Friday, 16 December 2011

FW: Roundup!!!

What a split second looks like....


Is nothing Sacred any more?




Want to be healthy?


awkward family photos



Guantanamo eBay



New doubts about Frozen Planet authenticity.



Tube dancer video sparks web row  An amusing video





There's a sign above the door where I work that says, "Once you go black you never come back".
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.




I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "No, it's going in the living room."



What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.





With the Christmas Season fast approaching, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many; knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I'd never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got this one.


I was a bit disappointed with my Anne Frank advent calendar. There's loads of chocolate crammed in to one window but all the others are empty.




What do Scousers put in their stockings at Christmas?
Their heads.



The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually assaulted from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.



The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty petrol Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like such an idiot on the bus this morning.


Friday, 25 November 2011


Engineering Flowchart


What the British say / What they really mean


Simon Cowell is a sissy

Just bonkers, quite mad act.




I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.




How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - One to remove the bulb and drop it - the other to try and flog it before it crashes through the floor!



I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder.
This really brought home to me the horror of the situation.
That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need!!





I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia






(From the North Wyoming News, 2nd April 2010, "Letters to the Editor")
"Dear Sir,
I object and take exception to people saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.
As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.
Bruce L. Hargreaves
USN Retired



Saw a shit mind reader today. 
Mind reader: Think of a card, any card. 
Me: OK
Mind reader: Visualize it in your mind. 
Me: OK
Mind reader: Is it the nine of clubs?
Me: No
Mind reader: Ace of spades?
Me: No
Mind reader: What is it then?
Me: 'Condolences on your loss'




Status update from female friend of mine on Facebook - 
Right Girlies we don't like the men thinking they are doing some hard work not shaving for 'movember' sooo..... Wait for it let's do FANNUARY!!! keep ourselfs warm through winter!!! Happy growing :))))))
And one of her friends has replied:
The boys have taken update pics of theirs! There is no way I'll be takin pics of mine and postin on Facebook thanks!!! Lol x





Duck walks to the edge of the pavement looks each way. Chicken shouts "For goodness sake mate, don't. You'll never hear the end of it"




A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. 
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing


Friday, 11 November 2011


Get ripped
for all the wanna-be bodybuilders and musclemen sitting on the internet reading this... you need a different website.

Online shopping vs In-Store shopping
How would you cope with online checkout . . . in-store?

First World Problems

How things change!

The art of being a newsreader . . . . . . is knowing when to utilise a pause in your spiel.

Keeping your balls clean

While waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans, funny, when I woke I had 26 missed calls.
It can't have been that important though, as when I rang back no one answered.

“Walking Eagle”
On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for he UK and Europe
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap that it can no longer fly.
I can think of one or two others who are well in line for that award indeed I am sure we all can!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.

American kids

TEACHER:              Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:                Here it is.
TEACHER:              Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:                Maria.

TEACHER:              John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:                 You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:              Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:                K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:              No, that's wrong
GLENN:                Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   
(I Love this child)

TEACHER:              Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:               H I J K L M N O
TEACHER:              What are you talking about?
DONALD:               Yesterday you said it's H to O.   

TEACHER:              Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:               Me!

TEACHER:              Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:                 Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   

TEACHER:              Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
MILLIE:               I is..
TEACHER:              No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:               All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'   

TEACHER:              George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
                      Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:                Because George still had the axe in his hand....   
TEACHER:              Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:                No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
TEACHER:              Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:                No, sir. It's the same dog.   
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER:              Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people aren't interested?
HAROLD:               A teacher?

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $1,999,999.75.

Thursday, 3 November 2011


5 ball juggling with hands and feet



Jobs in heaven



Got to sympathise with the travellers at Dale Farm. I too have a lifestyle choice that attracts persecution from the government.
I have a Job!!



My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.



My mother-in-law came round to our Halloween party dressed in a witch's hat, big black cape and a broomstick.
Then she went upstairs to change into her party clothes.




I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after noseying through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's uniform. a french maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's obvious, she can't hold down a job...



Getting the Dale Farm Travellers down from their scaffolding is going to be the best game of Ker-plunk ever.



Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.



First child swallows a coin: You rush to the hospital
Second child swallows a coin: You check the nappies religiously
Third child swallows a coin : You dock it from their pocket money

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.



A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".....
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"....
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."




Clint Eastwood's Birthday

It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood’s birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.
  I don’t think it worked out the way they wanted it to …

Friday, 7 October 2011

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!


Grinding the crack

No, nothing to do with drugs or porn.....Just one amazing video!





Cinema Prank

Carlsberg fill up a cinema with heavy metal rockers/bikers and see if unsuspecting cinema go-ers will take the final 2 seats in the middle of them . . . .




Quote of the Day



The modern world...



Amazing photo!

Aircraft Narrowly Misses a Crowd Gathered for the Airshow and Slams Into Four Buildings.
Brace yourself before looking at the attached image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.





11th November 2011
The day America will finally get a numerical date right!!




Steve Jobs arrives at the Pearly Gates and tells St Peter "I have a complaint." 
"What is it" asks Peter.
"Well" said Steve, "I thought it was customary for a dying person to see their whole life flash before them."
"Sorry" says Peter, "but you don't support Flash."




This bloke from over the road was talking to me earlier,
"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided.
"What? That fat ugly bugger I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" He laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to have an affair with that?"...



Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors




I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. 
There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.





In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great
philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth.. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second
test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not
certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..." 

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful,
why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.It also explains why
Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.













Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Crazy Russians


Friday, 30 September 2011

FW: [roundup] Roundup!!!


The modern world...



Another one!

Check the second paragraph, starting with "Samuel Tak Lee, who owns..." to learn the name of his long-term 'sexual companion'.


50% tax rate




Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!



A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk five paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk five paces behind women.
She asks the interpreter, “What brought about the change?”
He replies, “Landmines.” 




I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.



I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA. 
Should look cool on my black jeep.



When I was 15 I was on the sex offenders' register.
Or 'Mr. Jones' as we called him in class.



"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender. 
A neutrino walks into a bar.



Dear Greece,

Once you agree to pay your bills, you can have your weather back.

Great Britain



Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Lifts rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Pampers Nappies remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Andrex Tissue touched a new bottom.
And Durecell exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.




Next time you get grief from your Admin department about a late filed form or missing inventory just quote the Duke of wellington to them:

Message from Sir Arthur Wellesley, Earl of Wellington, to the British
Foreign Office in London, written in Spain, August 1812


Whilst marching from Portugal to a position, which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently
complying with your requests, which have been sent by H.M. ship from
London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen
of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible
carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are
war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe
that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I
shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,






Sunday, 25 September 2011

That’s one way to sort out problems


Friday, 23 September 2011

FW: Roundup!!!

George Brownridge



Think we all need one of these....


Nigella's best bits...Cleaverly cut. May couse...Offence?





TomTom for sale  a good sales pitch



Draw a stickman...... If you've got 5 minutes to doodle, try this...







A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."





The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable. 
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.






I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes

Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....Sex on the telephone - Direct Line ....

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ...

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ...

Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels ....

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....

Sex with a transvestite - :~)




I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.






I was telling a guy at work how useless I am with the ladies, and how I had to stand on a chair to kiss last night's date goodnight. 
He said, "Wow! She was that tall?"
I said, "No, she hanged herself."




A guy met a woman at a bar and they went to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says, "shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio."
She says, "you mean polio?"
He says, "no, I got toelio."
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts.
She looks again and says, "don't tell me - smallcox?"




I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.



Monday, 19 September 2011


The Harvard Museum of Natural History. . . are refreshingly honest about why they have removed one of their exhibits.


Laptop self charger

Brilliant. Now just for wireless power and were sorted


Joy of Photoshop (url)



What it’s like to play online games as an adult.



Got to admit I wouldn't have put the scissors there...




They say so many people die because of alcohol..
Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.





Most scousers can trace their family tree back at least 15 generations.

All the way back to 1980.





I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches




I just got sentenced to 15 years for assisted suicide and I'm really regretting my foolish actions. 
I should never have given that woman a 'pass' on her driving test.




Police quotes


"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."









3 old ladies were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you two are saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.'






Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India" formerly known as Australia.

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced. 

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Serves them right.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime. 

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.


The Strip Show 19-09-11