The modern world...
Check the second paragraph, starting with "Samuel Tak Lee, who owns..." to learn the name of his long-term 'sexual companion'.
50% tax rate
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand!!
A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk five paces behind the men. A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk five paces behind women.
She asks the interpreter, “What brought about the change?”
He replies, “Landmines.”
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.
When I was 15 I was on the sex offenders' register.
Or 'Mr. Jones' as we called him in class.
"We don't serve faster than light particles in here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
Once you agree to pay your bills, you can have your weather back.
STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Lifts rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Pampers Nappies remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Andrex Tissue touched a new bottom.
And Durecell exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Next time you get grief from your Admin department about a late filed form or missing inventory just quote the Duke of wellington to them:
Message from Sir Arthur Wellesley, Earl of Wellington, to the British
Foreign Office in London, written in Spain, August 1812
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position, which commands the approach
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently
complying with your requests, which have been sent by H.M. ship from
London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen
of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible
carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are
war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe
that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I
shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,