Friday, 12 September 2008


That CERN thing explained (URL) explains all you need to know about the Hadron collider thing at CERN

............A DUCK!!!!!!!!!!! me, I always thought it was just a figure of speech...

All they found was the Camera.....

A particle physicist is caught speeding on the Swiss French border."Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the gendarme."No, but I know where I am"

Man goes into a post office in a tiny village down in deepest Devon and says to the buxom young wench behind the counter."Excuse me, do you keep stationery?""Oh yes sirr, roight up till the larst minute then I go absolutely WOILD! "

On Winning a competition at school to meet the Queen young Johnny was over the moon.He set off to London with his dad and got to Buckingham palace, there was a sign on the gates that said the queen would be seeing people at 11:00am and 2pm.

They decided to go at 11:00 am so they could go and see a bit of London after.Whilst waiting in the queue Johnny proudly wearing his new Rangers shirt, noticed a young lad wearing a Celtic Top! To his horror when the queen came out to see the visitors she made straight for the lad in the Celtic top.

Johnny was so distraught he immediately left the line and ran to his dad in floods of tears, and told him what had happened!'Don't worry said his dad, we'll go and buy a Celtic top and we can come back at 2:00, Johnny was a little hesitant but really wanted to visit the queen so off they went.

Come 2:00 Johnny is standing waiting outside the palace when the queen appears, to his delight the queen without hesitation came straight over to Johnny bent down and whispered in his ear'I thought I told you to f*** off'

Miriam gets married and a year later goes into hospital and givesbirth to triplets. All her family and friends are shocked when theyhear the news - they know of no-one who has had triplets before.As soon as she hears the news, Miriam's mother-in-law Fay goes tovisit her daughter-in-law in hospital. As soon as she arrives, Fayhands over the bunch of grapes and says, "What a surprise, Miriam.No one on our side of the family has ever had twins before, let alonetriplets.""Yes, it was a bit of a shock," replies Miriam, "but I'm getting over it.By the way, my doctor tells me that triplets only happen once everyhundred thousand times.""Oy vey, Miriam," says Fay, "how on earth did you find the time to doyour housework?"s

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott wasshot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

This is allegedly the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents, to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their, children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester, and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:To lie about why your child is absent -
Press 1To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -
Press 2To complain about what we do -
Press 3To swear at staff members -
Press 4To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -
Press 5If you want us to raise your child -
Press 6If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -
Press 7To request another teacher, for the third time this year -
Press 8To complain about bus transportation -
Press 9To complain about school lunches -
Press 0If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and Responsible for his/her own Behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice Day!If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

With the imminent destruction of the world when they switch on the LCH, I thought I'd recycle this one.-----The EU have decided that from today the following warning labels will appear in future on all products offered for sale:
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.