Saturday, 15 November 2008




Where Can I Get One?





I loved this e-mail about a guy trying to talk his way out of debt:




Yet Another Personal Data Blunder (URL)





A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”









He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. 


He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole. 


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 


The guy says "No, what?" 


The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" 


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." 


He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. 


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. 

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. 


While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. 


He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. 


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. 


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 


"No, what?" replies the guy. 


"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. 


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. 


"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."




Two gents go to London to donate sperm. 


It was a disaster! Jim missed the tube & Fred came on the bus!!






This Brummy goes for a job interview. 


He turns up wearing a orange polyester shirt, platform shoes and a pinstripe suit with massive flared trousers.


The interviewer says to him, "Blimey! All you need now is a Kipper Tie!"


The brummie replies, "Yes please, two sugars."



Brummie meets his mate coming back from day's fishing at the local canal.


"Yow ketch anything?" he asks


"Arrrr! I caught a whale!" comes the reply.


"Coblers! Yow cort ketch a whale in the cut!"


"I did!" he said "But it day ave no tyre on it."



An explorer is hacking his way through the African jungle when he comes across a clearing, littered with the bones and rotting flesh of dead elephants. Amazed that he had found the mythical elephant' graveyard, he pauses for a while to take in the view when he hears a voice.


"Bluddy 'ell. I cort believe ov endid up eya!"


Startled by the vice, the explorer looks cross the clearing and sees the source of the voice, a very ropey looking elephant, obviously on his last legs.


"Wot yow lookin' at?" asks the elephant


Feeling a little embarrassed to be conversing with a pachyderm the explorer asks.


"Excuse me, are you a talking elephant?"


"Arrr!" comes the reply. "Wim ever so rare y'know!"


"And is that a Brummie accent you have."


"Arrr!" he says "Oim frum Dudlay Zoo!"


Totally bewildered now, the explorer looks around at the elephant carcasses and then at the sickly looking elephant.


"Did you come here to die?" he asks.



To which the elephant replies......


"No. I come here yesterday!"




On my way home from work I stopped off at the BP station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.

So I put the air in and went inside to pay.

The cashier said to me "£2 please".

"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!"

"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".







Irregular verbs

I'm curious you're inquisitive s/he's gullible

I'm consistent you're in a rut s/he's inflexible

I'm flexible you're inconsistent s/he's unpredictable

I'm persistent you're stubborn s/he's obsessed



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation

- Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be sh*tting herself

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: 'What's my favourite flower?' And you murmur to yourself: 'Sh1t, I wasn't listening ... was it self-raising?'

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time

-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: 'I'd like a job please'. The hardware store owner says: 'We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?' The dog replies: 'What would the circus want with a plumber'

- Steven Alan Green at C34


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.














A Golfer got up early, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed his clubs, slipped into the garage, loaded his clubs into the car and proceeded into torrential rain towards the golf course.


The rain was mixed with sleet and the wind was 50 mph. So he returned to the garage, turned on the radio and discovered the weather would be bad throughout the day.


He went back into the house and quietly undressed, slipping back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife and whispered, "The weather outside is absolutely terrible."


Sleepily, she replied, "I know, can you believe my husband went out golfing in that."