5 ball juggling with hands and feet
Jobs in heaven
Got to sympathise with the travellers at Dale Farm. I too have a lifestyle choice that attracts persecution from the government.
I have a Job!!
My wife's been missing for two weeks now.
Police came round and told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
My mother-in-law came round to our Halloween party dressed in a witch's hat, big black cape and a broomstick.
Then she went upstairs to change into her party clothes.
I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after noseying through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's uniform. a french maid's outfit and a police woman's uniform, I dumped her..... It's obvious, she can't hold down a job...
Getting the Dale Farm Travellers down from their scaffolding is going to be the best game of Ker-plunk ever.
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
First child swallows a coin: You rush to the hospital
Second child swallows a coin: You check the nappies religiously
Third child swallows a coin : You dock it from their pocket money
THE BABY'S NAME:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favourites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?
It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".....
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"....
She replies, "It's me....talking to the wine."