Tuesday, 30 September 2008


I was away last week. But thought I’d do a bit of campaigning myself while in the states. Give Obama and McCain a run for their money


Abu Hamza first up against the wall

Montana State Trooper

My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it !The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."The villagers hurried round with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only bloody monkeys everywhere!Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Hosting last night's venture capital awards dinner, BBC newsreader Emily Maitlis commented that given the ongoing consolidation in the travel sector she wouldn't be surprised to see a deal between Cunard and Aer Lingus, but she "wasn't sure what the new company would be called"!

Microsoft's latest multi-million dollar ad campaign is based around the theme "Life Without Walls."http://lifewithoutwalls.com/So if you've got no walls, why would you want windows?

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

Dear American:I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. You may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.Yours FaithfullyMinister of Treasury Paulson

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems?Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.Also, my wife became mother -in-law of her father-in-law."Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother."This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!

The current banking situation explained in a nutshell.Pat and Mick live in adjacent villages in an unnamed country. Pat acquiresan old car and sells it to Mick for £ 50. The following week Mick sells itback to Pat for £ 100. The next week Pat returns the favour for £ 150 andtheir transactions keep going until Pat sells it to a stranger for £ 1,000. Mick's gets very upset and complains "Why did you do that? We were making a good living out of that car".

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that ;and think I've been in a whorehouse,'The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Friday, 19 September 2008


[URL]New Lloyds logo

Investing Advice from Matt [URL]


Shut it!
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/everyone-making-e...Eat your cornflakes quietly and go to work, or your new cardboard box, anyway..........

Corn Flakes

Definition of an Optimist
An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.

Retailers say there could be a shortage of fireworks for Bonfire Night because Chinese manufacturers used so many for the Beijing Olympics.In fact there are worries there will be none left at all for November 5th if Gordon Brown resigns before then.

Inflation rates are up, banks are bankrupt and holiday firms going bust. I think this government has seriously misunderstood the promise to Make Poverty History.

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce.. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said "Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody."The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defence?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose. "Your Honour, if I put a coin in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it; the machines or mine?"

I was invited to the premature ejaculation society dinner.when i contacted them about dress code the girl on the phone said just come in your pants.

What's the difference between Tottenham Hotspur and a cocktail stick?A cocktail stick has 2 points.

Hugh Hefner is breaking up with his 28-year-old girlfriend.Strange couple: elderly man in his robe and pajamas and a hot, youngbabe... oh, wait - that's the Republican ticket.............

Banning shorts selling isn't going to do much for the economy. With summer over I cant see what the problem is, but I'm glad I dont have any JJB Sports shares.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Golf joke!

First Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy: 'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to pla y the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

How a REAL man uses a Post-It note...

Tuesday, 16 September 2008


"Darling. That young banker next door wants to know if we'd like to buy a copy of 'Big Issue?"

Friday, 12 September 2008


That CERN thing explained (URL)
http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-files/Guardian/documents/200... explains all you need to know about the Hadron collider thing at CERN

............A DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZhZR6vudTng/SMbmVcGGs3I/AAAAAAAAAI...Silly me, I always thought it was just a figure of speech...

All they found was the Camera.....

A particle physicist is caught speeding on the Swiss French border."Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the gendarme."No, but I know where I am"

Man goes into a post office in a tiny village down in deepest Devon and says to the buxom young wench behind the counter."Excuse me, do you keep stationery?""Oh yes sirr, roight up till the larst minute then I go absolutely WOILD! "

On Winning a competition at school to meet the Queen young Johnny was over the moon.He set off to London with his dad and got to Buckingham palace, there was a sign on the gates that said the queen would be seeing people at 11:00am and 2pm.

They decided to go at 11:00 am so they could go and see a bit of London after.Whilst waiting in the queue Johnny proudly wearing his new Rangers shirt, noticed a young lad wearing a Celtic Top! To his horror when the queen came out to see the visitors she made straight for the lad in the Celtic top.

Johnny was so distraught he immediately left the line and ran to his dad in floods of tears, and told him what had happened!'Don't worry said his dad, we'll go and buy a Celtic top and we can come back at 2:00, Johnny was a little hesitant but really wanted to visit the queen so off they went.

Come 2:00 Johnny is standing waiting outside the palace when the queen appears, to his delight the queen without hesitation came straight over to Johnny bent down and whispered in his ear'I thought I told you to f*** off'

Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and givesbirth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when theyhear the news - they know of no-one who has had triplets before.As soon as she hears the news, Miriam's mother-in-law Fay goes tovisit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fayhands over the bunch of grapes and says, "What a surprise, Miriam.No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, let alonetriplets.""Yes, it was a bit of a shock," replies Miriam, "but I'm getting over it.By the way, my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once everyhundred thousand times.""Oy vey, Miriam," says Fay, "how on earth did you find the time to doyour housework?"s

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott wasshot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

This is allegedly the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents, to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their, children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester, and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:To lie about why your child is absent -
Press 1To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -
Press 2To complain about what we do -
Press 3To swear at staff members -
Press 4To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -
Press 5If you want us to raise your child -
Press 6If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -
Press 7To request another teacher, for the third time this year -
Press 8To complain about bus transportation -
Press 9To complain about school lunches -
Press 0If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and Responsible for his/her own Behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice Day!If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

With the imminent destruction of the world when they switch on the LCH, I thought I'd recycle this one.-----The EU have decided that from today the following warning labels will appear in future on all products offered for sale:
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

All they found was the Camera.....

............A DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

Silly me, I always thought it was just a figure of speech...

Quiz for 2012 Olimpic Games Tickets

See Picture below and Answer the following questions to win tickets to the Olympic games.
1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2.. Which ones are male twins?
3.. Which ones are the female twins?
4.. How many women are in the group?
5.. Which one is the teacher?
6.. Which two just finished a joint?

Friday, 5 September 2008

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Monday, 1 September 2008

Roundup !!!

Note to Webmasters...before advertising your work, make sure you close down stuff that you don't want others to see before taking screenshotshttp://www.orangelabel.com/icons.htmCheck the IE labels on the taskbar....

Beer Goggles

Darth Vader calls the Emperor

Am I alone in thinking this picture advertising the above is more than a little, erm, dubious?http://www.visitsoutheastengland.com/site/things-to-do/ports...

I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday. She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''

I think my favourites are 'Planet of the Grapes' Wine Store and William the Concreter. :-)))http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/06/the-50-best-pun-stores...

In his speech last week, Barack Obama said that "God loves America".Well, God may love America, but he really hates New Orleans.

Friendship among Women:A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.Friendship among Men:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed he had slept over and two said he was still there.

Picture the scene . . you come home from work and the door is opened by your woman who's wearing nothing apart from one of your shirts. Her long legs disappear invitingly up into the shirt and she walks slowly up the stairs, beckoning you with her finger and a 'come hither' look in her eye.Isn't it great how a woman wearing a man's shirt can be so sexy. Of course, if it's the other way around and she comes home and finds you wearing one of her frocks, things don't run quite so smoothly.

Job Descriptions

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Concerned that people weren't washing their hands after using the toilet, our boss put up a sign over the sink in the gents bearing just one word: "Think".The next day, someone had put another sign over the soap dispenser which read: "Thoap".

A Bottle-nosed dolphin captured off Tokyo last month has an extra set of fins that could be the remains of hind legs. Japanese Scientists described the find as a breakthrough; a delicious, delicious breakthrough.