Wednesday, 11 January 2012


Just one more use for a Dyson

Back to work... . . . . and it's important to be focussed.

Strangers in the day . . . exchanging glances.

 Should've gone to Specsavers

You've got to admire the Tories' plan to ruin Liverpool forever.
Getting them to appoint Derek Hatton as council leader was a masterstroke.

I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home - The box from my new 65 inch TV.
I hate it when people take their dog for a walk and they crap right outside my house - It's bad enough when the dog does it.
People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins - But take a look at me now...
Saw a Chameleon today - So I guess its safe to say it was a rubbish one then.
I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she said. "What gave it away?" I asked. "The scissors mainly" she answered.
If sex between 3 people is a threesome and between two, a twosome, why is "Handsome" still a compliment?
I struggle to stay in a stable relationship because I'm Bi-Sexual. Once we've had sex I say "Bye".
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while my mum said "Use a spoon - you are not a Jedi"
You think seven years is bad if you break a mirror.Try breaking a condom.
I'm making a fortune out of promoting security systems. The pitch is easy - All I say is "Hello" - at 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Science shows that owls have the sharpest hearing on the planet. Obviously they have never tested a man surfing porn whilst his wife is asleep.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.
Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"

Cat New Years Resolutions

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.


I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.


Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
it….soldier on.


Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”


I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a


Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched
off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s
burning my bum”.


You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.


News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.


Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it