Thursday, 30 April 2009
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first....
Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them.
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.
· Kwik Save
All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!
PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.
If you wish to see a picture of this product please scroll down.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Friday, 17 April 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Thursday, 9 April 2009
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Thought these were fun - click the photos to see famous buildings switch off their lights for Earth Hour last weekend : HERE
Great Trick for April Fools Day, or any day
and the test video itself here:
419 Scammer Honesty..Toptastic
Sterile man pays neighbour to impregnate wife . . . but man fails after 72 attempts!
This is brilliant.
A woman arrived at a dinner party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she said. "Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the
things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen'. What's your name?"
After a brief, thoughtful moment, he responded "B.J. Titsengolf!"
There have been so many entries for the X Factor this year, the show had to separate them into 3 categories:
And Teenage Mums
Life before the computer
* Memory was something that you lost with age
* An application was for employment
* A program was a TV show
* A cursor used profanity
* A keyboard was a piano
* A web was a spider's home
* A virus was the flu
* A CD was a bank account
* A hard drive was a long trip on the road
* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
* And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out...
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because...
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
I never have understood swiss army knives, they suggest to me that the Swiss are at war with corks.
NEWS JUST IN !
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'