Thursday, 29 November 2007

Some more Jokes...

Oxo have brought out a red and white cube to celebrate England's Euro 2008 campaign.It's called the Laughing Stock

“The Three Lions on the England Team Shirts are to be replaced with three tampons. This is to reflect the worst period in their history.”

Crinmble No 1
And here's the album cover:

Everybody's Pin Number - Revealed!
More lost data - they just can't help themselves! intended for criminal use)

The professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple:Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary.First paragraph by Rebecca:At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.Second paragraph by Gary:Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluishparticle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.Rebecca:He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War andSpace Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...Gary:Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered theatmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"Rebecca:This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinisticsemi-literate adolescent.Gary:Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."Rebecca:Asshole.Gary:Bitch.Rebecca:DICK!Gary:Slut.Rebecca:Get F%$%#$d.Gary:You wish; eat shit.Rebecca:F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!Gary:Go drink some tea - whore.TEACHER:A+ - I really liked this one.

Bloke sitting in train, in otherwise empty carriage, sees two blokes in opposite pair of seats to him, they look like Hitler and Goebbels only more ancient. He can't believe it, thinks they must be a stage act or something, but they're chatting away in German, he finally leans over;Excuse me, you look like Adolf Hitler and Dr. Goebbels?That's right, we are, says HitlerBut I thought you guys were dead?No, that was just disinformation, Goebbels says, as you see we're alive and well, we're getting on a bit but, um Gotteswillen, here we are.But if anyone sees you they'll call the cops or MI5 or something!No, no, British have short memories, all that ancient stuff is over and gone now, Hitler says, it's global warming now, isn't it?Well, okay, the bloke says after a bit, but what on earth are you doing in England?Well, we've come to kill another two million Jews and a postman, says Hitler.A postman? Why a postman? What postman, for God's sake?You see, Goebbels says to Hitler, I told you, nobody gives a damn about the Jews.

...A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Britain. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. British man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Polish.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!' The person says, 'I not British, I am from Croatia.' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Iran, I am not British!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an British?' She says, 'No, I am from Latvia!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?' The Latvian lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'