“A dog is for life, not just for Christmas……… So be careful at the Christmas party.”
“Our chip shop has gone green, they no longer sell cod but the alternatives are substandard. I went there last night and it was tough, a choice between a Rock and hard Plaice”.
Helpful Wedding Magazine
“David Abrahams - understandable behavior ? You can see why a millionaire donor wouldn't want to give his real details to the Labour Party.They'd only go and lose them ...”
During one of her classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, askedher class the following question: "Michael, if you were on a datehaving dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that youneed to go to the toilet?"Michael said, "Just a minute 'luv I have to go for a pee."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."What about you Andrew, how would you say it?"Andrew said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the loo, I'll beback in a tic.""That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word loo.""And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show usyour good manners?""I would say: darlin, may I please be excused for a moment, I have toshake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduceyou to after dinner."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the sales assistant, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''About 32,' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'Now she's feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feelaround very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''I promise I won't' she says.'I was behind you at McDonalds.'