Ladies! Advice for you...
How you know... ...your dog needs "sensitivity training"
Some guys are baffled over how to do an oil change on their car. This video should help...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
I'm not getting 'er indoors anything this year. I got her one of those vacuum cleaners last year and all its done is gather dust.
When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.
She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers.
Swapped my wife’s chapstick for a pritt stick last Friday and had a very peaceful weekend.
Did you hear the price of lamb in wales has just gone up?
It's now £4.95 per hour.
My acting career started and ended at school when I misunderstood the cue for "Enter Lady MacBeth from the rear".
I got such a shock but not as big one as the lad who was playing her.
I knew a man who was into bestiality, necrophilia and flagellation.
I told him, “Your flogging a dead horse”
I knew an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.
He used to lie in bed all night wondering if there was a Dog
A few weeks ago it was "Sack everyone at the BBC" because of Sachs-gate. Then it was "Sack everyone in Haringsey because of Baby P. Now it's "Sack the Strictly Come Dancing Judges" because of John Sergeant.
And then people wonder why unemployment figures are rising again!
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."
"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."
"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
Somali Pirates are in Discussions to Acquire RBS. November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of RBS. The pirates would buy RBS with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to £0.10 per share for the bank, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today.
The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said. ``You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything," said Ali. The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.
Man goes to the doctors with a hearing problem, doctor says, can you describe the symptoms?
Man says, Homer's a fat keyunt and Marge has blue hair...........
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
Artistic: Gay, with painting by numbers hanging above the fireplace.
Average: 5ft 1in weakling with cheap suit and novelty tie.
Computer Literate: Into internet porn.
Creative: Gay, but keen to experiment.
Cuddly: 19 stones of spot-covered blubber.
Demanding: Spoilt brat.
Experienced: “Merchant Banker”
For friendship: Axe murderer.
For Occasional Meetings: Married.
Intellectual: Once had a reader’s letter published in Penthouse.
Into photography: Pervert, pure & simple.
Masculine: Covered in thick black hair from head to toe as a result of hormone treatment in his teens when his testicles failed to drop.
No ties: Vagrant.
Rugged: As in “masculine” but with a few teeth missing.
Shy: 2 inch willy.
Sporty: Spends Saturday’s on the terracing at a football match, drinking Special Brew from a can while someone urinates down the back of his trousers.
“To meet on my return from abroad.”: In jail
Wealthy: Wants kinky sex but willing to pay for it.