Light-hearted gadget relief.
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Scottish referendum question
Holiday Advert Placement...
Screen Capture of the Year Award
I think we have a winner . . . .
A man phones an airfix model shop an says
"have u got a model of an italian cruise liner?" "yes" replies the owner.
"thats great" says the man "can u put it to one side for me?"
I completed a magazine quiz entitled "How straight or gay are you?"
I carefully considered each answer and then turned to the back to check my score.
It said "Straight guys don't do magazine quizzes."
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
I got burgled last night, but all they took were Mars bars, Kit Kat's and Bountys.
The Police reckon it could have been snackheads...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning.
He said, "Where were you between 9pm and 9:30pm last night?"
I said, "I was at the pub arguing with my wife on the phone. She wanted me home by 10 and I told her no. I'm having a drink with my mates and I'll be in when I want."
"Anybody back you up on that?" he asked.
I said, "No, they all just told me that I should go home."
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner
A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?"Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"
The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a very well-dressed French lady, but when he got there, he saw it was taken
by the woman's poodle.
The some what tired Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said out loud but to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."
So the Marine walked the entire length of the train again, but the only seat available
was under Fifi. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it straight out of the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive what we call a car on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, to cap it all you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
This one just doesn't ring true. In real life, the marine would have shot the dog, then pissed on it.