Wednesday, 3 December 2008

He finally did it......



Recommendations: 27 Gordon Brown will today gamble on you buying things you don't need because they are slightly cheaper, and then believing that rich people are going to pay for it all.

The government is expected to cut the price of novelty smoothie makers from £24.99 to £24.36 while at the same time increasing income tax for the hoity-toity chairman of the company that produces novelty smoothie makers.





MFI are having a closing down sale this weekend.


Have they never heard of the boy who cried wolf.



I was in a restraunt last night and got into a fight with one of the waiters


He threw a prawn cocktail at me


And that was only for starters





When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.


She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers.


Job done!




On my divorce we split the house,


I got the outside.




Two men at a party and one says to the other "So what do you do for a living?" 


"I'm a plastic surgeon," says the other. "I tuck up features!" 


"Thats a coincidence!" says the first man, "because I'm an OFSTED inspector."






I went to a German Restaurant the other day. Not a pleasant experience.


The starter was saurkraut, and it was bloody awful.


But the wurst was yet to come.






  As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
  we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
  Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
  thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
  Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
  fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
  This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged 
  Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
  outside the company.
  SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
  actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
  called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
  All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
  upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher
  Authority Following Termination).
  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
  SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
  If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
  H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
  CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
  As H.E.RP.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee 
  has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or 
  by the company.
  Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board 
  the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
  Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
  We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
  given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
  employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
  immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure 
  receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
  And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
  The Management








A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a stutter.


"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.


Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui.."


Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th................."


"Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.


"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman.


"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.


And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th..........."


"Look" says the beautiful landlady, "who loves a bet? If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"


Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman.


"Where do you live then boyo?"


"C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ."


"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,


"Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.


"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."


"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.


"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.


"London" blurts out the Irishman.


"Oh no!" says the landlady.


A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.


Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out..


".......D D D Derry!!"




Dear Friend  
  As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails  
you have forwarded to me over the past year.  
  I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on  
envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.  
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in  
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000  
that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email  
programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million  
dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died  
And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for  
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and  
make a wish within five minutes.  
I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial  
killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.  
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll  
get a  
phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .  
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under  
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.  
I can't even pick up the five bucks I found dropped in the car park because it was  
probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.  
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large  
pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels  
will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.  
I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's  
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning  
By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a lengthy study,  
discovered that people with low IQs who don't have enough s*x, always read their emails  
while holding the mouse.  
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.  
  Your friend