Not strictly a joke - just a challenge!
Finally America has come to terms with its past and elected a black President. A spokesman for the new administration was quoted as saying, "He's made his owners very proud."
About a month before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother covered his back with lard.
He went downhill pretty quickly after that!
Happy & Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said...
"Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."
She said ..
"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.
They spent the entire film going through the fridge labeling everything..
An elderly couple went on a world cruise. They hadn't been on the
liner very long when the old man's prostate demanded that he visited
the Gents. To his dismay he found the cubicle doors were coin operated
and he had no change on him. Just then a steward came by, "Excuse me,
steward," the old man called out, "I find myself caught short without
any change. It is a matter of some urgency so could you possibly
unlock the door and I will pay you later?"
The rather haughty steward replied, "I regret, sir, this is the Cunard
Line not the P&O."
Jonathan Ross says he is leaving the BBC "without rancour".
That's funny, I thought he was taking Russell Brand with him.
A LEADING DOCTOR'S QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ON GOOD HEALTH PRACTICE
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
An impression of an extractor fan...
"I used to like tractors."
What do cannibals spread on their toast?
I Can't Believe It's Not Buttocks