Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Wife Will Never Touch a Gun Again!



The Blindingly Obvious Research Award
http://content.karger.com/ProdukteDB/produkte.asp?doi=10.1159/000107716..and in other news: Pope found to be Catholic in shock religious confession. Bear reveals "I have no toilet facilities except for that group of trees over there". One-legged duck seen to be swimming in bizarre non-linear, rotational direction.

I just ended a long-term relationship today.I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Amy Winehouse had a violent reaction to medication last night.She said, "f off! I ain't taking anything legal!"

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.It's called Not Poodle.

------------------------------------------------------------------ A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard!' ------------------------------------------------------------------- why are women like clouds? eventually they disappear and its a really nice day ------------------------------------------------------------------ Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's hilarious.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...' ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; 'no way, you won't bring it back.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

The new Barbie doll comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make up, no car, no food, no house and no farm it’s called Zimbarbie

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Moral: Old men can still think fast

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'**************************In a Podiatrist's office:'Time wounds all heels.'**************************On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels**************************At a Proctologist's door:'To expedite your visit please back in.'**************************On a Plumber's truck:'We repair what your husband fixed.'**************************On another Plumber's truck:'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'**************************On a Church's Billboard:'7 days without God makes one weak.'**************************At a Towing company:'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'**************************On an Electrician's truck:'Let us remove your shorts.'**************************In a Nonsmoking Area:'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'**************************On a Maternity Room door:'Push. Push. Push.'**************************At an Optometrist's Office:'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'*************************On a Taxidermist's window:'We really know our stuff.'**************************On a Fence:'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'**************************At a Car Dealership:'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'**************************Outside a Muffler Shop:'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'**************************In a Veterinarian's waiting room:'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'**************************At the Electric Company'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be.'**************************In a Restaurant window:'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'**************************In the front yard of a Funeral Home:'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'**************************At a Propane Filling Station:'Thank heaven for little grills.'**************************And don't forget the sign at aChicago Radiator Shop:'Best place in town to take a leak

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to thegovernment, complaining about the treatment of a captiveinsurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan NationalCorrectional System facilities. She received back thefollowing reply:National Defence HeadquartersMGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT101 Colonel By DriveOttawa , ON K1A 0K2 CanadaDear Concerned Citizen,Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profoundconcern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terroristscaptured by Canadian Forces who were subsequentlytransferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currentlybeing held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan NationalCorrectional System facilities.Our administration takes these matters seriously and youropinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . Youwill be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns ofcitizens like yourself; we are creating a new departmenthere at the Department of National Defense, to be called'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'program, or L.A.R.K. for short.In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, wehave decided to divert one terrorist and place him in yourpersonal care. Your personal detainee has been selected andis scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard toyour residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmedbin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared forpursuant to the standards you personally demanded in yourletter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you tohire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weeklyinspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmedare commensurate with those you so strongly recommend inyour letter.Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, wehope that your sensitivity to what you described as his'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome thesecharacter flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describingthese problems as mere cultural differences. We understandthat you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient inhand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with suchsimple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise thatyou do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your nextyoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety ofexplosive devices from common household products, so youmay wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in youropinion) this might offend him.Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman formof property. This is a particularly sensitive subject forhim and he has been known to show violent tendencies aroundwomen who fail to comply with the new dress code that hewill recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure youwill come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka overtime. Just remember that it is all part of 'respectinghis culture and religious beliefs' as described in yourletter.Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it whenfolks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do ourjob and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmedand remember, we'll be watching.Good luck and God blessyou.Cordially,Minister of National Defense

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist , and the fourth man was a Government Employee.To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cakes. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cakes. Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said," Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good too.Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said .... “CoffeeBreak .... do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet and.... ate the cakes .... drank the milk .... **** on the paper .... screwed the other three cats .... claimed he injured his back while doing so.... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.... put in for Workers Compensationand .... went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air. 'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!' 'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!' So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?' Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '....two million dollars...' 'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming! '