Friday, 18 December 2009


Police presence......



I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

I said "Look Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."




A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make... I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy."

Oh yes? Who was it?"

"Tiger Woods".

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's the bloody par for this hole!






From the Glasgow Herald Today: Pilot gets a rough ride


BAD weather meant a few bumpy landings at Heathrow this week, particularly one flight from JFK. A little Glasgow granny had to register her discontent to the rather sheepish pilot as he stood alongside the flight crew,.

“Did you land the plane, son,” she asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Thank God for that,” she said. “I thought we’d been shot down.’


I just totally wasted £25 !

I bought a book called "Tiger's Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out its about golf.





It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All

the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early



Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."


Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm

smart and will answer the question."


Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."


Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."


Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.


Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."


Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."


Johnny is even madder than before.


Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."


Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."


Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the



When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut!"


The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"








A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through

the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"




A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."



Thursday, 17 September 2009

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Sack the Gardener

An unfortunate mix of cypress and shrubs... 

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

African Miners Trapped Underground....amazing pic




Tuesday, 23 June 2009

The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Speaker's Ballot Paper
carefully prepared by the House of Commons Authorities

Try to encircle the cat . . . not easy!!


Anyway - do your kids spend all their time texting, messaging, twittering?

Paddy: "What you got in da sack, Mick?"
Mick: "Ducks"
Paddy: "If I guess how many, can I have one?"
Mick: "Better than that, you can have 'em both"
Paddy "Seven?"

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on-board.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Q. Why don't black people go on cruises?

A. They aren't falling for that one again.

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
 engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+
 We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
 men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a
 mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
 notes. Here's how it all went:
 My engaged friend:
 The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
 leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
 He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
 Then we made love all night long.
 The mistress:
 Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
 wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a
 raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
 wild sex all night.
 Then I had to share my story:
 When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
 stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in
 the door and saw me he said...
 "What's for dinner, Batman?"

A man from Essex parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming
off. More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile and
calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche,
my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the
panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody essex boys are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Essex boy looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he
screams... 'Where's my Rolex?'

Tuesday, 16 June 2009


Monday, 15 June 2009

Nice Headline

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

I see Monica Lewinsky is back!

Spots Photograph of the Year 2009

Surely a winner of best photograph of Sports Illustrated 2009 
advertising behind him..... 

Friday, 5 June 2009

Ikea to make cars...

IKEA to take over General Motors ...


WE ARE IN DEEP, DEEP TROUBLE....ever tried to assemble an Ikea wardrobe? 

Thursday, 4 June 2009

New Magazine

We're closing in!!

Monday, 1 June 2009

Treating a BLACK EYE

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of cold, raw meat on it.

While the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually delays the recovery 

of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes.

Studies have shown that application of warm meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage.


See treatment below!


Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
There also used to be a very pleasant parking attendant at the Bristol Zoo with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just Didn't turn up for work...
"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council
And get them to send a new parking attendant" ......
"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....
"Err NO!"
Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car Park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last
25 years.

YES, I've done the sums = 3,650,000 Pounds

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Air Asia advert!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Is this why....

....mummy won't let me be King?

Monday, 18 May 2009

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks for his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again says, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. 

Friday, 15 May 2009

New for 2009 Harleys for him and her



Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Hello Barbie :)

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Caught Sleeping At The Office? Excuses Here.

So what do you do when your boss walks in and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get fired, or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 10 best things to say when getting caught asleep are:

10) ”They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

9) ”This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

 ”Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!”

7) ”I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6) ”I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5) ”I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?”

4) ”Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3) ”The coffee machine is broken…”

2) ”Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…”

1) ”… Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Friday, 8 May 2009

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Thursday, 30 April 2009

Winnie the Poo

Do not take sweets from a stranger!



Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Grab your Free BBQ QUICK!

An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first.... 
Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them.  
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

  · ASDA
  · Morrison's
  · Costco
  · Kwik Save
  · Somerfield
  · Aldi
  · Sainsbury
  · Tesco
  · Iceland
  · Lidl

  All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

  PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.

  If you wish to see a picture of this product please scroll down. 

Be prepared...

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Monday, 20 April 2009

Fox Hunting

I don't normally forward on this sort of thing but this is important.
This inhumane practice is abhorrent to all thinking individuals.
We MUST stop this atrocity.

Friday, 17 April 2009

A Thought...........

Why is it that when we talk to God it's called praying, but when God talks to us it's called paranoid schizophrenia?

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Long Life Secret

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" 

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.." 
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" 
"Thirty-four," she replied.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Budget Security

Miss Wales 2009

Thursday, 9 April 2009

How many lawyers to change a bulb

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

Newsflash - Button Hurt in Horrific F1 Accident

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Thought these were fun - click the photos to see famous buildings switch off their lights for Earth Hour last weekend : HERE

Bad Morning

Great Trick for April Fools Day, or any day
Instructions here:

and the test video itself here:

419 Scammer Honesty..Toptastic

Sterile man pays neighbour to impregnate wife . . . but man fails after 72 attempts!

This is brilliant.

A woman arrived at a dinner party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she said. "Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the
things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen'. What's your name?"

After a brief, thoughtful moment, he responded "B.J. Titsengolf!"

There have been so many entries for the X Factor this year, the show had to separate them into 3 categories:

Bullied Children
Dead Dads
And Teenage Mums

Life before the computer

* Memory was something that you lost with age
* An application was for employment
* A program was a TV show
* A cursor used profanity
* A keyboard was a piano
* A web was a spider's home
* A virus was the flu
* A CD was a bank account
* A hard drive was a long trip on the road
* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
* And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out...

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

I never have understood swiss army knives, they suggest to me that the Swiss are at war with corks.

Divorce pending

You know when you've been spending just a little too much time on the PC every night . . .



Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. 
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.  
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care. 
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.  
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. 
A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'  

Sluts, There easy to spot

Friday, 3 April 2009

Monday, 30 March 2009

At Home Secretary

"Richard, did you download the videos I asked you to get?"

"Yes honeybuns, and I've also got something 'special' for you to wear."

"What do you mean 'SPECIAL TO WEAR'? You did get the films on Toryism and Socialism, I wanted didn't you?"

"Oh rats Jacqui, I thought you said Troilism and Sadism!"


Sunday, 29 March 2009

Milked dry!!!

Saturday, 28 March 2009

Friday, 27 March 2009


What does your teenager get up to .... .. when left alone in the house with a paintbrush?!!

Pie Chart

Excellent add - with excellent questions.

12 Year Old Boy Scouts volunteer to give Breast Examinations

(Now why didn't *I* think of that???)

Madoff Behind Bars - Day 1

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. 

So my wife called him a dickhead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. 

It's important at our age.

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders
sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give
him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the
pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There
was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion !" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit
down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know
what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound
98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the
actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a
representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Time Travel