Friday, 20 January 2012



Light-hearted gadget relief.



Anagram Tube Map



Street Some fantastic stuff here!!!



Scottish referendum question



Holiday Advert Placement...



Screen Capture of the Year Award 

I think we have a winner . . . .




A man phones an airfix model shop an says 
"have u got a model of an italian cruise liner?" "yes" replies the owner. 
"thats great" says the man "can u put it to one side for me?"




I completed a magazine quiz entitled "How straight or gay are you?"
I carefully considered each answer and then turned to the back to check my score.
It said "Straight guys don't do magazine quizzes."





"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.





I got burgled last night, but all they took were Mars bars, Kit Kat's and Bountys. 
The Police reckon it could have been snackheads...





A policeman knocked on my door this morning.
He said, "Where were you between 9pm and 9:30pm last night?"
I said, "I was at the pub arguing with my wife on the phone. She wanted me home by 10 and I told her no. I'm having a drink with my mates and I'll be in when I want."
"Anybody back you up on that?" he asked.
I said, "No, they all just told me that I should go home."



More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner




A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?"Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"



The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a very well-dressed French lady, but when he got there, he saw it was taken
by the woman's poodle. 
The some what tired Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said out loud but to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."
So the Marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat available
was under Fifi. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it straight out of the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his 
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. 
You drive what we call a car on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, to cap it all you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the 



This one just doesn't ring true. In real life, the marine would have shot the dog, then pissed on it. 











Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Rob Sutton


Just one more use for a Dyson

Back to work... . . . . and it's important to be focussed.

Strangers in the day . . . exchanging glances.

 Should've gone to Specsavers

You've got to admire the Tories' plan to ruin Liverpool forever.
Getting them to appoint Derek Hatton as council leader was a masterstroke.

I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home - The box from my new 65 inch TV.
I hate it when people take their dog for a walk and they crap right outside my house - It's bad enough when the dog does it.
People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins - But take a look at me now...
Saw a Chameleon today - So I guess its safe to say it was a rubbish one then.
I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she said. "What gave it away?" I asked. "The scissors mainly" she answered.
If sex between 3 people is a threesome and between two, a twosome, why is "Handsome" still a compliment?
I struggle to stay in a stable relationship because I'm Bi-Sexual. Once we've had sex I say "Bye".
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while my mum said "Use a spoon - you are not a Jedi"
You think seven years is bad if you break a mirror.Try breaking a condom.
I'm making a fortune out of promoting security systems. The pitch is easy - All I say is "Hello" - at 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet. Obviously they have never tested a man surfing porn whilst his wife is asleep.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.
Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"

Cat New Years Resolutions

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.


I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.


Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
it….soldier on.


Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”


I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a


Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched
off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s
burning my bum”.


You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.


News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.


Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it

Friday, 16 December 2011

FW: Roundup!!!

What a split second looks like....


Is nothing Sacred any more?




Want to be healthy?


awkward family photos



Guantanamo eBay



New doubts about Frozen Planet authenticity.



Tube dancer video sparks web row  An amusing video





There's a sign above the door where I work that says, "Once you go black you never come back".
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.




I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "No, it's going in the living room."



What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.





With the Christmas Season fast approaching, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many; knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I'd never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got this one.


I was a bit disappointed with my Anne Frank advent calendar. There's loads of chocolate crammed in to one window but all the others are empty.




What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?
Their heads.



The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually assaulted from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.



The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty petrol Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like such an idiot on the bus this morning.


Friday, 25 November 2011


Engineering Flowchart


What the British say / What they really mean


Simon Cowell is a sissy

Just bonkers, quite mad act.




I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.




How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - One to remove the bulb and drop it - the other to try and flog it before it crashes through the floor!



I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder.
This really brought home to me the horror of the situation.
That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need!!





I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia






(From the North Wyoming News, 2nd April 2010, "Letters to the Editor")
"Dear Sir,
I object and take exception to people saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.
As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
Bruce L. Hargreaves
USN Retired



Saw a shit mind reader today. 
Mind reader: Think of a card, any card. 
Me: OK
Mind reader: Visualize it in your mind. 
Me: OK
Mind reader: Is it the nine of clubs?
Me: No
Mind reader: Ace of spades?
Me: No
Mind reader: What is it then?
Me: 'Condolences on your loss'




Status update from female friend of mine on Facebook - 
Right Girlies we don't like the men thinking they are doing some hard work not shaving for 'movember' sooo..... Wait for it let's do FANNUARY!!! keep ourselfs warm through winter!!! Happy growing :))))))
And one of her friends has replied:
The boys have taken update pics of theirs! There is no way I'll be takin pics of mine and postin on Facebook thanks!!! Lol x





Duck walks to the edge of the pavement looks each way. Chicken shouts "For goodness sake mate, don't. You'll never hear the end of it"




A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. 
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing


Friday, 11 November 2011


Get ripped
for all the wanna-be bodybuilders and musclemen sitting on the internet reading this... you need a different website.

Online shopping vs In-Store shopping
How would you cope with online checkout . . . in-store?

First World Problems

How things change!

The art of being a newsreader . . . . . . is knowing when to utilise a pause in your spiel.

Keeping your balls clean

While waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans, funny, when I woke I had 26 missed calls.
It can't have been that important though, as when I rang back no one answered.

“Walking Eagle”
On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for he UK and Europe
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap that it can no longer fly.
I can think of one or two others who are well in line for that award indeed I am sure we all can!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.

American kids

TEACHER:              Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:                Here it is.
TEACHER:              Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:                Maria.

TEACHER:              John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:                 You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:              Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:                K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:              No, that's wrong
GLENN:                Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   
(I Love this child)

TEACHER:              Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:               H I J K L M N O
TEACHER:              What are you talking about?
DONALD:               Yesterday you said it's H to O.   

TEACHER:              Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:               Me!

TEACHER:              Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:                 Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   

TEACHER:              Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
MILLIE:               I is..
TEACHER:              No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:               All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'   

TEACHER:              George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
                      Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:                Because George still had the axe in his hand....   
TEACHER:              Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:                No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
TEACHER:              Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:                No, sir. It's the same dog.   
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER:              Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people aren't interested?
HAROLD:               A teacher?

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $1,999,999.75.

Thursday, 3 November 2011


5 ball juggling with hands and feet



Jobs in heaven



Got to sympathise with the travellers at Dale Farm. I too have a lifestyle choice that attracts persecution from the government.
I have a Job!!



My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.



My mother-in-law came round to our Halloween party dressed in a witch's hat, big black cape and a broomstick.
Then she went upstairs to change into her party clothes.




I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after noseying through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's uniform. a french maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's obvious, she can't hold down a job...



Getting the Dale Farm Travellers down from their scaffolding is going to be the best game of Ker-plunk ever.



Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.



First child swallows a coin: You rush to the hospital
Second child swallows a coin: You check the nappies religiously
Third child swallows a coin : You dock it from their pocket money

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.



A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".....
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"....
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."