Oh well I'm still snowed in, but to some peoples credit they will try to get to the office in their iced up car, but often this can be very frustrating and a time consuming experience. (As this office worker found out to add to his woes).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVIabdmN4ns


Picture posed by model
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/01/06/warrant-issued-for-arrest-of-man-accused-of-having-sex-with-a-donkey-115875-21947163/
Just incase any reader thought the photo of the donkey was actually of the very same donkey in the article...




Anatidaephobia . Google it (work safe). And if you don't laugh - I give up!!

Then

It’s true, and also.. Great advert placement
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1249339/anatidaephobia_the_fear_that_you_are.html?cat=70
I hope none was fooled by the vowel change in the author's name. They're EVERYWHERE I tell you...

Ironic: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words
Then why has Lisp got an “S” in it?


Fathers Day at the Skywalker residence
http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs225.snc1/7222_156470442912_711292912_2720320_55218_n.jpg


Paignton Ice Skating for Cars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MPRmOUxRMY
Our car is sliding out of control on ice. I know, we'll bail out. D'oh!






I received a letter this morning giving me the results of my medical. It said "I regret to inform you that you have dyslexia and you're impotent".
Well, it's a shame about the dyslexia but I already knew I was impotent; I'm the CEO of a multinational company and an advisor to the government.




1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Airport Security!

The Rake
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf


Eckie-Gnumph
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/8439446.stm
And he looks soooo normal….


Avatar, have we not seen this before perchance?
http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/ava.jpg


The greatest thing about Celebrity Big Brother is when the celeb's first enter the house, walk down the stairs and they look at themselves in the mirror to their left and ask themselves, "What the hell happened to my career?"


I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.......... 1024×768


After being made redundant I retrained to become a Police Officer.
Well it beats walking the streets everyday!!




Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in
front of him; the other a Star of David. Many people pass by and look at both
beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is
the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of
spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the
beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing."



A girl texted me saying what does idk,ly &ttyl mean? So I said ' I don’t know, love you, talk to you later' And she said "Okay I'll ask someone else"




A guy goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars.

On the seat is the latest Hustler Magazine.

Finally, the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to

confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more

inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're in my side."

Roundup!!!

Police presence......

http://i.imgur.com/rKRYV.jpg

 

 

I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Liverpool yesterday, and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

I said "Look Mr.Gerrard, you chose to play for Liverpool."

 

 

 

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make... I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy."

Oh yes? Who was it?"

"Tiger Woods".

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's the bloody par for this hole!

 

 

 

 

 

From the Glasgow Herald Today: Pilot gets a rough ride

 

BAD weather meant a few bumpy landings at Heathrow this week, particularly one flight from JFK. A little Glasgow granny had to register her discontent to the rather sheepish pilot as he stood alongside the flight crew,.

“Did you land the plane, son,” she asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Thank God for that,” she said. “I thought we’d been shot down.’

 

I just totally wasted £25 !

I bought a book called "Tiger's Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out its about golf.

Gutted.

 

 

 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All

the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm

smart and will answer the question."

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

 

 

 

 

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through

the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"

 

 

 

A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

 

 

At Last a Magazine for Married Men

Circle of no life

Beware Facebook!!