Wednesday, 5 November 2008


Not strictly a joke - just a challenge!



Finally America has come to terms with its past and elected a black President. A spokesman for the new administration was quoted as saying, "He's made his owners very proud."





About a month before my Grandfather died, my Grandmother covered his back with lard.


He went downhill pretty quickly after that!




Happy & Sad 


A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said... 


"Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."


She said .. 


"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."





Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.


They spent the entire film going through the fridge labeling everything..




An elderly couple went on a world cruise. They hadn't been on the

liner very long when the old man's prostate demanded that he visited

the Gents. To his dismay he found the cubicle doors were coin operated

and he had no change on him. Just then a steward came by, "Excuse me,

steward," the old man called out, "I find myself caught short without

any change. It is a matter of some urgency so could you possibly

unlock the door and I will pay you later?"

The rather haughty steward replied, "I regret, sir, this is the Cunard

Line not the P&O."




Jonathan Ross says he is leaving the BBC "without rancour".


That's funny, I thought he was taking Russell Brand with him.






Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?


A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart

will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of

your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?


A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat

chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of

vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?


A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that

means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the

goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?


A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If

you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise



A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?


A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad

for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the



A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should

only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?


A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best

feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?


A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?


A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

food and diets.


And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in

sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly

used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'





An impression of an extractor fan...


"I used to like tractors."






What do cannibals spread on their toast? 


I Can't Believe It's Not Buttocks