Friday, 21 November 2008

Repeat After Me


I'm never drinking again.

I'm never drinking again.?

I'm never drinking again.

I'm never drinking again.


Tax Disc Holder


TOP TEN Crosswind and Scary Aircraft Landings




Not strictly speaking a joke, but have a look at the review of this pub written “pgazz” – about half the way down the page and dated 18th August 2008.



Take a look at the attached picture of a typical back garden melon patch. If you concentrate on the centre of a picture, after about 30 secs, you should see the image of a girl appear:

Remarkable isn't it?



All because the lady loves.....






It's time to stamp out atheists in America.

A reader voices strong opinion on atheists...

A convincing argument if ever I heard one!



According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog...




"Would anyone else like to see hostages in videos being a bit cheekier? Someguy who's about to get his head chopped off with a sword turning around going: ‘Short back and sides please, big man!'"


"You see Amy Winehouse in the papers? She looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses. She got done for assault. Kicked out at some guy that tried to put a saddle on her."


"One of the side effects of the smoking ban in Scotland is that every pub has tables and chairs outside. Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war."


"Did anyone see that thing where Jordan came out and said she's only had 10 lovers? Did anyone else think she just ran out of fingers?"




They say that the average male has sex 2580 times during their life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197.




I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, "Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!"


I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

"What did you call it?" I asked.


"It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!" he said,


... and so it did,


A F R I C A N Elephant.






A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. 

She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. 

She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”







I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you at this time of year. It was to me. 


The imagery, the phrasing, it is truly magnificent.









a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre 





Bugger me sideways

It's cold.









The anti terrorist squad are looking into claims that some tins of Alphabeti Spaghetti have been tampered with and that explosive devices could have been placed in them, a spokesman has said "If one of these tins were to explode it could spell disaster".




The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed

into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.


He climbed down from his truck and looked at the wreckage, not quite

sure what to do. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and

unloaded a crew of workers.


The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread

some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces

together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth

reconstructed and good as new.


"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that

white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"


The crew chief said, ........


Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Monday, 17 November 2008



By chance is anyone interested in a dog ?

Hi ! I need a favour 

Our neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids. 

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know. Here's a picture of the dog (see below). 

Saturday, 15 November 2008




Where Can I Get One?





I loved this e-mail about a guy trying to talk his way out of debt:




Yet Another Personal Data Blunder (URL)





A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”









He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. 


He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole. 


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 


The guy says "No, what?" 


The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" 


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." 


He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. 


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. 

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. 


While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. 


He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. 


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. 


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 


"No, what?" replies the guy. 


"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. 


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. 


"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."




Two gents go to London to donate sperm. 


It was a disaster! Jim missed the tube & Fred came on the bus!!






This Brummy goes for a job interview. 


He turns up wearing a orange polyester shirt, platform shoes and a pinstripe suit with massive flared trousers.


The interviewer says to him, "Blimey! All you need now is a Kipper Tie!"


The brummie replies, "Yes please, two sugars."



Brummie meets his mate coming back from day's fishing at the local canal.


"Yow ketch anything?" he asks


"Arrrr! I caught a whale!" comes the reply.


"Coblers! Yow cort ketch a whale in the cut!"


"I did!" he said "But it day ave no tyre on it."



An explorer is hacking his way through the African jungle when he comes across a clearing, littered with the bones and rotting flesh of dead elephants. Amazed that he had found the mythical elephant' graveyard, he pauses for a while to take in the view when he hears a voice.


"Bluddy 'ell. I cort believe ov endid up eya!"


Startled by the vice, the explorer looks cross the clearing and sees the source of the voice, a very ropey looking elephant, obviously on his last legs.


"Wot yow lookin' at?" asks the elephant


Feeling a little embarrassed to be conversing with a pachyderm the explorer asks.


"Excuse me, are you a talking elephant?"


"Arrr!" comes the reply. "Wim ever so rare y'know!"


"And is that a Brummie accent you have."


"Arrr!" he says "Oim frum Dudlay Zoo!"


Totally bewildered now, the explorer looks around at the elephant carcasses and then at the sickly looking elephant.


"Did you come here to die?" he asks.



To which the elephant replies......


"No. I come here yesterday!"




On my way home from work I stopped off at the BP station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.

So I put the air in and went inside to pay.

The cashier said to me "£2 please".

"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!"

"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".







Irregular verbs

I'm curious you're inquisitive s/he's gullible

I'm consistent you're in a rut s/he's inflexible

I'm flexible you're inconsistent s/he's unpredictable

I'm persistent you're stubborn s/he's obsessed



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation

- Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be sh*tting herself

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: 'What's my favourite flower?' And you murmur to yourself: 'Sh1t, I wasn't listening ... was it self-raising?'

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time

-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: 'I'd like a job please'. The hardware store owner says: 'We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?' The dog replies: 'What would the circus want with a plumber'

- Steven Alan Green at C34


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.














A Golfer got up early, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed his clubs, slipped into the garage, loaded his clubs into the car and proceeded into torrential rain towards the golf course.


The rain was mixed with sleet and the wind was 50 mph. So he returned to the garage, turned on the radio and discovered the weather would be bad throughout the day.


He went back into the house and quietly undressed, slipping back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife and whispered, "The weather outside is absolutely terrible."


Sleepily, she replied, "I know, can you believe my husband went out golfing in that."

Wednesday, 5 November 2008


Not strictly a joke - just a challenge!



Finally America has come to terms with its past and elected a black President. A spokesman for the new administration was quoted as saying, "He's made his owners very proud."





About a month before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother covered his back with lard.


He went downhill pretty quickly after that!




Happy & Sad 


A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said... 


"Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."


She said .. 


"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."





Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.


They spent the entire film going through the fridge labeling everything..




An elderly couple went on a world cruise. They hadn't been on the

liner very long when the old man's prostate demanded that he visited

the Gents. To his dismay he found the cubicle doors were coin operated

and he had no change on him. Just then a steward came by, "Excuse me,

steward," the old man called out, "I find myself caught short without

any change. It is a matter of some urgency so could you possibly

unlock the door and I will pay you later?"

The rather haughty steward replied, "I regret, sir, this is the Cunard

Line not the P&O."




Jonathan Ross says he is leaving the BBC "without rancour".


That's funny, I thought he was taking Russell Brand with him.






Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?


A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart

will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of

your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?


A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat

chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of

vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?


A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that

means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the

goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?


A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If

you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise



A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?


A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad

for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the



A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should

only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?


A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best

feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?


A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?


A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

food and diets.


And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in

sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly

used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'





An impression of an extractor fan...


"I used to like tractors."






What do cannibals spread on their toast? 


I Can't Believe It's Not Buttocks