I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.
I said "Look Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make... I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "I've been with one guy."
Oh yes? Who was it?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's the bloody par for this hole!
From the Glasgow Herald Today: Pilot gets a rough ride
BAD weather meant a few bumpy landings at Heathrow this week, particularly one flight from JFK. A little Glasgow granny had to register her discontent to the rather sheepish pilot as he stood alongside the flight crew,.
“Did you land the plane, son,” she asked.
“Thank God for that,” she said. “I thought we’d been shot down.’
I just totally wasted £25 !
I bought a book called "Tiger's Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out its about golf.
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through
the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"
A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."