Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Speaker's Ballot Paper
carefully prepared by the House of Commons Authorities

Try to encircle the cat . . . not easy!!


Anyway - do your kids spend all their time texting, messaging, twittering?

Paddy: "What you got in da sack, Mick?"
Mick: "Ducks"
Paddy: "If I guess how many, can I have one?"
Mick: "Better than that, you can have 'em both"
Paddy "Seven?"

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on-board.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Q. Why don't black people go on cruises?

A. They aren't falling for that one again.

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
 engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+
 We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
 men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a
 mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
 notes. Here's how it all went:
 My engaged friend:
 The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
 leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
 He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
 Then we made love all night long.
 The mistress:
 Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
 wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a
 raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
 wild sex all night.
 Then I had to share my story:
 When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
 stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in
 the door and saw me he said...
 "What's for dinner, Batman?"

A man from Essex parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming
off. More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile and
calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche,
my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the
panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody essex boys are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Essex boy looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he
screams... 'Where's my Rolex?'