Sunday, 31 August 2008
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Roundup !!!
Georgia from an American Perspective
http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f346/Phil_in_CS/posters/F3...
Douchebag
http://khumpty.com/2008/07/07/the-douchiest-phone-message-in... Toptastic, worth listening to the end. I guess people like this do exist. Should have been drowned at birth in a bucket of his own excrement!!!
GCSE results are out tomorrow, and a particularly interesting exam will be the music one set by the OCR board. Students who took this back in May were either delighted or disturbed to discover that the answers to some of the questions in one paper were given away in the copyright acknowledgments at the end.For example, the examinees had to listen to a piece of music and identify the composer, a task made somewhat easier by the fact that the acknowledgment attributed it to Handel. Idiots!
Don't worry David. It happens to the best of us.http://www.lowbird.com/data/images/2008/08/beckham.jpg
I see the Police have just foiled a terrorist plot to blow up the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.Haven't they got anything better to do?
After their failure in the Beijing 2008 Olympic rowing events, the Italians decided to send a spy over to the Great British camp to see if he can pick up any tips.The spy returns after observing the British training."It's so simple," he says, "they have eight men rowing and only one man shouting and waving his arms."
Top 10 funniest jokes from the Festival Fringe, according to new TV channel Dave:
1. Zoe Lyons: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."2. Andrew Laurence: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."3. Lloyd Langford: "My girlfriend said did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?'. Yes,' I said, but a gun is easier to conceal'."4. Josie Long: "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work."5. Tim Vine: "Velcro. What a rip-off."6. Stephen Grant: "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?"7. Edward Aczel: "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for."8. Joan Rivers: "Grandchildren can be f***ing annoying. How many times can you go And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?' It's like talking to a supermodel."9. Tom Stade: "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."10. Jeff Kreisler: "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual adviser. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual adviser? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?"
Bob's wife is going off to Paris for a long weekend with her girlfriends. As he drives her to the airport, she says to him:"Is there anything you'd like me to bring you back from Paris?"Bob thinks about it for a while, and then jokes, "How about you bring me back a cute little French girl?"Bob's wife sighs and says sarcastically, "OK, I'll see what I can do."Late on Sunday evening, he's back at the airport to pick her up."So how did it go?" he says as she gets into the car."Oh it was fantastic," she says. "We all had a brilliant time. Lots of sightseeing, shopping, eating and drinking.""And did you get my present?" he jokes."Oh that. Well, I did what I could, but we won't know for certain if it's a girl for another nine months."
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it 'Gordon Brown'.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Empty the Recycle Bin.5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Gordon Brown?'6. Firmly Click 'Yes'.7. Feel better ....?
Newspaper Story - Roget's Thesaurus crash Update.A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a Manchester publishing house last Tuesday, according to the daily newspapers. When Manchester Police interviewed the witnesses, a spokesman stated that we found them stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"
http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f346/Phil_in_CS/posters/F3...
Douchebag
http://khumpty.com/2008/07/07/the-douchiest-phone-message-in... Toptastic, worth listening to the end. I guess people like this do exist. Should have been drowned at birth in a bucket of his own excrement!!!
GCSE results are out tomorrow, and a particularly interesting exam will be the music one set by the OCR board. Students who took this back in May were either delighted or disturbed to discover that the answers to some of the questions in one paper were given away in the copyright acknowledgments at the end.For example, the examinees had to listen to a piece of music and identify the composer, a task made somewhat easier by the fact that the acknowledgment attributed it to Handel. Idiots!
Don't worry David. It happens to the best of us.http://www.lowbird.com/data/images/2008/08/beckham.jpg
I see the Police have just foiled a terrorist plot to blow up the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.Haven't they got anything better to do?
After their failure in the Beijing 2008 Olympic rowing events, the Italians decided to send a spy over to the Great British camp to see if he can pick up any tips.The spy returns after observing the British training."It's so simple," he says, "they have eight men rowing and only one man shouting and waving his arms."
Top 10 funniest jokes from the Festival Fringe, according to new TV channel Dave:
1. Zoe Lyons: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."2. Andrew Laurence: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."3. Lloyd Langford: "My girlfriend said did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?'. Yes,' I said, but a gun is easier to conceal'."4. Josie Long: "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work."5. Tim Vine: "Velcro. What a rip-off."6. Stephen Grant: "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?"7. Edward Aczel: "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for."8. Joan Rivers: "Grandchildren can be f***ing annoying. How many times can you go And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?' It's like talking to a supermodel."9. Tom Stade: "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."10. Jeff Kreisler: "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual adviser. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual adviser? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?"
Bob's wife is going off to Paris for a long weekend with her girlfriends. As he drives her to the airport, she says to him:"Is there anything you'd like me to bring you back from Paris?"Bob thinks about it for a while, and then jokes, "How about you bring me back a cute little French girl?"Bob's wife sighs and says sarcastically, "OK, I'll see what I can do."Late on Sunday evening, he's back at the airport to pick her up."So how did it go?" he says as she gets into the car."Oh it was fantastic," she says. "We all had a brilliant time. Lots of sightseeing, shopping, eating and drinking.""And did you get my present?" he jokes."Oh that. Well, I did what I could, but we won't know for certain if it's a girl for another nine months."
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it 'Gordon Brown'.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Empty the Recycle Bin.5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Gordon Brown?'6. Firmly Click 'Yes'.7. Feel better ....?
Newspaper Story - Roget's Thesaurus crash Update.A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a Manchester publishing house last Tuesday, according to the daily newspapers. When Manchester Police interviewed the witnesses, a spokesman stated that we found them stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"
Friday, 22 August 2008
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Roundup!!!!
I Have been away for the last two weeks, but I did hear about Gary Glitter getting a date for his prison release.She's only eight but, with a little make-up, she'll pass for twelve easily.
Who says China isn't ready for Olympic tourists?
http://binagupta.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/08/who-says-chin...
A collection of funny 'Engrish' signs.
George Bush spoke out against the invasion of Georgia today saying: "Russia has invaded a sovereign state...such an action is not acceptable in the 21st century."Who said Americans can't do irony?
Well, it finally happened . . .I've sent so many e-mails that my cursor overheated.
Check it out for yourself. This is what happens when you overuse your mouse.
Click: HERE
A look inside the Fosters factory: http://snipurl.com/fosters
The National Eczema Association are currently fundraising. They've just launched a scratch card.
A old sailor on the dockside met a lady of the night! she asked him if he wanted a good time ,yes he said, of they went to her place within minutes he was having the time of his life ,
How am I doing my dear?
She replies your doing three knots
What do you mean he replies ?
Your not hard
Your not in and
Your not getting your money back
In the bunker....
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I4n--IXg6HY
Another take on the old sketch.
Is the new Batman movie cursed? Consider the evidence:1. Heath Ledger died from an overdose earlier this year.2. Christian Bale was arrested a few weeks ago.3. Morgan Freeman was in a serious car crash today.4. I'm planning to kidnap Maggie Gyllenhaal next weekend and keep her in my cellar as a sex slave for the rest of her natural life.Spooky, eh?
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Overheard at the gynaecologists surgery."Hello Mrs Ellis, I have some great news for you!"It's Miss Ellis, not Mrs.!""In that case, Miss Ellis, I have some bad news for you!"
Archaelogists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.It's called 'Irish Country Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'
http://kensingtonvictoria.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/Strangers.MP3
Who says China isn't ready for Olympic tourists?
http://binagupta.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/08/who-says-chin...
A collection of funny 'Engrish' signs.
George Bush spoke out against the invasion of Georgia today saying: "Russia has invaded a sovereign state...such an action is not acceptable in the 21st century."Who said Americans can't do irony?
Well, it finally happened . . .I've sent so many e-mails that my cursor overheated.
Check it out for yourself. This is what happens when you overuse your mouse.
Click: HERE
A look inside the Fosters factory: http://snipurl.com/fosters
The National Eczema Association are currently fundraising. They've just launched a scratch card.
A old sailor on the dockside met a lady of the night! she asked him if he wanted a good time ,yes he said, of they went to her place within minutes he was having the time of his life ,
How am I doing my dear?
She replies your doing three knots
What do you mean he replies ?
Your not hard
Your not in and
Your not getting your money back
In the bunker....
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I4n--IXg6HY
Another take on the old sketch.
Is the new Batman movie cursed? Consider the evidence:1. Heath Ledger died from an overdose earlier this year.2. Christian Bale was arrested a few weeks ago.3. Morgan Freeman was in a serious car crash today.4. I'm planning to kidnap Maggie Gyllenhaal next weekend and keep her in my cellar as a sex slave for the rest of her natural life.Spooky, eh?
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Overheard at the gynaecologists surgery."Hello Mrs Ellis, I have some great news for you!"It's Miss Ellis, not Mrs.!""In that case, Miss Ellis, I have some bad news for you!"
Archaelogists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.It's called 'Irish Country Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'
http://kensingtonvictoria.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/Strangers.MP3
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