I was away last week. But thought I’d do a bit of campaigning myself while in the states. Give Obama and McCain a run for their money
Abu Hamza first up against the wall
Montana State Trooper
My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it !The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."The villagers hurried round with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only bloody monkeys everywhere!Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Hosting last night's venture capital awards dinner, BBC newsreader Emily Maitlis commented that given the ongoing consolidation in the travel sector she wouldn't be surprised to see a deal between Cunard and Aer Lingus, but she "wasn't sure what the new company would be called"!
Microsoft's latest multi-million dollar ad campaign is based around the theme "Life Without Walls."http://lifewithoutwalls.com/So if you've got no walls, why would you want windows?
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
Dear American:I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. You may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to email@example.com so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.Yours FaithfullyMinister of Treasury Paulson
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems?Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.Also, my wife became mother -in-law of her father-in-law."Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother."This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!
The current banking situation explained in a nutshell.Pat and Mick live in adjacent villages in an unnamed country. Pat acquiresan old car and sells it to Mick for £ 50. The following week Mick sells itback to Pat for £ 100. The next week Pat returns the favour for £ 150 andtheir transactions keep going until Pat sells it to a stranger for £ 1,000. Mick's gets very upset and complains "Why did you do that? We were making a good living out of that car".
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that ;and think I've been in a whorehouse,'The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'