stepped out of the boat….and nearly drowned!! Jim Bob just barely managed top pull him to safety.Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “It’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?”Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen. You were born in July, you dumbass!”
And then the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too' And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'