Friday, 11 November 2011


Get ripped
for all the wanna-be bodybuilders and musclemen sitting on the internet reading this... you need a different website.

Online shopping vs In-Store shopping
How would you cope with online checkout . . . in-store?

First World Problems

How things change!

The art of being a newsreader . . . . . . is knowing when to utilise a pause in your spiel.

Keeping your balls clean

While waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans, funny, when I woke I had 26 missed calls.
It can't have been that important though, as when I rang back no one answered.

“Walking Eagle”
On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for he UK and Europe
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap that it can no longer fly.
I can think of one or two others who are well in line for that award indeed I am sure we all can!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went out to take them to the postbox, on the doormat he found a bill from the lawyer.

American kids

TEACHER:              Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:                Here it is.
TEACHER:              Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:                Maria.

TEACHER:              John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:                 You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:              Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:                K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:              No, that's wrong
GLENN:                Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   
(I Love this child)

TEACHER:              Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:               H I J K L M N O
TEACHER:              What are you talking about?
DONALD:               Yesterday you said it's H to O.   

TEACHER:              Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:               Me!

TEACHER:              Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:                 Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   

TEACHER:              Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.
MILLIE:               I is..
TEACHER:              No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:               All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'   

TEACHER:              George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
                      Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:                Because George still had the axe in his hand....   
TEACHER:              Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:                No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
TEACHER:              Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:                No, sir. It's the same dog.   
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER:              Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people aren't interested?
HAROLD:               A teacher?

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $1,999,999.75.