Thursday, 30 April 2009

Winnie the Poo

Do not take sweets from a stranger!

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO 
TAKE SWEETIES FROM STRANGE MEN.... 


...THIS IS THE ONE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!! 

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Grab your Free BBQ QUICK!

An offer NOT to be missed! I thought this was a hoax at first.... 
 
Summer 2009 is almost here. To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them.  
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.

  · ASDA
  · Morrison's
  · Costco
  · Kwik Save
  · Somerfield
  · Aldi
  · Sainsbury
  · Tesco
  · Iceland
  · Lidl

  All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

  PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.

  If you wish to see a picture of this product please scroll down. 


Be prepared...

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Monday, 20 April 2009

Fox Hunting

I don't normally forward on this sort of thing but this is important.
 
PLEASE HELP TO STOP FOX HUNTING.
 
This inhumane practice is abhorrent to all thinking individuals.
 
We MUST stop this atrocity.



Friday, 17 April 2009

A Thought...........

Why is it that when we talk to God it's called praying, but when God talks to us it's called paranoid schizophrenia?

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Long Life Secret


A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" 

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.." 
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" 
"Thirty-four," she replied.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Budget Security

Miss Wales 2009

Thursday, 9 April 2009

How many lawyers to change a bulb

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

Newsflash - Button Hurt in Horrific F1 Accident

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Thought these were fun - click the photos to see famous buildings switch off their lights for Earth Hour last weekend : HERE


Bad Morning



Great Trick for April Fools Day, or any day
Instructions here:


and the test video itself here:



419 Scammer Honesty..Toptastic




Sterile man pays neighbour to impregnate wife . . . but man fails after 72 attempts!

This is brilliant.




A woman arrived at a dinner party and while scanning the guests,
spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she said. "Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the
things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose
'Carmen'. What's your name?"

After a brief, thoughtful moment, he responded "B.J. Titsengolf!"


There have been so many entries for the X Factor this year, the show had to separate them into 3 categories:

Bullied Children
Dead Dads
And Teenage Mums



Life before the computer

* Memory was something that you lost with age
* An application was for employment
* A program was a TV show
* A cursor used profanity
* A keyboard was a piano
* A web was a spider's home
* A virus was the flu
* A CD was a bank account
* A hard drive was a long trip on the road
* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
* And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out...



Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.



Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"





I never have understood swiss army knives, they suggest to me that the Swiss are at war with corks.

Divorce pending

You know when you've been spending just a little too much time on the PC every night . . .

** NEWSFLASH **

 
 
 
NEWS JUST IN !  

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. 
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.  
  
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care. 
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.  
  
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. 
A spokesman for Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'  

Sluts, There easy to spot

Friday, 3 April 2009